On Hold

Super busy. Looks like I'll be that way until I go holidays in two weeks.

Normal service will resume then.

Cloudbusting

Armed with instructions of the internet, Michael and I started to build our cloudbuster.

Here is how we did it.

A lovely day, we set out together (with my baby) to buy the materials needed. These were:

1 x Bucket
1 x Glue
2 x Packets of carpet tacks
6 x Quartz Crystals
1 x Industrial strength glue
6 x 6' Long 1" copper piping
1 x 3'x2'’ sheet MDF
1 x Drill bit

1st Stop Leixlip DIY

Armed with our print out and baby we strode into Leixlip DIY and asked for six six foot long one inch wide copper pipes. The guy in the forecourt obviously knew more about copper piping then we did.

"It comes in 20 or 40 foot,"” he opined.
The Reply? "“That won'’t fit in the car."

He took down the pipe and measured it. 18 foot! A sign! All that needed to happen was for the pipe to be cut into three.

"Could the pipe be cut into three?" Michael asked.
"“There'’s a hacksaw there,"” said our observant helper monkey.

There then followed an uncomfortable silence as the forecourt attendant realised that he was going to have to cut the pipe in three to get rid of us. Which he did, with surprisingly good grace. We bought a bucket and left.

The list now looked like this:

1 x Bucket
1 x Glue
2 x Packets of carpet tacks
6 x Quartz Crystals
1 x Industrial strength glue
6 x 6' Long 1"” copper piping
1 x 3'’x2'’ sheet MDF
1 x Drill bit

Off into Dublin to buy some Quartz Crystals.

I parked in Temple bar car park, and we walked down to Parliament Street to the astrology shop. On the way we popped into a jewellery place in Crown Alley, to see if they could help us. The woman there admired our baby and our seemingly progressive relationship and told us to go to Parliament Street. Once there we got our Crystals and a few more knowing and sympathetic looks. Back to the most expensive car park in Dublin to retrieve the car and on to Woodies for the last of the items.

Woodies.

Out of the car once more (again with the baby) and into Woodies. We picked up some outrageously expensive glue, 2 packs of carpet tacks, a drill bit and the sheet of MDF. Score! Michael got to hold the baby here and watched in awe as woman mysteriously gravitated toward him.

The list now looked like:

1 x Bucket
1 x Glue
2 x Packets of carpet tacks
6 x Quartz Crystals
1 x Industrial strength glue
6 x 6'’ Long 1" copper piping
1 x 3'x2'’ sheet MDF
1 x Drill bit

Taa-Daa. Time to buy some doughnuts and beer and build a cloudbuster.

We arrived back at home and started to build the workbench, which we'd then use to build our cloudbuster. This took a suspiciously long time and the least said about it the better. In the end, we settled for a mostly built workbench. Don'’t press me about it, it'’s a touchy subject.



We were wearing tinfoil helmets at this stage. One of the properties of the cloudbusters is to remove UFOs from the immediate area. We were attempting to block our thoughts so the greys didn'’t get an inkling of what we were up to and try to intervene.



Sinéad became the official photographer for the day so the men could concentrate on the task at hand.

We laid out all the parts and got building.



First we had to cut spacers out of the MDF using the jigsaw and drill. All this went well. Some nice, reasonably round cuts and then a six holes drilled through to hold the copper pipes. At this stage the foil hats had come off. We were building the cloudbuster anyway, let those little grey bastards know whatÂ’s coming to them. Please note my responsible choice of footware.



Then disaster! The drill bit that we bought was too small. It turns out the 1" piping was measuring its internal diameter. Work was put on hold for two weeks.

Two weeks later we reconvened, I'’d bought a bigger drill bit in the meantime. Work continued apace. We finished all the spacers. Put the glue in the bottom of the bucket with the carpet tacks and laid the spacer on top of it. I chopped up six lengths of garden hose onto which went the Quartz. We inserted the copper pipes over this.



Added on top of this, some organic compost between spacers. We then glued the whole lot together. Top spacer on, and the cloudbuster was complete.



It'’s been running for a couple of weeks now and the weather has been superb. We reckon that the couple of blips of rain we saw were because of the compost drying out in the base reversing the polarity of the device. No ill or physical effects have been noticed by either Michael or Myself, so thankfully some of the more obvious dangers appear to have been avoided.

