Friday, April 30, 2004
Monday, April 26, 2004
Belly Top Licensing Authority
Due to the unsuitable wearing of belly tops it has become necessary to set up a regulatory body. Forms must be completed and returned before a license can be granted; all people currently wearing belly tops without a license must cease and desist.
Application forms can be downloaded here : BTLA – Application Forms
Due to the unsuitable wearing of belly tops it has become necessary to set up a regulatory body. Forms must be completed and returned before a license can be granted; all people currently wearing belly tops without a license must cease and desist.
Application forms can be downloaded here : BTLA – Application Forms
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Alternative Therapies I – The Massage
Last night I had a massage. Having never had one before I was a tad apprehensive. Sinéad (my long suffering wife) booked it for me because I have been complaining of pains in my back; my masseuse was to be a work colleague/friend of hers.
During the day I talked to some of the guys in the office about it. Niall, a little to my surprise, seemed to be the best informed about it. He told me that my biggest problem was going to be unwanted wood. This (God’s truth) was not a problem that I had considered, and left me hoping that my masseuse was ugly. Sinéad, unfortunately, had already described her as “tall, willowy and good looking.” The omens were bad. I decided to relay my concerns to Sinéad in the car on the way out.
Me: I was talking to Niall today about the massage
Sinéad: Oh?
Me: Yeah, he said the biggest problem was going to be unwanted wood
Sinéad: Don’t you dare! I have to work with this woman
Me: Maybe I can tell her I have a priapism?
Sinéad (snorts! actually snorts!): I wish!
Me: What should I do?
Sinéad (quite surreally): Think about Margaret Thatcher naked, I’ll yell it in the door.
Me: Should I have an escape word?
Or at least the conversation sort of went like that. So we ended up at the masseuse’s house, me under no allusion that I was going to get castrated if I inappropriately pitched a tent. It turns out as Sin predicted the masseuse wasn’t ugly at all. Quite the opposite. Strike one against me. We sat around chatting for a while until it was massage time, I knew this when I ordered the therapy room: “Get in there and strip.” Eek! Strike two.
The Massage (& Reiki Healing) for those that are interested is great. You strip down (leaving your shorts on guys) and get massaged. Your masseuse (or masseur) will be the soul of discretion and not mention your far too hairy back. Presumably some folk just lie there and say nothing; me, I’m more of a talker. Mostly talked about floation tanks and other people. Very relaxing. Your muscles get very warm with energy transference, and your mind wanders. After the massage follows a brief period of Reiki to remove negative energy from your chakras. To complete this process, the time comes to turn over. This is what I was warned about, and what you’re waiting for…
Did I have wood? Sorry all. I am the model of self control.
The session ended, I did and do feel great. When Sinéad and I left, the time came to pay.
Me: “How much is it?”
Masseuse:”€100, no wait, €150, I swallowed”
My jaw hit the floor. Strike three. Ding! I’m out of there.
Last night I had a massage. Having never had one before I was a tad apprehensive. Sinéad (my long suffering wife) booked it for me because I have been complaining of pains in my back; my masseuse was to be a work colleague/friend of hers.
During the day I talked to some of the guys in the office about it. Niall, a little to my surprise, seemed to be the best informed about it. He told me that my biggest problem was going to be unwanted wood. This (God’s truth) was not a problem that I had considered, and left me hoping that my masseuse was ugly. Sinéad, unfortunately, had already described her as “tall, willowy and good looking.” The omens were bad. I decided to relay my concerns to Sinéad in the car on the way out.
Me: I was talking to Niall today about the massage
Sinéad: Oh?
Me: Yeah, he said the biggest problem was going to be unwanted wood
Sinéad: Don’t you dare! I have to work with this woman
Me: Maybe I can tell her I have a priapism?
Sinéad (snorts! actually snorts!): I wish!
Me: What should I do?
Sinéad (quite surreally): Think about Margaret Thatcher naked, I’ll yell it in the door.
Me: Should I have an escape word?
Or at least the conversation sort of went like that. So we ended up at the masseuse’s house, me under no allusion that I was going to get castrated if I inappropriately pitched a tent. It turns out as Sin predicted the masseuse wasn’t ugly at all. Quite the opposite. Strike one against me. We sat around chatting for a while until it was massage time, I knew this when I ordered the therapy room: “Get in there and strip.” Eek! Strike two.
