Resigning

At the start of the month I resigned from my job. It was a personal first, and, I must admit, a not wholey unenjoyable experience. The conversation ran a lot like this.

Me: I'm Off.
E: Ok Then.
Me: No honestly, I'm off!
E: Ok Then, have a nice time.

But now I present the real reason for my departure and the resignation letter I never got to use.

Dear E,
I joined Irish Life Invesment Managers as a programmer not to further my career in software engineering, but in order to gather enough evidence to prove that you are the notorious and nefarious KGB agent, "Red Thunder". Now that I have sent my dossier to Special Branch, my job here is done, so I may tender my resignation to you.

My suspicions were aroused when I saw you make the Team Brief presentation in July of 2001. You had eschewed the traditional shirt and crooked tie in favour of a mackintosh and ill-fitting trilby. That episode and your appearance on the RTE’s Questions & Answers in 2002, when you asked Brian Cowen whether he thought Ireland’s rugby team could beat a Ukranian select XI, gave me the impetus to expose you.

Luckily my years watching Bond Movies and reading "Amateur Spy Monthly" have served me well and I was easily able gather evidence: the twice-weekly visits to Mrs. Biggins’ House of Easy Virtue - a safe house if ever there was one; your known associations with Cambridge Graduates; the limp; unnecessary queuing at the bakery; your predilection for borscht and tearful viewing of the Battleship Potemkin. These habits alone would have been enough for me to have you arrested, but sending the plans for the Dublin Port tunnel to "Submarine Commander Boris" was your final mistake.

By the time you read this, the unmarked cars will be at your door and I will be sharing a martini with your pretty young assistant, Tatiana Shagdilova.

Yours,