To my German fans

"Dear Herren,

I humbly apologise if you have come here looking for pornography. I have no idea why the German Yahoo image search should be guiding you towards us on your quest for all-too personal gratification, but now that you are here you may as well read on. I am talking to you.

I am truly sorry I cannot offer you a “porno pet” or a “little porno” (Ugh! By the way! Little porno? Seek help) or indeed some “Asian porno”. I can offer you some “Buffy porno” but I don’t think it is what you are looking for. I would really like to know what you were going to do with the pictures of “fat Ukrainian women with gold teeth” though. I seriously hope that this was for a project of some kind, but since you were using the search engine “xxx.excite.de” I find it difficult to give you the benefit of the doubt.

I find it marginally upsetting that I am getting about 5% of my meagre traffic from sexually-frustrated Germans. I imagine that you find it equally frustrating that all I am providing you with is tirades against Irish politics and less-than-insightful articles about my neuroses. However, I imagine you liked the article about the Eurovision. Perhaps soon I’ll do a piece on David Hasselhoff.

I suspect that the folks at Yahoo.de are in the midst of some sort of Teutonic-Anthropology experiments with you as the white mice, so to speak. I would send them a mail to ask them, but perhaps I am part of the study as well. Best keep schtum in case they send the search-engine SS around to burn down our houses.

Anyway, sorry I couldn’t give you the filth you were looking for. Please accept a picture of Marlene Dietrich dressed like a man as an apology. Don’t try stalking her or following her home, she’s dead.

Auf wiedersehen,

C."