13,000 ft is pretty high ....
So yesterday I strolled into Sydney Skydivers just around the corner from the YHA, handed over my $100 deposit, for a tandem skydive.
So this morning, got up at 6.00 o clock and headed over.
Now I can honestly say that up to this point nerves of any sort hadn't been an issue. Statisically safer than driving a car and all that ....
Well when I arrive into their office this morning, and am sitting there waiting for the bus to bring us out, they put on a promotional video showing lots of exciting skydives. Of course, by exciting I mean Holy FUCK!!! what the hell are those people doing. Look those idiots are jumping out of perfectly good planes. And its bloody high up too.
From that point, I'm man enough to say, I was bricking it. On the bus out everyone, and I even mean the 60 yr old mother, asked me if I was alright and if perhaps I was feeling a little nervous. NERVOUS!!!!! I was about to die what did they expect?
Arrive at the jump center, and I'm put into the second load. This means that I get to see all the first load jump to their certain dooms. I wonder quietly do they have more instructors, for when half this lot are ink blots.
Filling out the 42 page disclaimer I notice that the the first line reads "Sky diving is a dangerous activity and accidents causing injury and death can and often do happen". What!!! OFTEN???? Now, often is how frequently I went to the crapper in south east asia. Often could describe thoughts I have of quitting work and coming back out here. Often should not, and I mean, never describe the frequency of deaths in any activity done just for kicks.
Now, at no point was there ever a real chance that I wasn't going to do the jump, but I think giving a flavour of how nervous I was is important.
In an unlikely turn of events, if the disclaimer is to be believed, none of jumpers in the first load, are either injured or die. Apparently the odds of someone buying it in the second load have just gone up dramatically.
Into a jump suit. Into a harness. Examine the dodgy stiching and flimsy hooks. How can something that small be expected to hold a man of my girth onto my instructor, Lee. He seems quite laid back about the whole thing. He makes some not very funny jokes about us dieing. He of course asks if I'm a little nervous.
Meet my camera guy, he of course is laid back. Jokes about Lee's ass being the last thing to go through my mind if we die. Asks if I'm a little nervous.
Ok, now for something where death is so often, we might well have expected a gruelling several hour primer on the rudimentary basics of aerodynamics, and a few hours on emergency procedures. But instead I get a four minute, count em four minute, description of how exactly I'm going to die. When I say this, put your hands here and your legs here. When I say that, put your hands there and legs there. Never touch my hands, or else I will bite your head.
Onto the plane, sit on the floor. Lee blesses himself. During the climb I fidget relentlessly, because I can't figure out a leg postion that stops my knees from shaking. Eventually settle on a hand on each knee to keep them steady. Find out later that the look on my face is keeping the mother and son across from me immensely entertained.
15 minutes of spiralling ascent later we stand up. Lee clips himself onto my back. Fiddles with some straps. Plays a juvenile game of stuffing tissue paper down other instructors backs. C'mon man, there's serious business to had here.
Jesus Lee, look over there, I think. Some fool has just opened the back door. Oh my god someone's just jumped out. Should we send flowers?
So the moment arrives. My cameraman, grabs the side of the plane and leans back. Lee grabs above the door frame, and calls for legs back. This is without a doubt the single scariest moment ever. Legs back, calls for you to crouch down, let Lee's harness take my weight, then cross my legs, take them off the ground, and put them back between Lee's. Of course while doing this you're leaning forward slightly, looking down at the ground 13 and half thousand feet away.
Well I do it on Q, Lee gives the camera man the thumbs and whoosshh!!!
Holy fuckbag!!
The 60 seconds of freefall that follows defies adequate descrition. Amazing, Fantastic, Brilliant, a complete rush. Lots of trying to give cool looking thumbs up's to the camera but on inspection of the video later, failing miserably. The minute feels like its over in about 5 seconds. The tug tug and whoosh again as the chute deploys. It take a few seconds to me to figure if everything is ok. It is and suddenly everything is quite quiet.
The rest of the parachute descent take about 4 minutes, during which he points out sydney on the horizon amongst other things.
Seconds from landing the call for knees up. Up the go, and the landing is complete if a little ungainly.
Stand up exhilarated. Amazed at the whole experience. Desperate to do it again at some point. Surely the best AUD$275 I'll spend on holiday.
Later watch back the video with Lee and the camera guy. Apparently I'm wearing a loose fitting rubber mask. Or are they rolls of fat?
All bloody good fun.
Michael
Saturday, March 27, 2004
Hello From Down Under......
Previously on an episode of Fat Lad Abroad ....
"Bangkok ... Dancing ladies... Siem Riep .. Old Rocks .. Phnom Penh ... Dead Ducks .. Ho Chi Minh .. Kieran ... "
Left Ho Chi Minh last sunday .....
..snip..
Am now in Australia ...
Immediatly checked which way the water goes down the toilet ... will need to check again when I go home.
Came really really close to not leaving South East Asia... and just spending another month there ...
Jet lag is a bitch ... want to sleep .. but its too early yet ...
Previously on an episode of Fat Lad Abroad ....
"Bangkok ... Dancing ladies... Siem Riep .. Old Rocks .. Phnom Penh ... Dead Ducks .. Ho Chi Minh .. Kieran ... "
Left Ho Chi Minh last sunday .....
..snip..
Am now in Australia ...
Immediatly checked which way the water goes down the toilet ... will need to check again when I go home.
Came really really close to not leaving South East Asia... and just spending another month there ...
Jet lag is a bitch ... want to sleep .. but its too early yet ...
Monday, March 22, 2004
Boer War II
A bit of background to the below. A couple of weeks ago we answered the intercom to the police asking to be let in to our apartment. I went downstairs to meet two guards in sporty tracksuits. It came as no surprise that they were actually looking for SAWMWBTP. They laughed when they realised they had buzzed the wrong apartment, “You probably thought someone was dead!” they quipped. I think they just wanted to lawfully gain entry to the complex.
