The ultimate gift for your GAA mad partner

For the Dublin Fan


For the Waterford Fan


And finally for those prawn sandwich supporters amoungst us!

Gained in translation

Using Altavista or a thesaurus to advertise your business? I’ll hire you funny girl.

Park Job

Conor: Ah excuse me there officer, y'see my car there, space 7A?
Wiggum: Ah yeah what about it?
Conor: I was just thinking what a good parking job I did with it.
Wiggum: Yeah hey that is nice. Hey Lou, Lou check out that park job in 7A
Lou: Wohoohoo....thats sweet

Naming 2003 UB 313

While nerds whip themselves with damp towels over what the exact definition of a planet is, 2003 UB 313 orbits the sun unnamed.

Some AstroNerds are claiming that this is the 10th planet, others say not only is it not a planet but neither is Pluto. Pluto, is a mere Kuiper Belt object. The Kuiper Belt was discovered after Pluto and is full of really big things that look like planets and orbit the sun, but aren’t actually called planets because astrologers refuse to agree on what a definition of a planet is, most probably because they are disgruntled that they didn’t discover one of the really, really, really huge immense gigantic objects (n.b not a planet) in space first.

Either way 2003 UB 313 appears to have something the other rocks didn’t: size & momentum. Also it’s bigger then Pluto which human consciousness has accepted as a planet even if a bunch of weirdo nerds have not.

And is time for it to get a name. New Scientist has run a poll to get some opinions:


Persephone
Peace
Galileo
Xena
Rupert
Bob
Titan
Nibiru
Cerberus
Loki

I have a few ideas of my own. But there are official guidelines for this kind of thing. They are:

Names should be pronounceable, non-offensive, 16 characters or less in length and preferably one word

Names should not be too similar to an existing name of a minor planet or natural planetary satellite

Names for persons or events known primarily for their military or political activities are acceptable only after 100 years elapsed since the person died or the event occurred

Names of a purely or principally commercial nature are not allowed

Names of pet animals are discouraged

This rules out a few of the lunchtime table suggestions(Planet Nike, Planet Reebok - Chaa-Chingg!)

Here are my ideas:

Dirk – After the famous marine explorer

Con – After me

Big – Self explanatory

Party – Man! It’s the party planet. I am so there
when the sun heats up in 2 billion years. Da-da-da-da-dum

Karoake – The empty orchestra of the solar system

Mine – It’s all mine I tell you

PhilDick – How much irony in the universe would there have to be to be invaded by PhilDickians? A lot, that’s how much.

EscapeRouteA – Hee Hee

KeepOffTheGrass – What grass?

Dunroamin – Nasa could nail a sign to it.

Cloudbusting

Armed with instructions of the internet, Michael and I started to build our cloudbuster.

Here is how we did it.

A lovely day, we set out together (with my baby) to buy the materials needed. These were:

1 x Bucket
1 x Glue
2 x Packets of carpet tacks
6 x Quartz Crystals
1 x Industrial strength glue
6 x 6' Long 1" copper piping
1 x 3'x2'’ sheet MDF
1 x Drill bit

1st Stop Leixlip DIY

Armed with our print out and baby we strode into Leixlip DIY and asked for six six foot long one inch wide copper pipes. The guy in the forecourt obviously knew more about copper piping then we did.

"It comes in 20 or 40 foot,"” he opined.
The Reply? "“That won'’t fit in the car."

He took down the pipe and measured it. 18 foot! A sign! All that needed to happen was for the pipe to be cut into three.

"Could the pipe be cut into three?" Michael asked.
"“There'’s a hacksaw there,"” said our observant helper monkey.

There then followed an uncomfortable silence as the forecourt attendant realised that he was going to have to cut the pipe in three to get rid of us. Which he did, with surprisingly good grace. We bought a bucket and left.

The list now looked like this:

1 x Bucket
1 x Glue
2 x Packets of carpet tacks
6 x Quartz Crystals
1 x Industrial strength glue
6 x 6' Long 1"” copper piping
1 x 3'’x2'’ sheet MDF
1 x Drill bit

Off into Dublin to buy some Quartz Crystals.

I parked in Temple bar car park, and we walked down to Parliament Street to the astrology shop. On the way we popped into a jewellery place in Crown Alley, to see if they could help us. The woman there admired our baby and our seemingly progressive relationship and told us to go to Parliament Street. Once there we got our Crystals and a few more knowing and sympathetic looks. Back to the most expensive car park in Dublin to retrieve the car and on to Woodies for the last of the items.

Woodies.

Out of the car once more (again with the baby) and into Woodies. We picked up some outrageously expensive glue, 2 packs of carpet tacks, a drill bit and the sheet of MDF. Score! Michael got to hold the baby here and watched in awe as woman mysteriously gravitated toward him.

