Living with Mariah Carey’s shoes

Dear Mariah,

I have not had more then four channels on my TV, until recently when I had a baby and decided to get cable. I now have fifteen channels one of which is MTV. MTV used to show music at one point, but now seems to be a mixture of Home and Leisure and Men and Motors, but you know this because you let them into your crib.

Do you realise that the shoe closet in your apartment is bigger then my house? To be honest, it looks like it is better appointed too. It was a very depressing moment when I realised that you keep your shoes in a space that I could comfortably live in with two other people. Though I do not, to be fair, own as many pairs of shoes as you do, if I did I suppose I would have to consider evicting my wife and baby and converting my house into some sort of living museum for foot coverings. However, my wife and baby may have something to say about that and there are two of them and only one of me. In truth, I do not seem to have the capacity to emote to inanimate objects in the same way that you do. I presume that this is a failing in me.

I notice that you would not let MTV into your bedroom for personal reasons. My friend says that’s because that’s where the guy you pay to blow cocaine up your ass lives. Mostly I tell my friend not to be so stupid, you’d never have to pay someone to blow cocaine up your ass.

Anyway, perhaps if you read this you can put in a couch and a bed into your foot locker and invite me and my family to stay. I won’t bring a straw, because I don’t believe the rumours are true and the coked-up gimp who has the job would probably kick my ass.

I am not a crank,
Yours truly,

C.