A few days later Sinéad met South African white male wanted by the police again, she had forgotten her keys and was waiting for me to come home and let her in. Part of the reason I love her so much is because of her direct nature, even so, I am not sure that this is the direction I would have taken with SAWMWBTP, especially if I had no means of escape.
SAWMWBTP is about 5’ 7” of slight build, clean shaven, and speaks with a South African accent. He is often seen in denim jeans with brown work boots. You can see white the whole way around his pupils, probably caused by a thyroid deficiency. An overactive thyroid can cause sleep deprivation and eventual madness. Approach with extreme caution.
Sinéad: I hope everything is OK
SAWMWBTP: Eh?
Sinéad: With the police.
SAWMWBTP: Eh?
Sinéad: They came looking for you, I hope everything is OK
SAWMWBTP: What?
Sinéad: With the police.
SAWMWBTP: Eh?
Sinéad: The police came looking for you, they buzzed us by mistake, we let them in.
SAWMWBTP: What?
Sinéad: I’ll be there in a couple of minutes cat!
South African white male wanted by the police retreats into his apartment and starts putting the body parts into bin liners; he is still confused about continuing cat references. We are currently double locking our door at night.
A bit of background to the below. A couple of weeks ago we answered the intercom to the police asking to be let in to our apartment. I went downstairs to meet two guards in sporty tracksuits. It came as no surprise that they were actually looking for SAWMWBTP. They laughed when they realised they had buzzed the wrong apartment, “You probably thought someone was dead!” they quipped. I think they just wanted to lawfully gain entry to the complex.
A few days later Sinéad met South African white male wanted by the police again, she had forgotten her keys and was waiting for me to come home and let her in. Part of the reason I love her so much is because of her direct nature, even so, I am not sure that this is the direction I would have taken with SAWMWBTP, especially if I had no means of escape.
SAWMWBTP is about 5’ 7” of slight build, clean shaven, and speaks with a South African accent. He is often seen in denim jeans with brown work boots. You can see white the whole way around his pupils, probably caused by a thyroid deficiency. An overactive thyroid can cause sleep deprivation and eventual madness. Approach with extreme caution.
Sinéad: I hope everything is OK
SAWMWBTP: Eh?
Sinéad: With the police.
SAWMWBTP: Eh?
Sinéad: They came looking for you, I hope everything is OK
SAWMWBTP: What?
Sinéad: With the police.
SAWMWBTP: Eh?
Sinéad: The police came looking for you, they buzzed us by mistake, we let them in.
SAWMWBTP: What?
Sinéad: I’ll be there in a couple of minutes cat!
South African white male wanted by the police retreats into his apartment and starts putting the body parts into bin liners; he is still confused about continuing cat references. We are currently double locking our door at night.
Traffic Management – The Waterford Way
If you’re designing a city and need some tips on how to best manage your traffic problems, why not take a look at the Waterford Model…
The ideal solution is to keep your traffic moving and prevent congestion at peek rush hour traffic times. Here’s an incite into the how its done in Waterford.
1) The Bridge Solution: Stop traffic from entering the City altogether at rush hour by raising the bridge at 8:30am. This takes roughly 20 minutes to stop the traffic, raise the bridge, let a small boat through and then lower the bridge. The net affect is 4-mile tailbacks on both sides of the bridge.
2) Synchronised traffic lights. The main road through the city runs down the mall into Manor Street and in this small section of road there are 4 sets of traffic lights, would it be a problem to synchronise these lights? The corporation claims they are, but only if your driving through them at 4am at 50mph, please.
3) Dig up the roads: Picture this, The Quay is the main artery of the city and the corporation with their mighty wisdom, decide that we have too much tax payers money burning a hole in our pockets, I know lets dig up the quay at the Clock Tower (20m section of Road) and put down cobble stones, it would look really nice… Yeah but I ask you how much is nice costing us the taxpayer eh. Also its causing traffic chaos and the noise is unbearable. How long does it take to do this section of road, current 2 weeks into it and its only half done.
Please somebody send Waterford Corporation on a Traffic Management and Financial Management Course.
If you’re designing a city and need some tips on how to best manage your traffic problems, why not take a look at the Waterford Model…
The ideal solution is to keep your traffic moving and prevent congestion at peek rush hour traffic times. Here’s an incite into the how its done in Waterford.
1) The Bridge Solution: Stop traffic from entering the City altogether at rush hour by raising the bridge at 8:30am. This takes roughly 20 minutes to stop the traffic, raise the bridge, let a small boat through and then lower the bridge. The net affect is 4-mile tailbacks on both sides of the bridge.
2) Synchronised traffic lights. The main road through the city runs down the mall into Manor Street and in this small section of road there are 4 sets of traffic lights, would it be a problem to synchronise these lights? The corporation claims they are, but only if your driving through them at 4am at 50mph, please.
3) Dig up the roads: Picture this, The Quay is the main artery of the city and the corporation with their mighty wisdom, decide that we have too much tax payers money burning a hole in our pockets, I know lets dig up the quay at the Clock Tower (20m section of Road) and put down cobble stones, it would look really nice… Yeah but I ask you how much is nice costing us the taxpayer eh. Also its causing traffic chaos and the noise is unbearable. How long does it take to do this section of road, current 2 weeks into it and its only half done.
Please somebody send Waterford Corporation on a Traffic Management and Financial Management Course.
Friday, March 19, 2004
Saint patricks day has come and gone here ... and all was good fun. While your average Ho Chi Minh'ian doesnt know the complete historical significance of march 17th, there are enough paddies out here to mean that the day didn't go unnoticed (Even if that did mean there was a $10 cover on all the Irish Bars - $10!!! Thats two night accomadation).
On the grounds that we've hardly been exhausting ourselves here in Saigon, we've decided to forgoe the lounging around the beach option in favour of heading straight up to Hanoi. We're going by train (its takes about 30 hours!!) so should get us in sometime sunday I think.....
That'll give me 4/5 days to see the sights before flying from Hanoi back to Bangkok.
Saigon's been good, kinda low key - but in a good way. Spent a lot of time with Kieran, (and his missus) .. even managed to fit in a game of bowling ... We managed to make a bar called Saigon our surrogate home.
