Batman

The new Batman movie is supposed to be excellent.

Maybe DC will take this opportunity to release a Batman comic that's not shit, however unlikely that may seem.

Store Bags.

Recently I have noticed women walking around town using store bags instead or in place of handbags. Two of the more prevalent are La Senza & Myla. Now for folks that don't know, these are both lingerie stores, albeit from different ends of the market.

Yep, you'll get noticed. Presumably that's the point.

A La Senza bag says: "I like dirty, cheap, nasty underwear. And thrush."

A Myla bag says: "I like dirty, expensive, tasty underwear."

BTW, I am more bemused than disapproving. I am going to start carring a couple of bags around myself.

A Jockey bag says: "I like tighty whities, Beckham wears them now so that makes it OK, but I'm probably married all the same."

A Calvin Klien bag says: "I spend too much on underwear, but these are sexy, yes? Is this 1995?"

I can make it work, right?

Price of a cup of coffee?

On the way into work a homeless man asked me for the price of a cup of coffee.

I gave him €4.

SPAM and the future.

I must confess to kind of liking spam. Not in a enjoy-getting-it-into-my-mailbox sort of way, more of a enjoy-looking-at-titles-while-looking-for-real-mail sort of way.

I particularly like when spammers don't bother pretending that their messages are anything else but spam, a few messages like this are guaranteed to put a smile on my face. To wit [all sic - btw]:

Update your Penis
Take out your secret weapon
Do not let the desease spoil your life!
More massive love luger [For the German market]
Turn it into a thing she will never forget
Make your love wand function better
This small blue-colored-pill will turn you to supermacho! [For the Mexican market]
Bring back time when girls were yours.
Lineage to the King of Siam
Attitude of the Hero
Beach season is near, ensure your potence on vacation.
Britney drops top at Monte Carlo [eh. I realise this isn't funny, but I am fixated]
I want sale you rolex . Do you want one? [does this guy want to sell my Rolex?]
Graduate in style with a new shaft [mixing college with penile enlargement. A+]
Is your love stick as hard as stone?
Re: as big as BIG BANG [Ho, Ho. Brilliant. I really like the way this is a 'RE:' like I came up with the original mail. Hey guy! can you make me as big as the BIG BANG? Simply perfect]
Stop being the joke around town

Ah yes. I am ready to take my place as a disease-free supermacho King of Thailand [née Siam], back to a halcyon time when all the girls were mine, pleasing them all with my love luger while looking at pictures of Brittney topless. I will have an endless supply of blue pills and watches. I will no longer be a joke around town either, probably because of my heroic attitude.

This is what spam is like at the moment, we all know it, we all get it.
But what will spam be like in the future? Here's my guess:

Hey! Petrol only cheap $$$
Too Hot? Try our sell you suncream
Tried of boiling? Clean water, Perfectly potable.
In the slow lane? Tired of queuing for Gas?
Dare to get in the air? Travel Deal$, cheap!!
Make your love wand function better - Because even at the end of the world, you'll need a gigantic cock.

Gosh! Canadians sure do suck at Mario Kart

Hey there everyone. Been gone a while.

Just thought I'd pop back to say that Canadians (yes, all of them) suck at Mario Kart.

To illustrate, here is a picture of a clearly distressed Luigi in a pair of Moose horns, being trounced by a determined Mario in a leprechaun hat. The (not-so) titanic battle set against a backdrop of the Candian Flag.

Until next time folks! Enjoy!

More Metro Copy editing

So the bag thing in the metro really kicked off. Not sure I approve of Metro's copy editing process though.

A couple of people replied to my first letter, I especially liked this guy's response:

"Conor, I get the Dart from Dún Laoghaire to Tara Street at 10.26am. I am 5' 11in with dark hair and wear a suit with a dark grey overcoat, and yes, if there are empty seats, I will put my bag beside me. So, if you see me, maybe you would like to ask me to move it? No? I didn't think so."

Now, who knows what his original email was like? I imagine, his point is that he is a man, not a woman so I wouldn't ask him to move his bag because I only harass women. So, his letter to the Metro was probably originally more like this:

"Conor, I get the Dart from Dún Laoghaire to Tara Street at 10.26am. I am 5' 11in man with dark hair and wear a suit with a dark grey overcoat, and yes, if there are empty seats, I will put my bag beside me. So, if you see me, maybe you would like to ask me to move it? No? I didn't think so."

The man is important because it changes the tone and makes a point about me being a scary pervert. Instead he comes across as a loon who thinks 5' 11" dudes in suits are scary.

So, I wrote a letter back, which Metro published as:

"Shane, I am 30+, 6ft, Brown hair, GSOH. Not sure if your letter was a threat or a promise, but if I start taking the train at 10.30, could you move your bag for me? It could lead to fun, friendship or possibly more."