The Massage (& Reiki Healing) for those that are interested is great. You strip down (leaving your shorts on guys) and get massaged. Your masseuse (or masseur) will be the soul of discretion and not mention your far too hairy back. Presumably some folk just lie there and say nothing; me, I’m more of a talker. Mostly talked about floation tanks and other people. Very relaxing. Your muscles get very warm with energy transference, and your mind wanders. After the massage follows a brief period of Reiki to remove negative energy from your chakras. To complete this process, the time comes to turn over. This is what I was warned about, and what you’re waiting for…
Did I have wood? Sorry all. I am the model of self control.
The session ended, I did and do feel great. When Sinéad and I left, the time came to pay.
Me: “How much is it?”
Masseuse:”€100, no wait, €150, I swallowed”
My jaw hit the floor. Strike three. Ding! I’m out of there.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Fasten your seatbelts
The Guardian wrote an interesting article about a website that I read occasionally. Obviously the product of either a bona-fide nut-job, or someone that is alarmingly and knowingly sane, the rapture index attempts to give an indicator of what state the world is in, and asks are we [The World] rapture ready? This site has had a link to it for as long as we have been running, and I have been reading it longer.
What always struck me about the site, other then the absolute insanity of it, was its American bias. It is scathing about the rest of the world, ironically (in my opinion) pointing toward non-American countries being harbingers of the end of the world. Perhaps the author dismisses America because it is not mentioned in the bible (no, really it's not in the bible - check if you don't believe me), and heaven forbid that you may find a metaphor in the good book (again, no really, Heaven forbids it). Besides, America didn't exist before 1492, when God made it to keep Columbus occupied, and give bored Europeans something to do with their Sundays.
So I have decided to take a snapshot of the world as of today, to present to you “The Irish with a hint of European Rapture Index.” This will of course end me up on an ashen heap with boils on my feet while bible belt Americans are riding around on my camels carousing with my daughters; but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Explanations of categories can be found at the original rapture site here
01 Occult
Plenty of ads on TV for Tarot and psychics. Seem to adopting SMS technology for huge profit
05 Inflation
Euro caused massive inflation. Irish shopkeepers sniff bonanza
11 Leadership
Idiots content to live with blatantly corrupt leaders
17 Crime rate
102 year old man burgled 12 times. 75 year old daughter threatened
19 Globalism
Starbucks buying Bewleys; Fear of better coffee
21 Anti-Semitism
Sure that it exists alright. Can’t rightly form an opinion for fear of Mossad
22 Israel
Plain fucking nuts. Please don’t hurt me.
26 Nuclear Nations
America and North Korea to name but two. Ugh.
27 Global Turmoil
Yes. Lots.
28 Arms Proliferation
Sell them the arms, then beat them to death with them. That’s you George and Tony.
34 The Antichrist
I’ll love him and hug him and call him George.
39 Civil Rights
Voluntary removal of rights in US post 9/11
44 Food Supply
65% of Americans overweight. Obesity becoming a problem in China. More children overweight. Too much supply in the west, no supply in Africa.
The Guardian wrote an interesting article about a website that I read occasionally. Obviously the product of either a bona-fide nut-job, or someone that is alarmingly and knowingly sane, the rapture index attempts to give an indicator of what state the world is in, and asks are we [The World] rapture ready? This site has had a link to it for as long as we have been running, and I have been reading it longer.
What always struck me about the site, other then the absolute insanity of it, was its American bias. It is scathing about the rest of the world, ironically (in my opinion) pointing toward non-American countries being harbingers of the end of the world. Perhaps the author dismisses America because it is not mentioned in the bible (no, really it's not in the bible - check if you don't believe me), and heaven forbid that you may find a metaphor in the good book (again, no really, Heaven forbids it). Besides, America didn't exist before 1492, when God made it to keep Columbus occupied, and give bored Europeans something to do with their Sundays.
So I have decided to take a snapshot of the world as of today, to present to you “The Irish with a hint of European Rapture Index.” This will of course end me up on an ashen heap with boils on my feet while bible belt Americans are riding around on my camels carousing with my daughters; but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Explanations of categories can be found at the original rapture site here
01 Occult
Plenty of ads on TV for Tarot and psychics. Seem to adopting SMS technology for huge profit
05 Inflation
Euro caused massive inflation. Irish shopkeepers sniff bonanza
11 Leadership
Idiots content to live with blatantly corrupt leaders
17 Crime rate
102 year old man burgled 12 times. 75 year old daughter threatened
19 Globalism
Starbucks buying Bewleys; Fear of better coffee
21 Anti-Semitism
Sure that it exists alright. Can’t rightly form an opinion for fear of Mossad
22 Israel
Plain fucking nuts. Please don’t hurt me.