Found a nice eaterie ... which sells a wonderful tuna curry (reminds me of lunches in the canteen) ... maybe Vietnamese food is picking up ...
Oh and Oh my God Vietnamese Girls ... I refuse to be drawn in a debate on which south east asian country has the nicest ladies. Thats a purely philosophical question ... a lot like how many angels can dance on the head of a pin (Pin in this context is not a methaphor - well of course its a metaphor .. just not for what you think - dirty buggers!!) ...
Michael
On the grounds that we've hardly been exhausting ourselves here in Saigon, we've decided to forgoe the lounging around the beach option in favour of heading straight up to Hanoi. We're going by train (its takes about 30 hours!!) so should get us in sometime sunday I think.....
That'll give me 4/5 days to see the sights before flying from Hanoi back to Bangkok.
Saigon's been good, kinda low key - but in a good way. Spent a lot of time with Kieran, (and his missus) .. even managed to fit in a game of bowling ... We managed to make a bar called Saigon our surrogate home.
Found a nice eaterie ... which sells a wonderful tuna curry (reminds me of lunches in the canteen) ... maybe Vietnamese food is picking up ...
Oh and Oh my God Vietnamese Girls ... I refuse to be drawn in a debate on which south east asian country has the nicest ladies. Thats a purely philosophical question ... a lot like how many angels can dance on the head of a pin (Pin in this context is not a methaphor - well of course its a metaphor .. just not for what you think - dirty buggers!!) ...
Michael
Thursday, March 18, 2004
A Rogue's Gallery
Corruption, sleaze, the lazy and inexcusable “better the devil you know” school of thought, lowering the age of eligibility to vote to sixteen, complete and utter disrespect for the general public, allegedly the most sophisticated electorate in the world endorsing dishonesty, backhanders, brown envelopes, perjury, violence, illiteracy, off-shore accounts, tribunals, liars, broken promises, complete and absolute disrespect for the law, ineptitude and gross stupidity.
Politics in Ireland as of 17th March 2004.
Below is a list of some of the worst; their crimes, and the punishment to be handed out to the electorate where applicable. It’s not just the politicians that are guilty. All the below are currently deputies.
1. Michael Lowry
Register your displeasure at:
Lowry, Michael (Other) (Technical Group)
Ó Labhraí, Micheál
Abbey Road, Thurles, Co. Tipperary
Also guilty of collusion: People of Tipperary (North Riding)
Crime: Grand Larceny
Well publicized he took a barrel load of money off Ben Dunne and built an extension to his house with it, completely undeclared of course. When questioned about it he said "[the extension] was not designed by me as a tax evasion measure ... If someone was trying to hide income, would they not be more likely to put it in, say, an offshore account?" This is interesting because after availing of the 1993 tax amnesty, he reported in 1996 "that some of my tax obligations are still outstanding." Just before he said this he had opened an offshore account, bringing his total number of [known] offshore accounts to three. When Lowry went back to the polls, the people of Tipperary voted him straight back in number one. Stupid bastards.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence:
Lowry got removed from the Fianna Gael party, and had to settle his bill. While I don’t think he should be allowed hold public office, unfortunately there is no law against it. The real villains of this piece are the stupid, stupid people of Tipperary North Riding. I propose that Tipp North is given no public funding from the rest of the country and must foot the bill for all their own hospitals, roads and amenities from local tax collected. They have effectively sanctioned tax fraud, they should have to live with it.
2. Emmet Stagg
Vent your bile to:
Stagg, Emmet (Labour Party)
Lodge Park, Straffan, Co. Kildare
Collaborators: People of Kildare (North)
Crime: Soliciting prostitutes
In 1994, Stagg was picked up in the phoenix park by the Gardai soliciting a prostitute. While researching this I came across a wealth of ill-informed comment. Mostly the arguments ran along two lines, one that homosexuality is not a crime. Absolutely! This is not an argument about homosexuality; yes, the prostitute was a man, but the operative word here is prostitute.
Second, that we are not moral guardians, one’s sexuality is not a matter for public discussion, look at Bill Clinton etc. Yes, again I agree with all of this, but it is, of course, completely irrelevant. Prostitution is still illegal.
The press dropped this story, Stagg did not resign, and he sailed back into office courtesy of the people of Kildare north.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence:
I took a while coming up with a guilty verdict for this. The real problem I have is that Stagg did not resign from office (Labour were incumbent at the time), I think it shows a lack of character. Prostitution to be legalized for the people of north Kildare.
3. Beverley Cooper-Flynn
Make your views known to:
Cooper-Flynn, Beverley (Fianna Fáil)
Ní Fhloinn, Beverley
2 The Manor Village, Westport Road, Castlebar, Co. Mayo
Seen fraternizing with: People of Mayo
Crime: Supporting Tax evasion
Ms. Cooper-Flynn took a case against RTE for defamation of character. RTE claimed in a report that Cooper-Flynn had knowingly given advice to a 69 old farmer James Howard on how to avoid paying tax; she said she did no such thing. It was, and still is to this day, the biggest case of its kind ever seen in the state. The libel action failed, Cooper-Flynn left with staggering legal costs. Interestingly, RTE disproved libel not by the evidence provided by James Howard, who Beverley consistently claimed she never met, but by three other witnesses, all self confessed tax evaders. Perhaps Beverley is not all at fault, maybe it was the way she was brought up. Her father Pádraig (you may have seen his comedy act on the Late Late show), took £50,000 from a property developer Tom Gilmartin, half of which was invested offshore on the advice of his daughter. The Flynns signed a declaration giving a false London address in order to avoid DIRT tax at a time when both were tax resident in Ireland. The Taoiseach still has big hugs for them both.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence:
Mayo to be setup as a tax haven, golf courses a-plenty and the Westies and drug barons can come back from Alicante to take up residence. It will become the new Monaco. All public services to be removed, people required to have passports to travel to and from Mayo. All citizens to be issued the new Mayo dollar at an exchange rate of €1 : MO$.00001
4. Jackie Healy Rae
Letters of the displeased to:
Healy-Rae, Jackie (Other)
Ó Healaigh, Seán
Main Street, Kilgarvan, Co. Kerry
Quislings: People of Kerry South
Crime: Shameless profiteering at the expense of the rest of the country.