But what I wrote was:

"Shane, I am 30+, 6' 0", Brown hair, Hirsute, GSOH. Not sure if your letter was a threat or a promise, but if I lose my job and start taking the train at 10.30, could you move your bag for me? It could lead to fun, friendship or possibly more..."

So they kept the gay and removed the funny. Which is fine, if a little pointless. Poor Shane will think some dude is trying to pick him up everytime he is asked to move his bag.

Metro 2

So I go another letter published in the Metro. They copy edited it quite heavily, getting rid of some of the more..um..questionable sentiment:

Original:
So, some guy is labelled "rude" for asking someone to move their bag on the train? I whole-heartedly support the bloke in this situation, and would question who was being uncivil. Nothing makes the red mist descend quicker then a seat reserved for a bag: hand, school, gym or other. If all the 'first' seats are gone on the train, the seat with the bag will draw me to it like a homing beacon, and I'll ask you to move it so I can sit down. I know a number of other guys who do the same thing, a good affirmative action making a point about anti-social behaviour. So there you have it, if you don't want my fat ass sitting beside you, keep that seat bag-free.

Metro:
So, some guy is labelled "rude" for asking someone to move their bag on the train? I support the bloke in this situation. Nothing makes the red mist descend quicker then a seat reserved for a bag, hand, school, gym or other. If all the 'first' seats are gone on the train, the seat with the bag will draw me to it like a homing beacon, and I'll ask you to move it so I can sit down. I know other guys who do the same thing. So there, if you don't want my fat ass sitting beside you, keep that seat bag-free.

Bush and Me

Well,

This is...........odd.



Maybe I should try and find this guy. Weird.

Solving the cocaine problem.

I read an article on the internet today about vaccines being developed for nicotine and cocaine addition. It’s just the sort of fucking about the human body I find simultaneously interesting and really, really scary. Apparently human trials are underway (Hey! It worked on the Monkeys! The Capuchins aren’t wearing sunglasses any more! They seem to pretty angry and depressed too…), so maybe we will see this magic bullet sometime by 2020.

Now, while the scientists think they may be benefiting society with their invention (a stretch, I admit: google exhibit A: Fluorescent Cats), it is easy to predict function creep. Now I can take drugs when I am bored, or when I am not bored, or indeed anytime at all and then take a vaccine to remove all future effects. I’ll still need to overcome the addiction, which is, I suppose, a drawback. However in clinical trials overcoming addiction is apparently going well, with users not switching to other drugs.

The next step is to make cocaine free. I was going to say “widely available” but this is 2007, everyman and his dog can get cocaine if they so desire. Needless to say, the Colombian drug lords won’t be to cooperative about giving their marching powder away free gratis, so it stands to reason that we will need an army of robots to grow it on the moon.

While my Lunar-Automatons are at it, they can start cultivating opium and heroin. The Thai warlords in the Golden Triangle mightn’t like this, but my plot involves making them think the Taliban are to blame. Hopefully this will lead to mutually-assured-destruction. I’ll explain my plan to the Americans and they’ll fund it all. They have a good track record in this area, and will get to bomb Afghanistan again, lucky boys. We’ll set the winners up against the Colombians.

Once my drugs hit the streets, people with weak hearts or other complaints may continue to die due to overdoses, but I’ll have to chalk this up to Darwin at work. If you are not aware of the dangers of cocaine or heroin abuse you are either living in a cave, are irretrievably stupid, or just don’t care. My Mooncoke® will be pure (no cement, petrol, laxative, talcum powder, chalk etc.), so will minimise the risk as much as possible.

Parents may choose to inoculate their children against the effects of drugs. This is a mistake, and will be made illegal. The children need to become addicted, so by overcoming addiction they are made stronger. While society may first baulk at feeding children LunarHorse® for breakfast, hopefully the benefits will soon become clear. By overcoming addiction in the formative years, children will less likely to succumb to addiction as adults. Those children whose addictions cannot be broken, will be boiled down for glue.

Synthetic drugs of any sort will all be banned. My robots will flood the market with lethal-variants, making sure that any dabbling in the area will have an odds-on chance of death. You would do well do remember that I am looking out for your best interests, and yes, I do know best.

Now the governments of the world mightn’t like this, most likely because free things don’t have any tax revenue. Some angry parents may not like swapping their offspring for a tin of evostick. They may try and tax the vaccine, but then they’ll be causing a drug epidemic. It’s a real Smack-22. Perhaps they’ll come after me.

Not a wise move, don’t they know I have an army of robots?

I am not dead, but I am a little closer.

A quick note to say I am not dead.

Though not blogging (at all), I always have a few in mind (a very boring essay on superman for one, and more of me naked for two).

As for getting older, I was in the IT room bending over replacing a hard disk.
When I stood up, without warning, a stream of vomit came out of my nose.

Most unpleasant.