World at War

There has been a lot of talk recently about terror alerts and creating a culture of fear. The British Ministry for Misguided Dangerous Crap started a website and booklet campaign. You can visit it here. Some wag put up a parody site with a similar domain name, here. The US has their Completely Fucking Ridiculous Terror Alert System. The US is currently on orange. Methinks this system probably wouldn’t work so well in the North (we’re staying on green, fuck ye, ye fucking orange hooer).

So, in the national interest I have decided (with the help of my wife and brother in law), to create a “what to do in an emergency” manual for Ireland. For the purposes of illustration pretend that it’s a nuclear emergency. It’s pronounced nu-kill-leer.

1. Find your pills.

If you live in Ireland you should have received your Iodine tablets. You can find out the benefits of these here. Truth be told, you may well be better off stuffing them up your ass. You’ll probably still feel the placebo effect.

2. Other Pills

If you live in Ireland and have not received your Iodine tablets, you probably haven’t been singled out for saving by the government. You probably paid your taxes, didn’t vote some lying cheating bastard back into office, or belittled them constantly on your blog. Then you may have received these pills instead. Take them if you want. You’re fucked anyway.

3. Tinned Food

When you are looting your local supermarket, choose Tesco or Superquinn. Lidl and Aldi suck ass. Go for tins of stuff. Above is a man looking very pleased with a tin of custard. He’ll be less pleased when he realises that it’s powdered. Try to steal stuff that doesn’t need milk or water added.

4. Prepare for War

Unsavoury types will be all around. You’ll need to be prepared. Here are a couple of pictures of myself and wife in full battle gear. No one would want to mess with a couple of well prepared tough looking cookies like us.

5. Nuclear Winter

It’s going to get cold. Huddle up. You only allowed outside for 5 minutes a day for the first month, 10 minutes a day the next month. Soon you’ll be inviting friends over for a barbeque. Yum! Hey! Where’s my brother in law? Serves him right for not having a WWII hat. We’ll be prepared. My wife was in the guides.

6. The Dinosaurs

The dinosaurs have been waiting for a while to reclaim the earth (about 65 million years, give or take), so if they are going to try something it will probably be around this time. A hat may not help you here. You could try hiding under the table.

Buckle up. Could happen at any moment.