Alternative Therapies I – The Massage

Last night I had a massage. Having never had one before I was a tad apprehensive. Sinéad (my long suffering wife) booked it for me because I have been complaining of pains in my back; my masseuse was to be a work colleague/friend of hers.

During the day I talked to some of the guys in the office about it. Niall, a little to my surprise, seemed to be the best informed about it. He told me that my biggest problem was going to be unwanted wood. This (God’s truth) was not a problem that I had considered, and left me hoping that my masseuse was ugly. Sinéad, unfortunately, had already described her as “tall, willowy and good looking.” The omens were bad. I decided to relay my concerns to Sinéad in the car on the way out.

Me: I was talking to Niall today about the massage
Sinéad: Oh?
Me: Yeah, he said the biggest problem was going to be unwanted wood
Sinéad: Don’t you dare! I have to work with this woman
Me: Maybe I can tell her I have a priapism?
Sinéad (snorts! actually snorts!): I wish!
Me: What should I do?
Sinéad (quite surreally): Think about Margaret Thatcher naked, I’ll yell it in the door.
Me: Should I have an escape word?

Or at least the conversation sort of went like that. So we ended up at the masseuse’s house, me under no allusion that I was going to get castrated if I inappropriately pitched a tent. It turns out as Sin predicted the masseuse wasn’t ugly at all. Quite the opposite. Strike one against me. We sat around chatting for a while until it was massage time, I knew this when I ordered the therapy room: “Get in there and strip.” Eek! Strike two.

The Massage (& Reiki Healing) for those that are interested is great. You strip down (leaving your shorts on guys) and get massaged. Your masseuse (or masseur) will be the soul of discretion and not mention your far too hairy back. Presumably some folk just lie there and say nothing; me, I’m more of a talker. Mostly talked about floation tanks and other people. Very relaxing. Your muscles get very warm with energy transference, and your mind wanders. After the massage follows a brief period of Reiki to remove negative energy from your chakras. To complete this process, the time comes to turn over. This is what I was warned about, and what you’re waiting for…

Did I have wood? Sorry all. I am the model of self control.

The session ended, I did and do feel great. When Sinéad and I left, the time came to pay.

Me: “How much is it?”
Masseuse:”€100, no wait, €150, I swallowed”

My jaw hit the floor. Strike three. Ding! I’m out of there.