Every time this man opens his mouth it is a complete travesty. He has no concept of the big picture. The [weak] government needed his vote to stay in power, and pandered to his every whim.
Here are the lowlights:
1) His vigorous lobbying resulted in Kerry and Clare being included in Ireland's poorest regions, a move which jeopardised the country's application for EU funding.
2) Shows complete and utter comtempt for the countries planning regulations, on at least two separate occasions, the marina being the most recent example “[the marina] was constructed 'a few feet' too close to the road than was allowed for in the planning permission”
3) Instilled the same morally bankrupt views in his son Michael, known as “Dolly” because he is a clone of his Dad, now a politician too.
4) Both father and son are isolationist racists. “Ireland for the Irish” and “85pc of asylum seekers arriving here were not genuine refugees” are two choice quotes.
Verdict: Guilty, released on own reconnaissance
Sentence:
No actual crime has been committed, so leniency is required. Every asylum seeker who comes to Ireland to be housed in Kerry. Planning regulations to be abandoned completely in south Kerry, build where you want, when you want. The Irish Tourist board ordered no longer to take an interest in Kerry. Fungie the dolphin to be re-homed in Clare. South Kerry forced to pay majority of Ireland’s cut when aid for the ten new EU states is required.
5. Martin Ferris
Your unified disgust (Bearla or Gaeilge) to:
Ferris, Martin (Sinn Féin) ((Technical Group)
No. 2 Moyderwell, Tralee, Co. Kerry
The fifth column: People of Kerry North
Crime: Deputy Martin Ferris calls for the release of the killers of Detective Garda Gerry McCabe.
Detective Garda Gerry McCabe was gunned down in a botched post office raid in Adare in 1996. The killers fled to Kerry, sparking a massive manhunt. There are also Kerry links with the Don Tidey kidnap case in 1983. It cannot be a surprise to anyone that Martin Ferris got elected a TD in Kerry
In relation to the above, Mr Ferris called for an amnesty for all republican prisoners. When asked if this included capital murderers, Mr Ferris replied: "There will be no settlement until all republican prisoners are released. All republican prisoners. That includes everyone."
He was then asked "does this include those on remand facing capital murder charges?". Mr Ferris replied: "There will be no settlement while any republicans remain in jail. Including those on remand."
Contrary any rational person’s sensibilities, he and his fellow deputies posed for a photograph with the killers of Garda McCabe in Castlerea prison.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence:
Removal of all the Gardai from Kerry North, they cannot be expect to work somewhere where getting shot while working is endorsed. All Post offices to be shut down in North Kerry. Retired Kidnapper Danny Morrison Sinn Fein’s “publicist,” to be appointed chief justice for North Kerry, a role he is allegedly familiar with.
6. GV Wright
Courier your letter of distaste to:
Wright, G. V. (Fianna Fáil)
Mac an tSaoir, Tomás
Leinster House, Kildare Street, Dublin 2
Turncoats: People of Dublin North
Crime: Drink Driving, GBH
One night late last year, minister GV Wright left the Dail, got into his car, drove through town and hit a pedestrian. He was breathalysed and was over the limit. The woman he hit had her right leg broken in four places. GV Wright, stand up fella that he is, refused to compromise himself by apologizing to the woman he hit, the Taoiseach to his credit, did. Eventually in a prepared statement, he apologized. He got fined €900 and banned from driving for two years. Oddly, he got quite emotional while apologizing to his party colleagues. Crocodile tears?
Wright is obviously a fan of the Dáil bar; allegedly he was given £2,000 cash in there in 1993 wrapped in a newspaper, sure that’s something to drink about alright!
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence:
It remains to be seen if GV will be voted back in, so I am avoiding punitive penalties against the people of Dublin North. There will probably be a civil action taken against TD Wright by his victim, the world awaits. If the electorate vote him back in, the removal of driving licences and automobiles from the residents of Dublin north will be necessary.
Corruption, sleaze, the lazy and inexcusable “better the devil you know” school of thought, lowering the age of eligibility to vote to sixteen, complete and utter disrespect for the general public, allegedly the most sophisticated electorate in the world endorsing dishonesty, backhanders, brown envelopes, perjury, violence, illiteracy, off-shore accounts, tribunals, liars, broken promises, complete and absolute disrespect for the law, ineptitude and gross stupidity.
Politics in Ireland as of 17th March 2004.
Below is a list of some of the worst; their crimes, and the punishment to be handed out to the electorate where applicable. It’s not just the politicians that are guilty. All the below are currently deputies.
1. Michael Lowry
Register your displeasure at:
Lowry, Michael (Other) (Technical Group)
Ó Labhraí, Micheál
Abbey Road, Thurles, Co. Tipperary
Also guilty of collusion: People of Tipperary (North Riding)
Crime: Grand Larceny
Well publicized he took a barrel load of money off Ben Dunne and built an extension to his house with it, completely undeclared of course. When questioned about it he said "[the extension] was not designed by me as a tax evasion measure ... If someone was trying to hide income, would they not be more likely to put it in, say, an offshore account?" This is interesting because after availing of the 1993 tax amnesty, he reported in 1996 "that some of my tax obligations are still outstanding." Just before he said this he had opened an offshore account, bringing his total number of [known] offshore accounts to three. When Lowry went back to the polls, the people of Tipperary voted him straight back in number one. Stupid bastards.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence:
Lowry got removed from the Fianna Gael party, and had to settle his bill. While I don’t think he should be allowed hold public office, unfortunately there is no law against it. The real villains of this piece are the stupid, stupid people of Tipperary North Riding. I propose that Tipp North is given no public funding from the rest of the country and must foot the bill for all their own hospitals, roads and amenities from local tax collected. They have effectively sanctioned tax fraud, they should have to live with it.
