Cable Ties

I have decided to get cable. This has been bought about by a number of factors, explained below.

Sinéad and the next door neighbour
Microwave ovens
Peer pressure
New TV
I lost a bet.

Sinéad and the next door neighbour.
We live in an apartment complex, our neighbour is a south African white male, wanted by the police. My wife and he have culture clash, he now only talks to her when he is looking for a glimpse into her world of the surreal. They met one night outside the apartment

SAWMWBTP: Is your TV working?
Sinéad: Yes it always works, we have rabbit ears.
SAWMWBTP: That’s nice. My TV’s not working
Sinéad: We have rabbit ears
SAWMWBTP: Is your cable out?
Sinéad: Rabbit ears, rabbit ears, shut up cat!

At this point my wife puts two fingers to the top of her head and pretends to eat a carrot while south African white male wanted by the police retreats back to his apartment vowing not to ask Sinéad why she is cursing an imaginary cat.

Microwave ovens.
Michael, who posts on this blog, and is the number one on the ‘thou must get cable’ campaign, occasionally has reason to be in my house.

Michael: Still no TV, huh? (Michael uses the words TV and cable interchangeably)
Me: Nope, still in four channel land.
Michael: Grr, Bah, how do you live?
Me: Four channels are fine, they have everything you want
Michael: Except [TV program]
Me: Except that, do want something to eat? I have [food] we can reheat.
Michael: Microwave it.
Me: I don’t have a microwave
Michael (incredulous): How do you eat microwave food?

I since got given a microwave as a wedding present. It’s great. By this microwave logic, cable will be great.

Peer Pressure.
10.30am. Coffee time. Workmates come together and talk about TV. I am a social pariah. Conversation often goes like this:

Workmate 1: I was watching [random smut] on [cable channel] last night
Me: Oh?
Workmate 2: Ha! She’s a he!
Me: Oh?
Workmate 1: It’s a new take on [other random smut] on [other cable channel]
Workmate 2: Yeah! That was smut-tastic
Workmate 1: I love smut
Workmate 2: Cable, smut, smut, cable, yeah!
Me: Oh? I need cable

New TV.
I got a new widescreen 32” Philips TV. The same size as one of the walls in my flat. It looks stupid with rabbit ears, I want clearer reception, it’s not built to display only four channels, it can display hundreds. It calls to me in the night

New TV: Eeeny-Woony-Wa. Come to me, watch me, get cable.
Me: I am weak to your power.
New TV: Eeeny-Woony-Wa.

I lost a bet.
This was with Michael, the only person offended enough by my lack of TV to make a bet about it. He reads a Haruki Murakami book, I get cable. He read the book, I get cable. Everybody should read Murakami, he’s excellent.

How much is cable? Installation €150 for two points, rental €20.38 a month. Their website doesn’t say if this includes VAT, but it obviously doesn’t.

This comes to €277.5756 a year, I imagine NTL round up so €278 + €150 installation = €428 for the first year. I call this “The Simpsons” tax. One I am now willing to pay. I must ring NTL to see if they do a cable/broadband deal.

Welcome to 2004, designed to make you stay at home