26 Nuclear Nations
America and North Korea to name but two. Ugh.
27 Global Turmoil
Yes. Lots.
28 Arms Proliferation
Sell them the arms, then beat them to death with them. That’s you George and Tony.
34 The Antichrist
I’ll love him and hug him and call him George.
39 Civil Rights
Voluntary removal of rights in US post 9/11
44 Food Supply
65% of Americans overweight. Obesity becoming a problem in China. More children overweight. Too much supply in the west, no supply in Africa.
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Injury Report
Cuts and bruises. Falling from Moto Bike while in Siem Riep. Doctors say "Will recover".
2nd degree sunburn in Vietnam. Disgusting scabs covering nine inches around ankle. Limping for 10 days. Doctors say "Ha Ha, Stooopid"
Series of cuts and bruises. Suspect mystery falling down incident while in Alice Springs, cause unknown. Doctors say "Serves you right"
Bloody cut on forehead. Getting smacked on rock while white water rafting. Doctors say "Absense of brain makes any brain damage unlikely"
Cuts and bruises. Falling from Moto Bike while in Siem Riep. Doctors say "Will recover".
2nd degree sunburn in Vietnam. Disgusting scabs covering nine inches around ankle. Limping for 10 days. Doctors say "Ha Ha, Stooopid"
Series of cuts and bruises. Suspect mystery falling down incident while in Alice Springs, cause unknown. Doctors say "Serves you right"
Bloody cut on forehead. Getting smacked on rock while white water rafting. Doctors say "Absense of brain makes any brain damage unlikely"
Fatman becomes Actionman in Cairns
Today I'm doing a bit of nothing after my two previous days of action man stuff.
On Tuesday I did a days whitewater rafting down the tully river which was great fun. About 60 of us were driven the hour and half out of cairns, split up into these little 6 person inflattable rafts, given a guide, a paddle, and taken down the river while hitting as many rocks as possible, and chucking as many people out of the raft as the guide can. Our guide Nick The Prick, was exceptionally good at hitting rocks, and flipping the raft. All Good Fun. I was knackered by the end of it.
So yesterday we went out to the great barrier reef on a boat. The boat was a reasonably sized supercat thingy, but even still, because of the 20-30 knot winds the trip out to the reef was pretty rough. Once we got out there it was a little calmer, but still pretty rough for those guys who were doing the snorkling.
I was doing an Introductory scuba dive, which basically involves being told a load of stuff, fitted with a mask, flippers, and tank and jumping in the water. Well actually there's a dive master for each two intro divers and he/she basically leads us around under water and points all the little fishies. I think maybe we went down about 15 meters, but on the way down visibility is pretty poor, which can make everything seem a little claustrophobic, but once your down a few meters, everything is better, and there really is a huge number of fish going around the place.
After lunch I went down for a second dive, which was much better - mostly because I wasn't such a big girl, where we chased some massive turtle about the place, saw some 5 foot fish I can't remember its name, saw a massive barricuda fishy, and we actually managed to find Nemo in amongst some amazing coral. All in all great fun, but bloody tiring, which is why I'm having a bit of do nothing day today. That and the fact that I'm a lazy cunt.
Today I'm doing a bit of nothing after my two previous days of action man stuff.
On Tuesday I did a days whitewater rafting down the tully river which was great fun. About 60 of us were driven the hour and half out of cairns, split up into these little 6 person inflattable rafts, given a guide, a paddle, and taken down the river while hitting as many rocks as possible, and chucking as many people out of the raft as the guide can. Our guide Nick The Prick, was exceptionally good at hitting rocks, and flipping the raft. All Good Fun. I was knackered by the end of it.
So yesterday we went out to the great barrier reef on a boat. The boat was a reasonably sized supercat thingy, but even still, because of the 20-30 knot winds the trip out to the reef was pretty rough. Once we got out there it was a little calmer, but still pretty rough for those guys who were doing the snorkling.
I was doing an Introductory scuba dive, which basically involves being told a load of stuff, fitted with a mask, flippers, and tank and jumping in the water. Well actually there's a dive master for each two intro divers and he/she basically leads us around under water and points all the little fishies. I think maybe we went down about 15 meters, but on the way down visibility is pretty poor, which can make everything seem a little claustrophobic, but once your down a few meters, everything is better, and there really is a huge number of fish going around the place.