2. Emmet Stagg
Vent your bile to:
Stagg, Emmet (Labour Party)
Lodge Park, Straffan, Co. Kildare
Collaborators: People of Kildare (North)
Crime: Soliciting prostitutes
In 1994, Stagg was picked up in the phoenix park by the Gardai soliciting a prostitute. While researching this I came across a wealth of ill-informed comment. Mostly the arguments ran along two lines, one that homosexuality is not a crime. Absolutely! This is not an argument about homosexuality; yes, the prostitute was a man, but the operative word here is prostitute.
Second, that we are not moral guardians, one’s sexuality is not a matter for public discussion, look at Bill Clinton etc. Yes, again I agree with all of this, but it is, of course, completely irrelevant. Prostitution is still illegal.
The press dropped this story, Stagg did not resign, and he sailed back into office courtesy of the people of Kildare north.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence:
I took a while coming up with a guilty verdict for this. The real problem I have is that Stagg did not resign from office (Labour were incumbent at the time), I think it shows a lack of character. Prostitution to be legalized for the people of north Kildare.
3. Beverley Cooper-Flynn
Make your views known to:
Cooper-Flynn, Beverley (Fianna Fáil)
Ní Fhloinn, Beverley
2 The Manor Village, Westport Road, Castlebar, Co. Mayo
Seen fraternizing with: People of Mayo
Crime: Supporting Tax evasion
Ms. Cooper-Flynn took a case against RTE for defamation of character. RTE claimed in a report that Cooper-Flynn had knowingly given advice to a 69 old farmer James Howard on how to avoid paying tax; she said she did no such thing. It was, and still is to this day, the biggest case of its kind ever seen in the state. The libel action failed, Cooper-Flynn left with staggering legal costs. Interestingly, RTE disproved libel not by the evidence provided by James Howard, who Beverley consistently claimed she never met, but by three other witnesses, all self confessed tax evaders. Perhaps Beverley is not all at fault, maybe it was the way she was brought up. Her father Pádraig (you may have seen his comedy act on the Late Late show), took £50,000 from a property developer Tom Gilmartin, half of which was invested offshore on the advice of his daughter. The Flynns signed a declaration giving a false London address in order to avoid DIRT tax at a time when both were tax resident in Ireland. The Taoiseach still has big hugs for them both.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence:
Mayo to be setup as a tax haven, golf courses a-plenty and the Westies and drug barons can come back from Alicante to take up residence. It will become the new Monaco. All public services to be removed, people required to have passports to travel to and from Mayo. All citizens to be issued the new Mayo dollar at an exchange rate of €1 : MO$.00001
4. Jackie Healy Rae
Letters of the displeased to:
Healy-Rae, Jackie (Other)
Ó Healaigh, Seán
Main Street, Kilgarvan, Co. Kerry
Quislings: People of Kerry South
Crime: Shameless profiteering at the expense of the rest of the country.
Every time this man opens his mouth it is a complete travesty. He has no concept of the big picture. The [weak] government needed his vote to stay in power, and pandered to his every whim.
Here are the lowlights:
1) His vigorous lobbying resulted in Kerry and Clare being included in Ireland's poorest regions, a move which jeopardised the country's application for EU funding.
2) Shows complete and utter comtempt for the countries planning regulations, on at least two separate occasions, the marina being the most recent example “[the marina] was constructed 'a few feet' too close to the road than was allowed for in the planning permission”
3) Instilled the same morally bankrupt views in his son Michael, known as “Dolly” because he is a clone of his Dad, now a politician too.
4) Both father and son are isolationist racists. “Ireland for the Irish” and “85pc of asylum seekers arriving here were not genuine refugees” are two choice quotes.
Verdict: Guilty, released on own reconnaissance
Sentence:
No actual crime has been committed, so leniency is required. Every asylum seeker who comes to Ireland to be housed in Kerry. Planning regulations to be abandoned completely in south Kerry, build where you want, when you want. The Irish Tourist board ordered no longer to take an interest in Kerry. Fungie the dolphin to be re-homed in Clare. South Kerry forced to pay majority of Ireland’s cut when aid for the ten new EU states is required.
5. Martin Ferris
Your unified disgust (Bearla or Gaeilge) to:
Ferris, Martin (Sinn Féin) ((Technical Group)
No. 2 Moyderwell, Tralee, Co. Kerry
The fifth column: People of Kerry North
Crime: Deputy Martin Ferris calls for the release of the killers of Detective Garda Gerry McCabe.
Detective Garda Gerry McCabe was gunned down in a botched post office raid in Adare in 1996. The killers fled to Kerry, sparking a massive manhunt. There are also Kerry links with the Don Tidey kidnap case in 1983. It cannot be a surprise to anyone that Martin Ferris got elected a TD in Kerry
In relation to the above, Mr Ferris called for an amnesty for all republican prisoners. When asked if this included capital murderers, Mr Ferris replied: "There will be no settlement until all republican prisoners are released. All republican prisoners. That includes everyone."
He was then asked "does this include those on remand facing capital murder charges?". Mr Ferris replied: "There will be no settlement while any republicans remain in jail. Including those on remand."
Contrary any rational person’s sensibilities, he and his fellow deputies posed for a photograph with the killers of Garda McCabe in Castlerea prison.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence:
Removal of all the Gardai from Kerry North, they cannot be expect to work somewhere where getting shot while working is endorsed. All Post offices to be shut down in North Kerry. Retired Kidnapper Danny Morrison Sinn Fein’s “publicist,” to be appointed chief justice for North Kerry, a role he is allegedly familiar with.
6. GV Wright
Courier your letter of distaste to:
Wright, G. V. (Fianna Fáil)
Mac an tSaoir, Tomás
Leinster House, Kildare Street, Dublin 2
Turncoats: People of Dublin North
Crime: Drink Driving, GBH
One night late last year, minister GV Wright left the Dail, got into his car, drove through town and hit a pedestrian. He was breathalysed and was over the limit. The woman he hit had her right leg broken in four places. GV Wright, stand up fella that he is, refused to compromise himself by apologizing to the woman he hit, the Taoiseach to his credit, did. Eventually in a prepared statement, he apologized. He got fined €900 and banned from driving for two years. Oddly, he got quite emotional while apologizing to his party colleagues. Crocodile tears?
