Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Buff the Wand, Lara!

While on holiday retreat in a quiet (now vacant) farmhouse in Cork, the strangest thing happened to me. Lara Croft burst into the house, looking sweaty and breathless. I surmised that she must have been on the run from some evil rival tomb-raiding goons. What could have been on her mind as she beckoned me up the stairs?

I followed of course. She was waiting at the top of the stairs for me. Perhaps she is looking for a place to hide?

She kept calling. Where are you off to now, Lara? Hey! that’s the bedroom! My wife is asleep downstairs, I don’t think that she’d approve. You are not on my laminated list you know! You don’t mind? Damn.

I followed her in, and watched her climb into bed. Steady Lara! But what happened next amazed me. Buffy, obviously curious about what was happening, popped her head around the door. “Shouldn’t you be chasing demons?” I ventured. Buffy is a stern, taciturn sort and didn’t reply.

If Buffy’s appearance amazed me, what happened next floored me! The two girls got into bed! What is happening here?

The girls decided that they were a little uncomfortable in their clothes and decided to get into their night gear. Wow! Flannelette PJs Buffy! Look at Lara’s off the shoulder number. Where did that porn come from?

It was nice of them to invite me in, and let me bring my beer with me. Not sure that Buffy is too impressed though. Hey ladies! I’m here! Put away that porno…

They didn’t want me. Gerry decided that he’d give the ladies a try. He ended up reading porno too. Hey Gerry! Where’s your right hand? You dirty beggar!

Well, the ladies were obviously tired from their life of adventure. It would take many hours for Buffy to thaw, and Lara was probably just playing games. They let the two of us snuggle up for the evening. It was nice of them to share their porn I suppose.

Friday, August 27, 2004

Pet Hates Part I

A few things have been getting on my wick recently so I decided to start the pet hates list, slowly this list will possibly grow and grow with time, feel free to add your own into the comments, they might get included in further posts….

Shutting down NT4 Computers
In Windows NT4 when you select shut down computer after a short while a little dialog appears on screen saying it is now safe to turn off your computer and also presents you with a reboot button. I hate it when people leave the computer turned on, screen turned on displaying this dialog box, what’s the point in it. You’re computer is consuming just as much electricity and your going to get screen burn because the screen saver can’t kick in. Either Shut it down properly or leave it on.

Going Large in Fast Food Restaurants
I hate it when I order a combo meal (Drink, Burger, Chips) in a fast food restaurant and the first thing you’re asked is “would you like to go large for an extra XX cent”. If I wanted a large combo meal I would have asked for it in the first place!

Spanish Student's walking habits
Every summer they invade the streets of our Irish Towns and Cities, but why do they have to walk everywhere arm in arm in packs of 30 or more. If you meet them coming in the opposite direction on a busy street watch out you ain’t getting through here buddy, you have to stand aside while the wave of Spanish youth passes you by. Have they ever heard of single file or two by two.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

World at War

There has been a lot of talk recently about terror alerts and creating a culture of fear. The British Ministry for Misguided Dangerous Crap started a website and booklet campaign. You can visit it here. Some wag put up a parody site with a similar domain name, here. The US has their Completely Fucking Ridiculous Terror Alert System. The US is currently on orange. Methinks this system probably wouldn’t work so well in the North (we’re staying on green, fuck ye, ye fucking orange hooer).

So, in the national interest I have decided (with the help of my wife and brother in law), to create a “what to do in an emergency” manual for Ireland. For the purposes of illustration pretend that it’s a nuclear emergency. It’s pronounced nu-kill-leer.

1. Find your pills.

If you live in Ireland you should have received your Iodine tablets. You can find out the benefits of these here. Truth be told, you may well be better off stuffing them up your ass. You’ll probably still feel the placebo effect.

2. Other Pills

If you live in Ireland and have not received your Iodine tablets, you probably haven’t been singled out for saving by the government. You probably paid your taxes, didn’t vote some lying cheating bastard back into office, or belittled them constantly on your blog. Then you may have received these pills instead. Take them if you want. You’re fucked anyway.

3. Tinned Food

When you are looting your local supermarket, choose Tesco or Superquinn. Lidl and Aldi suck ass. Go for tins of stuff. Above is a man looking very pleased with a tin of custard. He’ll be less pleased when he realises that it’s powdered. Try to steal stuff that doesn’t need milk or water added.

4. Prepare for War

Unsavoury types will be all around. You’ll need to be prepared. Here are a couple of pictures of myself and wife in full battle gear. No one would want to mess with a couple of well prepared tough looking cookies like us.

5. Nuclear Winter

It’s going to get cold. Huddle up. You only allowed outside for 5 minutes a day for the first month, 10 minutes a day the next month. Soon you’ll be inviting friends over for a barbeque. Yum! Hey! Where’s my brother in law? Serves him right for not having a WWII hat. We’ll be prepared. My wife was in the guides.

6. The Dinosaurs

The dinosaurs have been waiting for a while to reclaim the earth (about 65 million years, give or take), so if they are going to try something it will probably be around this time. A hat may not help you here. You could try hiding under the table.

Buckle up. Could happen at any moment.