After lunch I went down for a second dive, which was much better - mostly because I wasn't such a big girl, where we chased some massive turtle about the place, saw some 5 foot fish I can't remember its name, saw a massive barricuda fishy, and we actually managed to find Nemo in amongst some amazing coral. All in all great fun, but bloody tiring, which is why I'm having a bit of do nothing day today. That and the fact that I'm a lazy cunt.
Swagging in the Outback
So having left Sydney, I flew to Alice Springs. I'd booked myself onto a 3 day camping thingy around Ayers Rock and beyond. Alice Springs is a one horse town, but the horse has left town. It exists just to support trips out to the rock.
First day there, I have a stroll around town to see whats its like. About 30 minutes later I return back to the hostel. The most (not very for me) amusing incident involved me getting some pictures developed in a little mom and pop camera store and coming back an hour later to collect them, and getting some very strange looks from pop behind the counter. A discussion on the content of the pictures, which have since been ripped up, is not suitable material for a blog.
The first morning the pickup from the hostel was at 5:45. I hadn't quite figured that that would be the latest start for a few days. On both mornings that we were 'out in bush' we got woken at the ungoddly time of 4:30. This is the sort of shit that needs to be done if you want to be up, moan, have breakfast, whinge, pack up camp, moan some more, and drive somewhere to see a sunrise or somesort.
The rocks (Uluru, Olgas, Something Canyon) were all fine, but the whole camping aspect was excellent. A side effect of taking the cheapest tour available is that we were roughing it somewhat.
No shiny tents for us poor buggers. Instead we were swagging it. A swag is a kind of a large canvas sleeping bag into which you put a normal sleeping bag. So it becomes a simple matter of check the ground for ants and snakes, unroll your swag, put your sleeping bag in, and go to sleep. At four in the morning on the first night a splash of rain fell for a few minutes, it was enough to wake me up, make me pull my shoes under my swag, close over the top, and go straight back to sleep. For another crappy 30 minutes before Louise (our Aussie tomboy guide person) wakes us all up by playing 5 from the bus at full volume. In future I've decided not to critique others' music tastes.
Eating was a sort of survival of the fattest. Lunchtime was very similiar to how you might imagine piranha might devour a lump of meat. All the ingrediants for sandwhiches are popped down on a table, 15 people charge the table kicking and screaming, and seconds later all the food is gone. In that time some people (and I'm not saying who) have managed to put together a couple of tasty sambo's brimming with tasty fillings. Other people, usually the lovely scandiavian girls, ended up with a limp lettuce leaf and half a piece of beetroot. All excellent fun.
Dinner time was more a coordinated affair. Louise spends an hour cooking over a hot camp fire. Calls grubs up. Everyone takes a fair share. Once that last person has taken their fill, its pirahna time again.
Allow me take a moment to discuss the walking. Holy Fuckbag!! First day we had a leisurly 9k stroll around Uluru (the climb was closed due to winds), it was probably only a sultry 32 degrees. Second day we had only 8k's around the olgas. And on day 3 it was 6k, but that was up the side of a canyon. I pretty sure I thought I was going to die during the kings canyon walk. I'm pretty sure that if someone did die, the rest of group would some Alive style discussions, before calling pirahna time.
But I don't want to make this sound like no fun. It was a great three days. Part of that comes from feeling like your back in the scouts again. Part of it from the comraderie of a good whinge, but mostly it was because every second stop we made along the road was to buy beer. Lots and Lots and Lots of Beer. Ahhh.
On the day we arrived back to Alice, Louise had arranged that we would all meet up that night, for a spot of food, bowling and beer. The food was lovely. I won the Bowling but I'm pretty sure I lost the beer game. The last thing I remember is playing who can drink the most triple shots of vodka with a doctor from london. I know he pucked into his class, and I was declared winner, but this was only the battle and not the war.
Next thing I know I'm being woken up by a nice Aboriginal lady! No its not what it sounds like. Well maybe it is. "You shouldn't sleep there, mate - its gonna get very hot". "Uhhhh!". I'd managed to enjoy a nice nights sleep on the pavement somewhere. As I stand up, someone from our tour group (who hadn't come out the previous night) walks by. "Where am I?" "There's the YHA just over there". So somehow I got in a taxi, been brought to the YHA, but decided that the last 10 yards was too far to walk??? I honestly don't know. That day I met Dr. Dude, and his mates at the airport, they remembered people having a big discussion about where I was staying, but had no idea what had happened to me .....