The list now looked like:

1 x Bucket
1 x Glue
2 x Packets of carpet tacks
6 x Quartz Crystals
1 x Industrial strength glue
6 x 6'’ Long 1" copper piping
1 x 3'x2'’ sheet MDF
1 x Drill bit

Taa-Daa. Time to buy some doughnuts and beer and build a cloudbuster.

We arrived back at home and started to build the workbench, which we'd then use to build our cloudbuster. This took a suspiciously long time and the least said about it the better. In the end, we settled for a mostly built workbench. Don'’t press me about it, it'’s a touchy subject.



We were wearing tinfoil helmets at this stage. One of the properties of the cloudbusters is to remove UFOs from the immediate area. We were attempting to block our thoughts so the greys didn'’t get an inkling of what we were up to and try to intervene.



Sinéad became the official photographer for the day so the men could concentrate on the task at hand.

We laid out all the parts and got building.



First we had to cut spacers out of the MDF using the jigsaw and drill. All this went well. Some nice, reasonably round cuts and then a six holes drilled through to hold the copper pipes. At this stage the foil hats had come off. We were building the cloudbuster anyway, let those little grey bastards know whatÂ’s coming to them. Please note my responsible choice of footware.



Then disaster! The drill bit that we bought was too small. It turns out the 1" piping was measuring its internal diameter. Work was put on hold for two weeks.

Two weeks later we reconvened, I'’d bought a bigger drill bit in the meantime. Work continued apace. We finished all the spacers. Put the glue in the bottom of the bucket with the carpet tacks and laid the spacer on top of it. I chopped up six lengths of garden hose onto which went the Quartz. We inserted the copper pipes over this.



Added on top of this, some organic compost between spacers. We then glued the whole lot together. Top spacer on, and the cloudbuster was complete.



It'’s been running for a couple of weeks now and the weather has been superb. We reckon that the couple of blips of rain we saw were because of the compost drying out in the base reversing the polarity of the device. No ill or physical effects have been noticed by either Michael or Myself, so thankfully some of the more obvious dangers appear to have been avoided.

Although it feels dirty using the cloudbuster for profit, a nice business model has been suggested. We will guarantee nice weather for your barbeque or outdoor event. No win, no fee.

Cloudbusting T

Show your neighbourhood who controls the mid to upper atmosphere. Harness the power of Orgone for personal gain.

Yes! It's the Cloudbuster T

Has a back print:
“I ain’t afraid of no Cumulonimbus”



Perfect for the weatherman in your life, or anyone with an interest in Riechian Orgone Theory!

Learn how we made our own cloudbuster in a blog coming this way soon!

Lunchtime Merchandise

Due to the phenomenal demand of my own amusement, I am launching a range of clothing for the discerning lunchtime visitor.

Only one product so far but many more to come.

The “I AM NOT A CRANK” T.

Features:

In block capitals to really get your point across
Lets civic authorities know that you’re serious
Ideal motivational attire when writing letters in your attic

Unanswerables Answered

Snopes.com who try to answer urban myths and legends have a list of ‘Unanswerables’ posted here. In their own words they find the questions “too obscure or complicated […] to answer”

Here I try to pick up the slack.

Has anyone had to cut off their tongue because it frozen to a flagpole?

Only really, really stupid people.

Hi, I just wanted to ask if you could investigate this urban legend. 16 is the age of consent for having sex with someone over 18.

Depends what country you are in. If you are in the US you’d probably want to go to France where they’ll give you a medal instead of extraditing you.

Is Ciara a MAN????? PLEASE ANSWER ME BACK!!!!!

Yep.

I heard that bananas have a natural chemical that makes you happy. Is it also true that cockroaches can survive an atomic blast?

I love this question. Were you eating bananas when you wrote this?

I'm 19 and from Yuma, Az and I would like to know if this myth I'v been hearing is true? By masturbating it helps the chance by not getting cancer? Is that true?..also I'v hurd other myths about masturbation and don't know if those myths are true or not. But I would like to know about the question I asked befoe.

Keep masturbating buddy, hopefully it’ll keep you indoors and stop you breeding.

Is it true that a girl cannot get pregnant if her mate smokes the seeds of marijuana when he smokes marijuana, please tell me if this is true because a lot of people tell me it is true and a lot of people tell me it's not and I don't know whaether to believe it or not because this town lies a lot. thanks.

Are you from one of those states that has a God but no sex-ed? Yes you can get pregnant, but by the time you will have read this you probably know that for yourself.

Is the government really as controlling and secretive as books make them out to be? Are there really tons and tons of secret spies all over the world?

Ask yourself if there an answer you would believe for this question.

I would like to know what does work and what does not work for getting rid of 'hickeys.' Such as the cold spoon trick, toothpaste trick, etc.

Slag.


Well I hope that clears things up for all of you knowledge seekers. TTFN.