Wright is obviously a fan of the Dáil bar; allegedly he was given £2,000 cash in there in 1993 wrapped in a newspaper, sure that’s something to drink about alright!
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence:
It remains to be seen if GV will be voted back in, so I am avoiding punitive penalties against the people of Dublin North. There will probably be a civil action taken against TD Wright by his victim, the world awaits. If the electorate vote him back in, the removal of driving licences and automobiles from the residents of Dublin north will be necessary.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Hey,
I've met up Kieran each evening I've been here (and will this evening and tomorrow as well) and am happy to report that he's in good form.
He hasnt changed much at all (maybe his tan is a little better and he speaks vietnamese) but apart from that nothing.
He teaches english here and I suspect is delighted that a class full of adults all call him Mr Kieran. Rumours of a lady friend can be confirmed. A lovely japanese girl, Hiromi, who wants to bring him home to see the folks. ahhhhh!
Rest assured he can have no second thoughts about jacking in ILIM.
Michael
I've met up Kieran each evening I've been here (and will this evening and tomorrow as well) and am happy to report that he's in good form.
He hasnt changed much at all (maybe his tan is a little better and he speaks vietnamese) but apart from that nothing.
He teaches english here and I suspect is delighted that a class full of adults all call him Mr Kieran. Rumours of a lady friend can be confirmed. A lovely japanese girl, Hiromi, who wants to bring him home to see the folks. ahhhhh!
Rest assured he can have no second thoughts about jacking in ILIM.
Michael
Sunday, March 14, 2004
Hey,
Finally left Phnom Penh, after 6 nights. Sad to leave it behind. Would/Will certainly go back ...
Arrived in Saigon and all is quite Vietnamese.
We're staying in another classy $4/night establishment.
I'm in a strange far away city .. so how should I sample the local culture?
Oh yes I'm off to find the Manchester Derby somewhere. Its a fair bet I wont have to walk too far.
Michael
Finally left Phnom Penh, after 6 nights. Sad to leave it behind. Would/Will certainly go back ...
Arrived in Saigon and all is quite Vietnamese.
We're staying in another classy $4/night establishment.
I'm in a strange far away city .. so how should I sample the local culture?
Oh yes I'm off to find the Manchester Derby somewhere. Its a fair bet I wont have to walk too far.
Michael
Friday, March 12, 2004
Hey,
Decided to forgoe the proper shower option when i arrived in Phnom Penh and instead am staying in a classy $4/night guesthouse. Its actually fabulous... and I'll probably extend my stay my a couple of days in Phnom Penh ...
Maybe I'll wash when I get to Saigon ... :)
Oh and the Khmer ladies .... Oh my god!
Anyhoo ...
Michael
Decided to forgoe the proper shower option when i arrived in Phnom Penh and instead am staying in a classy $4/night guesthouse. Its actually fabulous... and I'll probably extend my stay my a couple of days in Phnom Penh ...
Maybe I'll wash when I get to Saigon ... :)
Oh and the Khmer ladies .... Oh my god!
Anyhoo ...
Michael
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
Travel Babble - One Liners
7th March
-----------------------------------------
Today I'm officially sporting a 5 O Clock shadow. Which would be fine I I lived on Jupiter and the days where 3 weeks long. I haven't shaved since wednesday.
-----------------------------------------
I'm pretty sure that I'm Frostie the Snowman. Today in the country side families were amazed at how white I was. They all wanted to know how much snow we got each year, and what the skiing was like.
-----------------------------------------
Today I saw cows so thin I'm sure you couldnt get a single steak off them. There was fields of them. Makes me wonder where my beef is coming from.
-----------------------------------------
I figure about 10% of Travellers/Tourists here are native english language speakers. Japs and a variety of other Euros make up the bulk.
My swedish is coming along wonderfully.
-----------------------------------------
Cambodian people sit like babies. I think maybe its something that Sharon said to me about how infants sit down on their hunches. Well all the Khmers do exactly that.
Just saying is all ...
-----------------------------------------
I've decided that I like the Cambodian people. (the Khmer ladies are lovely... )
-----------------------------------------
Cambodia can afford to have beer girls (a different girl in every bar for every brand of beer) and have people pick up leaves in a national park. Go Figure.
7th March
-----------------------------------------
Today I'm officially sporting a 5 O Clock shadow. Which would be fine I I lived on Jupiter and the days where 3 weeks long. I haven't shaved since wednesday.
-----------------------------------------
I'm pretty sure that I'm Frostie the Snowman. Today in the country side families were amazed at how white I was. They all wanted to know how much snow we got each year, and what the skiing was like.
-----------------------------------------
Today I saw cows so thin I'm sure you couldnt get a single steak off them. There was fields of them. Makes me wonder where my beef is coming from.
-----------------------------------------
I figure about 10% of Travellers/Tourists here are native english language speakers. Japs and a variety of other Euros make up the bulk.
My swedish is coming along wonderfully.
-----------------------------------------
Cambodian people sit like babies. I think maybe its something that Sharon said to me about how infants sit down on their hunches. Well all the Khmers do exactly that.
Just saying is all ...
-----------------------------------------
I've decided that I like the Cambodian people. (the Khmer ladies are lovely... )
-----------------------------------------
Cambodia can afford to have beer girls (a different girl in every bar for every brand of beer) and have people pick up leaves in a national park. Go Figure.
Travel Babble
7th March
Moto drivers are less drivers I've figured, than more goto guys for everything. So far I've had a variety of motodrivers offer me a selection of
"Where do you want to go?"
"You want Bar?"
"You want food?"
"You want Guesthouse?"
"You want Disco?"
"You want Massage?"
"You want Boom Boom?"
