So you’ve stolen too much cash? 10 ways to dispose of it.

1. Burn it in your back garden
2. Fill a duffle bag and give to a friend to hold for a while. Tell him not to peek inside.
3. Bring it to a (retired) RUC sports and social club and stick it in a locker. Tip off the PSNI.
4. Buy a holiday home in Roosky, Co.Roscommon. Only one window to replace. Going cheap.
5. Bring it to Cheltenham. Hope the bookies will take large bets.
6. Hire the worlds best spin doctor in the world to try and provide credibility to your outrageous lies.
7. Buy a rifle to go with all those bullets you have lying about.
8. Stuff it in soap boxes and take it for a drive.
9. Finance a stock brokering operation in Cork.
10. Give it back with a note saying “A Chara. Sorry, we didn’t expect to steal so much. Our bad. Is mise le meas”

10 things you should know about buying a house

1.Everything you’ve heard it true. Buying a house is a painful, hateful process. Hate the process, not yourself, it is largely out of your control anyway
2.Get a broker, even a weird anti-social slightly psychotic one. They’ll talk to the banks so you don’t have to
3.Ignore everyone. If your paperwork is in order, tell everybody else that everybody else is holding things up
4.Praise the Lord that guns are illegal in this country. It must save a lot of peoples skins
5.Amnesiac monkey estate agents are the bane of your life. Prepare to have the same conversation 47,892 times
6.You are buying a house, it will become a home later. Repeat this like a mantra
7.Bitch a lot to other people that have not bought a house yet, it’ll terrify them and be cathartic for you
8.Relax; if it falls through it’s probably not your fault and fuck ‘em anyway
9.Trying to move out of one house; into another; have a baby; rent the existing place; re-mortgage; buy furniture; pack; paint; clean and remain cheerful is a challenge, but not impossible
10.Be cool, you’ll look back and realise that you hated every moment of it, but it was worth it.

House of pain

I decided to make a picture of how I feel about the house buying process. I came up with the picture below, which I call "Hope". Hope encompasses all the feelings I have towards amnesiac monkey estate agents, weird aggressive brokers and pushy sellers. I think it is probably the most complex thing I have ever drawn.



Hmm. Could be darker. Turn off your monitor, turn off the lights and close your eyes for full effect. If you would like sound, try emitting a low pained moaning while dragging your fingernails down a blackboard.

Haiku? Passé. Tanka? In.

Living with my folks
and also with Sinéad's Dad
Moving is painful
a baby soon to be born
a new house a new baby.