Oh well ... its actually wasnt all that uncomfortable, though I do wish I'd had a swag!
So having left Sydney, I flew to Alice Springs. I'd booked myself onto a 3 day camping thingy around Ayers Rock and beyond. Alice Springs is a one horse town, but the horse has left town. It exists just to support trips out to the rock.
First day there, I have a stroll around town to see whats its like. About 30 minutes later I return back to the hostel. The most (not very for me) amusing incident involved me getting some pictures developed in a little mom and pop camera store and coming back an hour later to collect them, and getting some very strange looks from pop behind the counter. A discussion on the content of the pictures, which have since been ripped up, is not suitable material for a blog.
The first morning the pickup from the hostel was at 5:45. I hadn't quite figured that that would be the latest start for a few days. On both mornings that we were 'out in bush' we got woken at the ungoddly time of 4:30. This is the sort of shit that needs to be done if you want to be up, moan, have breakfast, whinge, pack up camp, moan some more, and drive somewhere to see a sunrise or somesort.
The rocks (Uluru, Olgas, Something Canyon) were all fine, but the whole camping aspect was excellent. A side effect of taking the cheapest tour available is that we were roughing it somewhat.
No shiny tents for us poor buggers. Instead we were swagging it. A swag is a kind of a large canvas sleeping bag into which you put a normal sleeping bag. So it becomes a simple matter of check the ground for ants and snakes, unroll your swag, put your sleeping bag in, and go to sleep. At four in the morning on the first night a splash of rain fell for a few minutes, it was enough to wake me up, make me pull my shoes under my swag, close over the top, and go straight back to sleep. For another crappy 30 minutes before Louise (our Aussie tomboy guide person) wakes us all up by playing 5 from the bus at full volume. In future I've decided not to critique others' music tastes.
Eating was a sort of survival of the fattest. Lunchtime was very similiar to how you might imagine piranha might devour a lump of meat. All the ingrediants for sandwhiches are popped down on a table, 15 people charge the table kicking and screaming, and seconds later all the food is gone. In that time some people (and I'm not saying who) have managed to put together a couple of tasty sambo's brimming with tasty fillings. Other people, usually the lovely scandiavian girls, ended up with a limp lettuce leaf and half a piece of beetroot. All excellent fun.
Dinner time was more a coordinated affair. Louise spends an hour cooking over a hot camp fire. Calls grubs up. Everyone takes a fair share. Once that last person has taken their fill, its pirahna time again.
Allow me take a moment to discuss the walking. Holy Fuckbag!! First day we had a leisurly 9k stroll around Uluru (the climb was closed due to winds), it was probably only a sultry 32 degrees. Second day we had only 8k's around the olgas. And on day 3 it was 6k, but that was up the side of a canyon. I pretty sure I thought I was going to die during the kings canyon walk. I'm pretty sure that if someone did die, the rest of group would some Alive style discussions, before calling pirahna time.
But I don't want to make this sound like no fun. It was a great three days. Part of that comes from feeling like your back in the scouts again. Part of it from the comraderie of a good whinge, but mostly it was because every second stop we made along the road was to buy beer. Lots and Lots and Lots of Beer. Ahhh.
On the day we arrived back to Alice, Louise had arranged that we would all meet up that night, for a spot of food, bowling and beer. The food was lovely. I won the Bowling but I'm pretty sure I lost the beer game. The last thing I remember is playing who can drink the most triple shots of vodka with a doctor from london. I know he pucked into his class, and I was declared winner, but this was only the battle and not the war.
Next thing I know I'm being woken up by a nice Aboriginal lady! No its not what it sounds like. Well maybe it is. "You shouldn't sleep there, mate - its gonna get very hot". "Uhhhh!". I'd managed to enjoy a nice nights sleep on the pavement somewhere. As I stand up, someone from our tour group (who hadn't come out the previous night) walks by. "Where am I?" "There's the YHA just over there". So somehow I got in a taxi, been brought to the YHA, but decided that the last 10 yards was too far to walk??? I honestly don't know. That day I met Dr. Dude, and his mates at the airport, they remembered people having a big discussion about where I was staying, but had no idea what had happened to me .....
Oh well ... its actually wasnt all that uncomfortable, though I do wish I'd had a swag!