"You want Blowjob?" (I havent figured out yet why this isnt included in
the boomboom category)
So I'm considering coming up with something difficult (maybe the lost arc of the covenant) and seeing if a moto can find it for me. I imagine they'd give it a good try.
7th March
Moto drivers are less drivers I've figured, than more goto guys for everything. So far I've had a variety of motodrivers offer me a selection of
"Where do you want to go?"
"You want Bar?"
"You want food?"
"You want Guesthouse?"
"You want Disco?"
"You want Massage?"
"You want Boom Boom?"
"You want Blowjob?" (I havent figured out yet why this isnt included in
the boomboom category)
So I'm considering coming up with something difficult (maybe the lost arc of the covenant) and seeing if a moto can find it for me. I imagine they'd give it a good try.
Travel Babble
6th March
Wow, Cambodian traffic is pretty hellish. I'm not quite sure yet, but I think there are no rules of the road except where possible drive on the right, unless you'd like to drive on the left
Everything revolves around honking the horn. loud and long if you really mean it. Of course being on the back of a moto bike in Siem Riep Rush hour traffic (yes there really is a rush hour here) is the real nerve tester. Moto Chicken is the order of the day, with drivers missing each other by inches the whole time without seeming to care.
Not to mention my moto driver has good strong glasses, which he insists on only wearing some of the time.
Im holding on like a little girl.
6th March
Wow, Cambodian traffic is pretty hellish. I'm not quite sure yet, but I think there are no rules of the road except where possible drive on the right, unless you'd like to drive on the left
Everything revolves around honking the horn. loud and long if you really mean it. Of course being on the back of a moto bike in Siem Riep Rush hour traffic (yes there really is a rush hour here) is the real nerve tester. Moto Chicken is the order of the day, with drivers missing each other by inches the whole time without seeming to care.
Not to mention my moto driver has good strong glasses, which he insists on only wearing some of the time.
Im holding on like a little girl.
Travel Babble
6th March
Now I know I'm being a bit of a nazi when it comes to taking pictures, only one of anything and preferably with me in it. But Bloody hell some people are beginning to annoy me with the amount a pictures they take.
I've watched someone shoot two rolls of film of a tree and another shoot about 20 minutes of footage of the stucco along a wall. Who the hell will want to look that shit. Sometimes I feel like confiscating their cameras for the good of their relatives back home. I hereby solemnly do promise not to offer to show any of my pictures to anyone
who doesnt ask first.
6th March
Now I know I'm being a bit of a nazi when it comes to taking pictures, only one of anything and preferably with me in it. But Bloody hell some people are beginning to annoy me with the amount a pictures they take.
I've watched someone shoot two rolls of film of a tree and another shoot about 20 minutes of footage of the stucco along a wall. Who the hell will want to look that shit. Sometimes I feel like confiscating their cameras for the good of their relatives back home. I hereby solemnly do promise not to offer to show any of my pictures to anyone
who doesnt ask first.
6th March 2004
Hey,
I've been keeping a travel log of sorts since I left home and my original intention was to blog it as I went. Of Course by now its become so long and windy that I'd spend all day
in cybercafes trying to type it up.
So Instead I offer Travel Babble.
I've done about a week by now and its mostly been good stuff. Bangkok was fine, the hotel was great, the food everywhere is top class. Lots of shiny temples with golden buddhas, lots and lots of people selling lot and lots of crap. Its certainly a place that makes you suspicious of everyone. Everyone wants you for something.
Highlight was probably the Muai thai boxing (including a couple of cracking knockouts)
Left Bangkok for Cambodia via a combination of Taxi/Bus/Tuk-Tuk and Moto Bike. The poipet border crossing is a toilet which I was glad to get through.
I've spent the last two days templing. I have a moto tout who brings me from temple to temple. In the main its been very good. Cambodia is certainly an easier place to get to talk to people and there are loads of solo travellers about the place.
My room is a $8 dump which just about fits the bill. One more day of this and then its
off to Pnomh Penh. Am toying with the idea of treating myself to a proper shower when
I get there
Michael
PS : If the dates one some of these posts look odd, its because thats the dates I wrote
them ( In travel log thingy) , but am only getting to post them now.
Hey,
I've been keeping a travel log of sorts since I left home and my original intention was to blog it as I went. Of Course by now its become so long and windy that I'd spend all day
in cybercafes trying to type it up.
So Instead I offer Travel Babble.
I've done about a week by now and its mostly been good stuff. Bangkok was fine, the hotel was great, the food everywhere is top class. Lots of shiny temples with golden buddhas, lots and lots of people selling lot and lots of crap. Its certainly a place that makes you suspicious of everyone. Everyone wants you for something.
Highlight was probably the Muai thai boxing (including a couple of cracking knockouts)
Left Bangkok for Cambodia via a combination of Taxi/Bus/Tuk-Tuk and Moto Bike. The poipet border crossing is a toilet which I was glad to get through.
I've spent the last two days templing. I have a moto tout who brings me from temple to temple. In the main its been very good. Cambodia is certainly an easier place to get to talk to people and there are loads of solo travellers about the place.
My room is a $8 dump which just about fits the bill. One more day of this and then its
off to Pnomh Penh. Am toying with the idea of treating myself to a proper shower when
I get there
Michael
PS : If the dates one some of these posts look odd, its because thats the dates I wrote
them ( In travel log thingy) , but am only getting to post them now.
Cable Ties
I have decided to get cable. This has been bought about by a number of factors, explained below.
Sinéad and the next door neighbour
Microwave ovens
Peer pressure
New TV
I lost a bet.
Sinéad and the next door neighbour.
We live in an apartment complex, our neighbour is a south African white male, wanted by the police. My wife and he have culture clash, he now only talks to her when he is looking for a glimpse into her world of the surreal. They met one night outside the apartment
SAWMWBTP: Is your TV working?
Sinéad: Yes it always works, we have rabbit ears.
SAWMWBTP: That’s nice. My TV’s not working
Sinéad: We have rabbit ears
SAWMWBTP: Is your cable out?
