10 things you should know about buying a house

1.Everything you’ve heard it true. Buying a house is a painful, hateful process. Hate the process, not yourself, it is largely out of your control anyway
2.Get a broker, even a weird anti-social slightly psychotic one. They’ll talk to the banks so you don’t have to
3.Ignore everyone. If your paperwork is in order, tell everybody else that everybody else is holding things up
4.Praise the Lord that guns are illegal in this country. It must save a lot of peoples skins
5.Amnesiac monkey estate agents are the bane of your life. Prepare to have the same conversation 47,892 times
6.You are buying a house, it will become a home later. Repeat this like a mantra
7.Bitch a lot to other people that have not bought a house yet, it’ll terrify them and be cathartic for you
8.Relax; if it falls through it’s probably not your fault and fuck ‘em anyway
9.Trying to move out of one house; into another; have a baby; rent the existing place; re-mortgage; buy furniture; pack; paint; clean and remain cheerful is a challenge, but not impossible
10.Be cool, you’ll look back and realise that you hated every moment of it, but it was worth it.