Job Search

Dear Minister Martin,

I am writing to you looking for employment.

I am a thirty year old male, six foot tall and healthy. My history is as follows:

I was a child prodigy at three years of age and effortlessly reproduced and improved on the entire works of Beethoven by the age of five. By six, I had my primary degree in Theoretical Physics and German, and was writing a revolutionary thesis on the Big Bang theory. By the age of eight, I had opened a successful chain of restaurants in London and Paris. At ten, bored with what life had to offer, I entered a Buddhist monastery. I left after achieving Nirvana, whereupon I moved to South Africa to advise the government on post-apartheid policy. The fact that they did not implement my recommendations is a source of constant sorrow. Aged twelve, I invented the Internet.

Entering my teenage years I correctly predicted the impending Yugoslav wars and fruitlessly lobbied the UN and NATO extensively for pre-emptive action. By fifteen I had engineered a fully working Hydrogen Car, while simultaneously working out a non-pollutive method of hydrogen production. This led on to my pioneering work in zero point energy, and a number of highly classified projects for the US government. To complete this project I formulated a proof of the quantum uncertainty principle; now named the quantum certainty principle. At nineteen, the last year of my teens, I was nominated for the Nobel prizes in Physics, Chemistry and Peace, winning them all.

At twenty I was commissioned by the Swedish Government for a public sculpture in Sergels Torg square in Stockholm. My final piece "The assassination of Olof Palme" is openly regarded as a masterpiece. By twenty-three I had actively contributed to the fall of three African dictators. At twenty-five I proved that Shakespeare wrote all his own plays and poetry, except for sonnet 130 which was written by Kit Marlowe. During my twenty-seventh year I adapted my autobiography for the big screen. At twenty-eight I delivered my report to the French and English government about who really killed Princess Diana.

From this time to date, I have being working for the Dubai government advising on their tourism policy.

I hear that the post of Chief Science Advisor has recently opened up, and as you can see I am more than qualified. Unfortunately it appears the job which I really wanted in the Department of Communications, Marine and Natural Resources has already been filled.

I am not a crank,

Yours truly,

Dr.Conor Murnane