Sinéad: Rabbit ears, rabbit ears, shut up cat!
At this point my wife puts two fingers to the top of her head and pretends to eat a carrot while south African white male wanted by the police retreats back to his apartment vowing not to ask Sinéad why she is cursing an imaginary cat.
Microwave ovens.
Michael, who posts on this blog, and is the number one on the ‘thou must get cable’ campaign, occasionally has reason to be in my house.
Michael: Still no TV, huh? (Michael uses the words TV and cable interchangeably)
Me: Nope, still in four channel land.
Michael: Grr, Bah, how do you live?
Me: Four channels are fine, they have everything you want
Michael: Except [TV program]
Me: Except that, do want something to eat? I have [food] we can reheat.
Michael: Microwave it.
Me: I don’t have a microwave
Michael (incredulous): How do you eat microwave food?
I since got given a microwave as a wedding present. It’s great. By this microwave logic, cable will be great.
Peer Pressure.
10.30am. Coffee time. Workmates come together and talk about TV. I am a social pariah. Conversation often goes like this:
Workmate 1: I was watching [random smut] on [cable channel] last night
Me: Oh?
Workmate 2: Ha! She’s a he!
Me: Oh?
Workmate 1: It’s a new take on [other random smut] on [other cable channel]
Workmate 2: Yeah! That was smut-tastic
Workmate 1: I love smut
Workmate 2: Cable, smut, smut, cable, yeah!
Me: Oh? I need cable
New TV.
I got a new widescreen 32” Philips TV. The same size as one of the walls in my flat. It looks stupid with rabbit ears, I want clearer reception, it’s not built to display only four channels, it can display hundreds. It calls to me in the night
New TV: Eeeny-Woony-Wa. Come to me, watch me, get cable.
Me: I am weak to your power.
New TV: Eeeny-Woony-Wa.
I lost a bet.
This was with Michael, the only person offended enough by my lack of TV to make a bet about it. He reads a Haruki Murakami book, I get cable. He read the book, I get cable. Everybody should read Murakami, he’s excellent.
How much is cable? Installation €150 for two points, rental €20.38 a month. Their website doesn’t say if this includes VAT, but it obviously doesn’t.
This comes to €277.5756 a year, I imagine NTL round up so €278 + €150 installation = €428 for the first year. I call this “The Simpsons” tax. One I am now willing to pay. I must ring NTL to see if they do a cable/broadband deal.
Welcome to 2004, designed to make you stay at home
I have decided to get cable. This has been bought about by a number of factors, explained below.
Sinéad and the next door neighbour
Microwave ovens
Peer pressure
New TV
I lost a bet.
Sinéad and the next door neighbour.
We live in an apartment complex, our neighbour is a south African white male, wanted by the police. My wife and he have culture clash, he now only talks to her when he is looking for a glimpse into her world of the surreal. They met one night outside the apartment
SAWMWBTP: Is your TV working?
Sinéad: Yes it always works, we have rabbit ears.
SAWMWBTP: That’s nice. My TV’s not working
Sinéad: We have rabbit ears
SAWMWBTP: Is your cable out?
Sinéad: Rabbit ears, rabbit ears, shut up cat!
At this point my wife puts two fingers to the top of her head and pretends to eat a carrot while south African white male wanted by the police retreats back to his apartment vowing not to ask Sinéad why she is cursing an imaginary cat.
Microwave ovens.
Michael, who posts on this blog, and is the number one on the ‘thou must get cable’ campaign, occasionally has reason to be in my house.
Michael: Still no TV, huh? (Michael uses the words TV and cable interchangeably)
Me: Nope, still in four channel land.
Michael: Grr, Bah, how do you live?
Me: Four channels are fine, they have everything you want
Michael: Except [TV program]
Me: Except that, do want something to eat? I have [food] we can reheat.
Michael: Microwave it.
Me: I don’t have a microwave
Michael (incredulous): How do you eat microwave food?
I since got given a microwave as a wedding present. It’s great. By this microwave logic, cable will be great.
Peer Pressure.
10.30am. Coffee time. Workmates come together and talk about TV. I am a social pariah. Conversation often goes like this:
Workmate 1: I was watching [random smut] on [cable channel] last night
Me: Oh?
Workmate 2: Ha! She’s a he!
Me: Oh?
Workmate 1: It’s a new take on [other random smut] on [other cable channel]
Workmate 2: Yeah! That was smut-tastic
Workmate 1: I love smut
Workmate 2: Cable, smut, smut, cable, yeah!
Me: Oh? I need cable
New TV.
I got a new widescreen 32” Philips TV. The same size as one of the walls in my flat. It looks stupid with rabbit ears, I want clearer reception, it’s not built to display only four channels, it can display hundreds. It calls to me in the night
New TV: Eeeny-Woony-Wa. Come to me, watch me, get cable.
Me: I am weak to your power.
New TV: Eeeny-Woony-Wa.
I lost a bet.
This was with Michael, the only person offended enough by my lack of TV to make a bet about it. He reads a Haruki Murakami book, I get cable. He read the book, I get cable. Everybody should read Murakami, he’s excellent.
How much is cable? Installation €150 for two points, rental €20.38 a month. Their website doesn’t say if this includes VAT, but it obviously doesn’t.
This comes to €277.5756 a year, I imagine NTL round up so €278 + €150 installation = €428 for the first year. I call this “The Simpsons” tax. One I am now willing to pay. I must ring NTL to see if they do a cable/broadband deal.
Welcome to 2004, designed to make you stay at home
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Prime things you may not know about me
If you convert the letters in my name to numbers you get 151.
I am the 5th child in my family
On the 18th September this year, I’ll be 29. This is in 199 days.
I first kissed a girl age 13. She turned up again as the next door neighbour of a girl I met in college
I was married on the 5th June 2003, to a different girl.
I live approximately 7 miles from work
My shoe size in Mexico would be a 7.
Today, I have been working in my current employment for 3 years
My primary responsibility is looking after server number 101
I have €797 outstanding on my credit card.
This is the 11th and last item on this moronic list.
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