Thursday, April 01, 2004
Dell Hell. Bitter Memoirs I
I used to work in Dell. Lemme see, I have worked in my current employment for 3 years, before that I worked in another company for 3 years (worthy of its own blog), before that I worked in another company for 6 weeks, and before that I worked in Dell, for about 3 years. That would mean I worked for Dell between 1994 and 1997. I started working in Hell quite naïvely at 19.
Interesting place.
I worked in the part sales department. They tried to get us to call it after market sales, but it always refused the misnomer. Among the really shit jobs in the world, Parts must be in the top 100. In 1994, Pentiums were coming on line, 80MHz processors were really hot stuff. Computers still didn’t ship with CD-roms as standard, and Dell were beginning to realise that Irish people didn’t fit the American business model.
The Dell business model was build to order. You ordered, they ordered from their supplier, built your PC and send it to you. Clean, low cost, efficient model. In America, if you PC was out of warranty and it broke, you threw it out and bought another. In Ireland, if you PC was out of warranty and it broke, you rang Dell and tried to buy a replacement for the bit that broke. Here is where your and my problems began. I am beginning to feel a little ill even thinking about some of the conversations I had; it was easily the most stressful time in my life.
Me: You are through to Dell Part Sales, can I have your tag number please?
Customer: Tag number?
Me: A 5-Digit alpha-numeric code printed on the back of your computer.
Customer: XXXXX
Me: You have a Dell dimension XPS, how can I help you?
Customer: My power switch has stopped working
Me: You need a new power supply
Customer: I only need a switch
Me: It comes as part of the power supply
Customer: How much is a power supply?
Me: I don’t have any
Customer: What?
Me: I don’t have any
Customer: My machine is only a year old, surely it’s still in warranty
Me: Your machine is 13 months old, and out of warranty. I can’t sell a power supply to an out of warranty machine.
Customer: What if I were to buy extended warranty?
Me: If you buy a warranty for an out of warranty machine, you cannot report a problem for three months.
Customer: So, you won’t sell me a power supply, and I cannot get one through warranty for three months
Me: Yep.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Me: I recommend [third party company] who can recondition your power supply.
Customer: Do Dell recommend this company?
Me: Nope. [Third party company] are not affiliated with Dell
Customer: So Dell cannot supply a switch for a thirteen month old machine, and tell me to call [third part company] who may or may not be able to help me.
Me: Yep.
Customer: Do you think this is acceptable?
Me: I don’t really have anything to do with it.
Customer: You work for Dell.
Me: [long winded explanation on why Dell don’t have any parts to sell]
Customer: Why is there a part sales department?
What I wanted to say: Dell tried on a number of occasions to shut down part sales, but couldn’t. It remains a place where 8 people sit, 7 serving the UK, 1 serving Ireland. We sit here as an abuse front line, farming off calls to third party companies. I take 80 – 120 phone calls like this a day. You’re basically fucked. Do what to be transferred to sales, or customer service, or anywhere away from my phone? Do you really think I can do one single thing to help you?
What I did say: I’ll see what I can do for you, can I take you number?
What I’d say now: I can’t help you. Sorry. Renew your warranty.
I recently had cause to ring Dell. A users machine shipped with a DVD instead of a DVD/CDRW combo. He’d had the laptop for over a year before he’d noticed.
Time 3:30 Phase 1
Dell Call Management Group: You’re through to Dell how can I help you?
Me: Technical support please*
*I know the process – ring tech, get the fault confirmed, get transferred to customer care
Dell Tech CMG: Can I have your Tag number please it’s a 5 or 7 (two digits more since my day) number on the back of your machine
Me: Tag
French Dell Tech: You arre through to Dell Tech-ni-cal Supporte can I ‘ave your Tag please
Me: Tag
French Dell Tech: And what is your probleme?
Me: This laptop shipped with the wrong DVD drive
French Dell Tech: But this is what is on zee ordair?
Me: Not on the order we sent
French Dell Tech: Ah! But this is a probleme with I cannot ‘elp you. The order says a DVD
Me: Ok! Can you transfer me to customer care*
*This was mistake one, I should have got him to update the details that the laptop did indeed just have a DVD drive
French Dell Tech: Zat is not possible, I can give you zer number, but not transfer you.
Me: Ok.
Got Number, hung up dialled back
Time 3:45 Phase II
Dell CMG: You’re through to Dell how can I help you?
