Dell Hell. Bitter Memoirs I

I used to work in Dell. Lemme see, I have worked in my current employment for 3 years, before that I worked in another company for 3 years (worthy of its own blog), before that I worked in another company for 6 weeks, and before that I worked in Dell, for about 3 years. That would mean I worked for Dell between 1994 and 1997. I started working in Hell quite naïvely at 19.

Interesting place.

I worked in the part sales department. They tried to get us to call it after market sales, but it always refused the misnomer. Among the really shit jobs in the world, Parts must be in the top 100. In 1994, Pentiums were coming on line, 80MHz processors were really hot stuff. Computers still didn’t ship with CD-roms as standard, and Dell were beginning to realise that Irish people didn’t fit the American business model.

The Dell business model was build to order. You ordered, they ordered from their supplier, built your PC and send it to you. Clean, low cost, efficient model. In America, if you PC was out of warranty and it broke, you threw it out and bought another. In Ireland, if you PC was out of warranty and it broke, you rang Dell and tried to buy a replacement for the bit that broke. Here is where your and my problems began. I am beginning to feel a little ill even thinking about some of the conversations I had; it was easily the most stressful time in my life.

Me: You are through to Dell Part Sales, can I have your tag number please?
Customer: Tag number?
Me: A 5-Digit alpha-numeric code printed on the back of your computer.
Customer: XXXXX
Me: You have a Dell dimension XPS, how can I help you?
Customer: My power switch has stopped working
Me: You need a new power supply
Customer: I only need a switch
Me: It comes as part of the power supply
Customer: How much is a power supply?
Me: I don’t have any
Customer: What?
Me: I don’t have any
Customer: My machine is only a year old, surely it’s still in warranty
Me: Your machine is 13 months old, and out of warranty. I can’t sell a power supply to an out of warranty machine.
Customer: What if I were to buy extended warranty?
Me: If you buy a warranty for an out of warranty machine, you cannot report a problem for three months.
Customer: So, you won’t sell me a power supply, and I cannot get one through warranty for three months
Me: Yep.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Me: I recommend [third party company] who can recondition your power supply.
Customer: Do Dell recommend this company?
Me: Nope. [Third party company] are not affiliated with Dell
Customer: So Dell cannot supply a switch for a thirteen month old machine, and tell me to call [third part company] who may or may not be able to help me.
Me: Yep.
Customer: Do you think this is acceptable?
Me: I don’t really have anything to do with it.
Customer: You work for Dell.
Me: [long winded explanation on why Dell don’t have any parts to sell]
Customer: Why is there a part sales department?
What I wanted to say: Dell tried on a number of occasions to shut down part sales, but couldn’t. It remains a place where 8 people sit, 7 serving the UK, 1 serving Ireland. We sit here as an abuse front line, farming off calls to third party companies. I take 80 – 120 phone calls like this a day. You’re basically fucked. Do what to be transferred to sales, or customer service, or anywhere away from my phone? Do you really think I can do one single thing to help you?
What I did say: I’ll see what I can do for you, can I take you number?
What I’d say now: I can’t help you. Sorry. Renew your warranty.

I recently had cause to ring Dell. A users machine shipped with a DVD instead of a DVD/CDRW combo. He’d had the laptop for over a year before he’d noticed.

Time 3:30 Phase 1

Dell Call Management Group: You’re through to Dell how can I help you?
Me: Technical support please*

*I know the process – ring tech, get the fault confirmed, get transferred to customer care

Dell Tech CMG: Can I have your Tag number please it’s a 5 or 7 (two digits more since my day) number on the back of your machine
Me: Tag
French Dell Tech: You arre through to Dell Tech-ni-cal Supporte can I ‘ave your Tag please
Me: Tag
French Dell Tech: And what is your probleme?
Me: This laptop shipped with the wrong DVD drive
French Dell Tech: But this is what is on zee ordair?
Me: Not on the order we sent
French Dell Tech: Ah! But this is a probleme with I cannot ‘elp you. The order says a DVD
Me: Ok! Can you transfer me to customer care*

*This was mistake one, I should have got him to update the details that the laptop did indeed just have a DVD drive

French Dell Tech: Zat is not possible, I can give you zer number, but not transfer you.
Me: Ok.

Got Number, hung up dialled back

Time 3:45 Phase II

Dell CMG: You’re through to Dell how can I help you?
Me: Customer care please
Dell Tech CMG: Can I have your Tag number please it’s a 5 or 7 number on the back of your machine
Me: I’m actually looking for customer care
Dell CMG: You’re through to Dell how can I help you?
Me: Customer care please

Hold for 5 minutes

Indian Dell Customer Care rep:: Dell customer care how can I be helping you?
Me: This laptop shipped with the wrong DVD drive*

*Second mistake, should have said I came from tech.

Indian Dell Customer Care rep: You need to confirm this with technical support [click]
Dell Tech CMG: Can I have your Tag number please it’s a 5 or 7 number on the back of your machine
Me: I’m actually looking for customer care
Dell CMG: You’re through to Dell how can I help you?
Me: Customer care please

Hold for 5 minutes

Indian Dell Customer Care rep: Dell customer care how can I have your Tag number please?
Me: Tag
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: How I can be helping you?
Me: I’ve come from technical support, This laptop shipped with the wrong DVD drive
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: The order says it only shipped with a DVD drive
Me: I know, your systems wrong
Indian Dell Customer Care rep: I’ll just have transfer you the “corporate” customer care*

*Third mistake, in my time there was no such thing. I am pretty sure that there is no such thing now either

Time 4:25 Phase III

Hold for 10 minutes

English Customer Care rep: You’re through to UK customer care, can I have your Tag number please?
Me: Tag
English Customer Care rep: This is an Irish tag.
Me: I know, I got transferred here
English Customer Care rep: Well, you are through to the wrong place.
Me: I know. I used to work in Dell you know.
English Customer Care rep: I am going to have to transfer you
Me: I know. No change in the six years since I left.
English Customer Care rep: Sorry, there is nothing I can do [click]

Time 4:45 Phase IV

Hold for 25 minutes

At this stage I hang up. I know that this is cheating, but the experiment has gone on long enough. I ring my account manager, which I could have done in the first place.

Time 5:10 Final Phase

Me: Hi, I’ve trying to get something resolved
Account Manager: What?
Me: Laptop, Drive, Blah.
Account Manager: I’ll get that sorted, send me a mail
Me: Do you know I worked in Dell 9 years ago and the service is still as shit know as it was then?
Account Manager (not biting): Send me a mail and I’ll get it sorted.

That was Monday. Still no word. Warms my heart to nothing has changed. No need for anger, its just the way it is.