Although it feels dirty using the cloudbuster for profit, a nice business model has been suggested. We will guarantee nice weather for your barbeque or outdoor event. No win, no fee.

Cloudbusting T

Show your neighbourhood who controls the mid to upper atmosphere. Harness the power of Orgone for personal gain.

Yes! It's the Cloudbuster T

Has a back print:
“I ain’t afraid of no Cumulonimbus”



Perfect for the weatherman in your life, or anyone with an interest in Riechian Orgone Theory!

Learn how we made our own cloudbuster in a blog coming this way soon!

Buff the Wand, Lara!

While on holiday retreat in a quiet (now vacant) farmhouse in Cork, the strangest thing happened to me. Lara Croft burst into the house, looking sweaty and breathless. I surmised that she must have been on the run from some evil rival tomb-raiding goons. What could have been on her mind as she beckoned me up the stairs?

I followed of course. She was waiting at the top of the stairs for me. Perhaps she is looking for a place to hide?

She kept calling. Where are you off to now, Lara? Hey! that’s the bedroom! My wife is asleep downstairs, I don’t think that she’d approve. You are not on my laminated list you know! You don’t mind? Damn.

I followed her in, and watched her climb into bed. Steady Lara! But what happened next amazed me. Buffy, obviously curious about what was happening, popped her head around the door. “Shouldn’t you be chasing demons?” I ventured. Buffy is a stern, taciturn sort and didn’t reply.

If Buffy’s appearance amazed me, what happened next floored me! The two girls got into bed! What is happening here?

The girls decided that they were a little uncomfortable in their clothes and decided to get into their night gear. Wow! Flannelette PJs Buffy! Look at Lara’s off the shoulder number. Where did that porn come from?

It was nice of them to invite me in, and let me bring my beer with me. Not sure that Buffy is too impressed though. Hey ladies! I’m here! Put away that porno…

They didn’t want me. Gerry decided that he’d give the ladies a try. He ended up reading porno too. Hey Gerry! Where’s your right hand? You dirty beggar!

Well, the ladies were obviously tired from their life of adventure. It would take many hours for Buffy to thaw, and Lara was probably just playing games. They let the two of us snuggle up for the evening. It was nice of them to share their porn I suppose.

World at War

There has been a lot of talk recently about terror alerts and creating a culture of fear. The British Ministry for Misguided Dangerous Crap started a website and booklet campaign. You can visit it here. Some wag put up a parody site with a similar domain name, here. The US has their Completely Fucking Ridiculous Terror Alert System. The US is currently on orange. Methinks this system probably wouldn’t work so well in the North (we’re staying on green, fuck ye, ye fucking orange hooer).

So, in the national interest I have decided (with the help of my wife and brother in law), to create a “what to do in an emergency” manual for Ireland. For the purposes of illustration pretend that it’s a nuclear emergency. It’s pronounced nu-kill-leer.

1. Find your pills.

If you live in Ireland you should have received your Iodine tablets. You can find out the benefits of these here. Truth be told, you may well be better off stuffing them up your ass. You’ll probably still feel the placebo effect.

2. Other Pills

If you live in Ireland and have not received your Iodine tablets, you probably haven’t been singled out for saving by the government. You probably paid your taxes, didn’t vote some lying cheating bastard back into office, or belittled them constantly on your blog. Then you may have received these pills instead. Take them if you want. You’re fucked anyway.

3. Tinned Food

When you are looting your local supermarket, choose Tesco or Superquinn. Lidl and Aldi suck ass. Go for tins of stuff. Above is a man looking very pleased with a tin of custard. He’ll be less pleased when he realises that it’s powdered. Try to steal stuff that doesn’t need milk or water added.

4. Prepare for War

Unsavoury types will be all around. You’ll need to be prepared. Here are a couple of pictures of myself and wife in full battle gear. No one would want to mess with a couple of well prepared tough looking cookies like us.

5. Nuclear Winter

It’s going to get cold. Huddle up. You only allowed outside for 5 minutes a day for the first month, 10 minutes a day the next month. Soon you’ll be inviting friends over for a barbeque. Yum! Hey! Where’s my brother in law? Serves him right for not having a WWII hat. We’ll be prepared. My wife was in the guides.

6. The Dinosaurs

The dinosaurs have been waiting for a while to reclaim the earth (about 65 million years, give or take), so if they are going to try something it will probably be around this time. A hat may not help you here. You could try hiding under the table.

Buckle up. Could happen at any moment.