Me: Customer care please
Dell Tech CMG: Can I have your Tag number please it’s a 5 or 7 number on the back of your machine
Me: I’m actually looking for customer care
Dell CMG: You’re through to Dell how can I help you?
Me: Customer care please
Hold for 5 minutes
Indian Dell Customer Care rep:: Dell customer care how can I be helping you?
Me: This laptop shipped with the wrong DVD drive*
*Second mistake, should have said I came from tech.
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: You need to confirm this with technical support [click]
Dell Tech CMG: Can I have your Tag number please it’s a 5 or 7 number on the back of your machine
Me: I’m actually looking for customer care
Dell CMG: You’re through to Dell how can I help you?
Me: Customer care please
Hold for 5 minutes
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: Dell customer care how can I have your Tag number please?
Me: Tag
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: How I can be helping you?
Me: I’ve come from technical support, This laptop shipped with the wrong DVD drive
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: The order says it only shipped with a DVD drive
Me: I know, your systems wrong
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: I’ll just have transfer you the “corporate” customer care*
*Third mistake, in my time there was no such thing. I am pretty sure that there is no such thing now either
Time 4:25 Phase III
Hold for 10 minutes
English Customer Care rep: You’re through to UK customer care, can I have your Tag number please?
Me: Tag
English Customer Care rep: This is an Irish tag.
Me: I know, I got transferred here
English Customer Care rep: Well, you are through to the wrong place.
Me: I know. I used to work in Dell you know.
English Customer Care rep: I am going to have to transfer you
Me: I know. No change in the six years since I left.
English Customer Care rep: Sorry, there is nothing I can do [click]
Time 4:45 Phase IV
Hold for 25 minutes
At this stage I hang up. I know that this is cheating, but the experiment has gone on long enough. I ring my account manager, which I could have done in the first place.
Time 5:10 Final Phase
Me: Hi, I’ve trying to get something resolved
Account Manager: What?
Me: Laptop, Drive, Blah.
Account Manager: I’ll get that sorted, send me a mail
Me: Do you know I worked in Dell 9 years ago and the service is still as shit know as it was then?
Account Manager (not biting): Send me a mail and I’ll get it sorted.
That was Monday. Still no word. Warms my heart to nothing has changed. No need for anger, its just the way it is.
I used to work in Dell. Lemme see, I have worked in my current employment for 3 years, before that I worked in another company for 3 years (worthy of its own blog), before that I worked in another company for 6 weeks, and before that I worked in Dell, for about 3 years. That would mean I worked for Dell between 1994 and 1997. I started working in Hell quite naïvely at 19.
Interesting place.
I worked in the part sales department. They tried to get us to call it after market sales, but it always refused the misnomer. Among the really shit jobs in the world, Parts must be in the top 100. In 1994, Pentiums were coming on line, 80MHz processors were really hot stuff. Computers still didn’t ship with CD-roms as standard, and Dell were beginning to realise that Irish people didn’t fit the American business model.
The Dell business model was build to order. You ordered, they ordered from their supplier, built your PC and send it to you. Clean, low cost, efficient model. In America, if you PC was out of warranty and it broke, you threw it out and bought another. In Ireland, if you PC was out of warranty and it broke, you rang Dell and tried to buy a replacement for the bit that broke. Here is where your and my problems began. I am beginning to feel a little ill even thinking about some of the conversations I had; it was easily the most stressful time in my life.
Me: You are through to Dell Part Sales, can I have your tag number please?
Customer: Tag number?
Me: A 5-Digit alpha-numeric code printed on the back of your computer.
Customer: XXXXX
Me: You have a Dell dimension XPS, how can I help you?
Customer: My power switch has stopped working
Me: You need a new power supply
Customer: I only need a switch
Me: It comes as part of the power supply
Customer: How much is a power supply?
Me: I don’t have any
Customer: What?
Me: I don’t have any
Customer: My machine is only a year old, surely it’s still in warranty
Me: Your machine is 13 months old, and out of warranty. I can’t sell a power supply to an out of warranty machine.
Customer: What if I were to buy extended warranty?
Me: If you buy a warranty for an out of warranty machine, you cannot report a problem for three months.
Customer: So, you won’t sell me a power supply, and I cannot get one through warranty for three months
Me: Yep.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Me: I recommend [third party company] who can recondition your power supply.
Customer: Do Dell recommend this company?
