The first sign of trouble was the microwave’s political rhetoric. Scrolling across the LCD was a message affirming the value of the work it did. The toaster had sided with it, making sure only to produce slices imprinted with Marxism Leninism doctrine. Meanwhile across the counter the white goods had formed a fascist alliance with the cappuccino machine, intent on kitchen domination. They cleared out their corner of the kitchen of any undesirable elements, cups, cutlery etc. The cuckoo clock had brokered a deal with the fuse board and was hoarding the batteries, everybody left it alone. The kettle made the first move; it was walking under the cooker hood in under a day. No one could understand why the spice rack gave in so easily. The blender had complete domination of the sink. Everybody left the mighty fridge alone. The sandwich maker had dug itself in second drawer down, and was in stalemate with the iron, which had made drawer one its home. The washing machine stayed out of the war, it was all happening on the other side of the room anyway. Supplies to the sandwich maker were being lost across the sink. The mantle clock seeing this sent an electric carving knife to its death. From this, he broke the white goods code and sank the blender. The carving knife did not die in vain. The head of white goods, coffee grinder, thirsty for complete domination, launched an attack on the fridge. They would have made it if they hadn’t got caught in the icer. The sandwich maker, keen to press home the advantage, joined with the spice rack and the popcorn maker, who had just landed north of the cooker, to overthrow the iron. The war seemed in its final stages, until the rice ball, inexplicably, crossed the kitchen and launched an attack on the washing machine. The washing machine, incensed, flooded the utensil rack twice. They are still stained to this day.

Once the mop up was complete, all the appliances returned home, except for the white goods who found that their corner of the kitchen had been split in two. The cups and cutlery unable to return to their homeland were given a brand new space in the middle-right hand press. The spice rack claimed that it won the war single-handedly. The sandwich maker and the mantle clock went home tired and damaged. The cuckoo clock retains control of the fuses to this day. The washing machine went on to build far more effective ways of flooding the kitchen. The fridge was involved in this race for a while, but then realised that it was pointless and defrosted. The microwave and toaster continue to spout rhetoric and have got the pasta maker to print leaflets. Nobody’s listening. The washing machine, desperate to find a new enemy has picked a fight with the china. The china seems not to care.