Taoiseach issues a firm “Ah come on lads!”

Irish premier Bertie Ahern has issued a strong “Ah come on lads!” to the electorate in response to his parties disastrous performance in the Local and European elections.

“Just what do you think you are up to?” He demanded.

“Don’t you know that we are the biggest and best party in the country? Sure, we’ve had a couple of scandals, but we’ve brushed them under the carpet and forgotten about them. Surely it’s only fair that you do the same?”

“Now Sinn Féin have got a chunk of our vote, and good luck to us trying to get that back. I may have to go back onto the fence about going into government with them.”

“It is short-sighted and childish of the electorate not to vote for us, don’t they know that a vote for the opposition is a vote against Fainna Fáil? I even have to turn down the job in Europe, and that’s worth €6 million. Bloody ingrates.”

Gerry Adams of Sinn Féin was in jubilant humour.

“This is not a protest vote.” He lied.

“Sinn Féin are taking the gun out of politics, and are bound by the constitutional framework of this country,” said Adams via satellite feed from Columbia, “we are providing a real alternative, people are tired of parties with more then one policy.”

“We now have a voice in Europe, and God help anyone that stands in our way.”

Mister Adams was last seen choking on his own rhetoric. Pat Rabbitte, Enda Kenny and Bertie Ahern experienced a brief moment of unity as they played rock-paper-scissors to see who would have to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on the opposition leader.