Me: Nope. [Third party company] are not affiliated with Dell
Customer: So Dell cannot supply a switch for a thirteen month old machine, and tell me to call [third part company] who may or may not be able to help me.
Me: Yep.
Customer: Do you think this is acceptable?
Me: I don’t really have anything to do with it.
Customer: You work for Dell.
Me: [long winded explanation on why Dell don’t have any parts to sell]
Customer: Why is there a part sales department?
What I wanted to say: Dell tried on a number of occasions to shut down part sales, but couldn’t. It remains a place where 8 people sit, 7 serving the UK, 1 serving Ireland. We sit here as an abuse front line, farming off calls to third party companies. I take 80 – 120 phone calls like this a day. You’re basically fucked. Do what to be transferred to sales, or customer service, or anywhere away from my phone? Do you really think I can do one single thing to help you?
What I did say: I’ll see what I can do for you, can I take you number?
What I’d say now: I can’t help you. Sorry. Renew your warranty.
I recently had cause to ring Dell. A users machine shipped with a DVD instead of a DVD/CDRW combo. He’d had the laptop for over a year before he’d noticed.
Time 3:30 Phase 1
Dell Call Management Group: You’re through to Dell how can I help you?
Me: Technical support please*
*I know the process – ring tech, get the fault confirmed, get transferred to customer care
Dell Tech CMG: Can I have your Tag number please it’s a 5 or 7 (two digits more since my day) number on the back of your machine
Me: Tag
French Dell Tech: You arre through to Dell Tech-ni-cal Supporte can I ‘ave your Tag please
Me: Tag
French Dell Tech: And what is your probleme?
Me: This laptop shipped with the wrong DVD drive
French Dell Tech: But this is what is on zee ordair?
Me: Not on the order we sent
French Dell Tech: Ah! But this is a probleme with I cannot ‘elp you. The order says a DVD
Me: Ok! Can you transfer me to customer care*
*This was mistake one, I should have got him to update the details that the laptop did indeed just have a DVD drive
French Dell Tech: Zat is not possible, I can give you zer number, but not transfer you.
Me: Ok.
Got Number, hung up dialled back
Time 3:45 Phase II
Dell CMG: You’re through to Dell how can I help you?
Me: Customer care please
Dell Tech CMG: Can I have your Tag number please it’s a 5 or 7 number on the back of your machine
Me: I’m actually looking for customer care
Dell CMG: You’re through to Dell how can I help you?
Me: Customer care please
Hold for 5 minutes
Indian Dell Customer Care rep:: Dell customer care how can I be helping you?
Me: This laptop shipped with the wrong DVD drive*
*Second mistake, should have said I came from tech.
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: You need to confirm this with technical support [click]
Dell Tech CMG: Can I have your Tag number please it’s a 5 or 7 number on the back of your machine
Me: I’m actually looking for customer care
Dell CMG: You’re through to Dell how can I help you?
Me: Customer care please
Hold for 5 minutes
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: Dell customer care how can I have your Tag number please?
Me: Tag
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: How I can be helping you?
Me: I’ve come from technical support, This laptop shipped with the wrong DVD drive
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: The order says it only shipped with a DVD drive
Me: I know, your systems wrong
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: I’ll just have transfer you the “corporate” customer care*
*Third mistake, in my time there was no such thing. I am pretty sure that there is no such thing now either
Time 4:25 Phase III
Hold for 10 minutes
English Customer Care rep: You’re through to UK customer care, can I have your Tag number please?
Me: Tag
English Customer Care rep: This is an Irish tag.
Me: I know, I got transferred here
English Customer Care rep: Well, you are through to the wrong place.
Me: I know. I used to work in Dell you know.
English Customer Care rep: I am going to have to transfer you
Me: I know. No change in the six years since I left.
English Customer Care rep: Sorry, there is nothing I can do [click]
Time 4:45 Phase IV
Hold for 25 minutes
At this stage I hang up. I know that this is cheating, but the experiment has gone on long enough. I ring my account manager, which I could have done in the first place.
Time 5:10 Final Phase
Me: Hi, I’ve trying to get something resolved
Account Manager: What?
Me: Laptop, Drive, Blah.
Account Manager: I’ll get that sorted, send me a mail
Me: Do you know I worked in Dell 9 years ago and the service is still as shit know as it was then?
Account Manager (not biting): Send me a mail and I’ll get it sorted.
That was Monday. Still no word. Warms my heart to nothing has changed. No need for anger, its just the way it is.
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