Solving the cocaine problem.

I read an article on the internet today about vaccines being developed for nicotine and cocaine addition. It’s just the sort of fucking about the human body I find simultaneously interesting and really, really scary. Apparently human trials are underway (Hey! It worked on the Monkeys! The Capuchins aren’t wearing sunglasses any more! They seem to pretty angry and depressed too…), so maybe we will see this magic bullet sometime by 2020.

Now, while the scientists think they may be benefiting society with their invention (a stretch, I admit: google exhibit A: Fluorescent Cats), it is easy to predict function creep. Now I can take drugs when I am bored, or when I am not bored, or indeed anytime at all and then take a vaccine to remove all future effects. I’ll still need to overcome the addiction, which is, I suppose, a drawback. However in clinical trials overcoming addiction is apparently going well, with users not switching to other drugs.

The next step is to make cocaine free. I was going to say “widely available” but this is 2007, everyman and his dog can get cocaine if they so desire. Needless to say, the Colombian drug lords won’t be to cooperative about giving their marching powder away free gratis, so it stands to reason that we will need an army of robots to grow it on the moon.

While my Lunar-Automatons are at it, they can start cultivating opium and heroin. The Thai warlords in the Golden Triangle mightn’t like this, but my plot involves making them think the Taliban are to blame. Hopefully this will lead to mutually-assured-destruction. I’ll explain my plan to the Americans and they’ll fund it all. They have a good track record in this area, and will get to bomb Afghanistan again, lucky boys. We’ll set the winners up against the Colombians.

Once my drugs hit the streets, people with weak hearts or other complaints may continue to die due to overdoses, but I’ll have to chalk this up to Darwin at work. If you are not aware of the dangers of cocaine or heroin abuse you are either living in a cave, are irretrievably stupid, or just don’t care. My Mooncoke® will be pure (no cement, petrol, laxative, talcum powder, chalk etc.), so will minimise the risk as much as possible.

Parents may choose to inoculate their children against the effects of drugs. This is a mistake, and will be made illegal. The children need to become addicted, so by overcoming addiction they are made stronger. While society may first baulk at feeding children LunarHorse® for breakfast, hopefully the benefits will soon become clear. By overcoming addiction in the formative years, children will less likely to succumb to addiction as adults. Those children whose addictions cannot be broken, will be boiled down for glue.

Synthetic drugs of any sort will all be banned. My robots will flood the market with lethal-variants, making sure that any dabbling in the area will have an odds-on chance of death. You would do well do remember that I am looking out for your best interests, and yes, I do know best.

Now the governments of the world mightn’t like this, most likely because free things don’t have any tax revenue. Some angry parents may not like swapping their offspring for a tin of evostick. They may try and tax the vaccine, but then they’ll be causing a drug epidemic. It’s a real Smack-22. Perhaps they’ll come after me.

Not a wise move, don’t they know I have an army of robots?