Nico (Above the Law) (1988) .... Nico Toscani
Tagline: He was a covert agent trained in Vietnam. He has a master 6th degree black belt in Aikido... and family in the Mafia. He's a cop with an attitude
Plot and Analysis:
This is Seagal’s breakthrough movie. He hadn’t discovered the cheeseburger yet, so is still quite slim. Slim and angry. Back from Vietnam where he worked for the CIA he gets told to keep out of a drug and bomb deal, his family get threatened a priest gets killed, and Nico goes spare and kills everyone. Allegedly the completely delusional Seagal really believed he was in the CIA and told everybody so. I remember one moment in this movie when he is surrounded by a bunch of bad-guys one of whom says “you can take us all!” whom he then shoots and says “Nope, but I can try!”
Total
4 Fat Buddas. Launched a legends career. Watch out for Pam Grier and Sharon Stone
Hard to Kill (1990) .... Mason Storm
Tagline: Nico's back and this time he's even more harder to kill.
Plot and Analysis:
Besides two outrageous errors in the tagline for this movie (Nico? He’s not in this movie, and more harder? Hello?) this has got to be Seagals finest hour. His wife and kid get killed at the beginning, Mason ends up in coma hidden in hospital by his boss. Kelly LeBrock (Seagal’s then-wife in real life) plays a nurse who enjoys taking a peek at his cock. Entertaining in every single way, there are many highlights in this movie: Mason recovering fully from a coma in a fortnight. Mason swapping his car with some Latinos. Mason realising the senator is the bad guy – “I’ll take you to the bank senator, the blood bank!”
Total
5 Fat Buddas. Unmissable.
Marked for Death (1990) .... John Hatcher
Tagline: In Above the Law, he got tough; In Hard to Kill, he got even; Now the man with the short fuse is... Marked For Death
Plot and Analysis:
Not messing with a good thing, Seagal remakes his first two movies again. This time with drugs and Jamaicans. His partner gets nailed (instead of his family, who narrowly escape death). A pattern has emerged. Best line? “I know you're a scumbag and a puke, I don't mind that, but give me what I need and I'll leave here a nice guy. If you don't, I'm gonna fuck you up.”
Total
2 Fat Bubbas. Watch the first two instead.
Out for Justice (1991) .... Detective Gino Felino
Tagline: He's a cop. It's a dirty job... but somebody's got to take out the garbage
Plot and Analysis:
Seagal playing a cop with an alliterative name remakes exactly the same movie a fourth time. This time it’s his best friend who bites the bullets (in front of wife and kids that’s what really annoys Gino Felino). There is a really OTT scene where Gino knocks a henchman’s teeth out with a pool-ball (“Motherfucker, you knocked my teeth out!”)
Total
2 Fat Buddas. Time to move on.
Under Siege (1992) .... Casey Ryback
Tagline: Steven Seagal is Under Siege!
Plot and Analysis:
The second laziest tagline of any Seagal movie. Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey on autopilot nicking a ship and targeting some city with its missiles. That girl from Baywatch shows off her breasts. Seagal for one film only pretends that he may actually be a movie star. He also cooks.
Total
5 Fat Buddas. Die hard on a boat.
On Deadly Ground (1994) .... Forrest Taft
Tagline: Steven Seagal is On Deadly Ground
Plot and Analysis:
The laziest tagline of all time introduces you to the first of Seagal’s environmental movies. Boy, this is shite! Michael Caine plays some oil magnate trying to displace Eskimos. Caine used to rape and pillage whole villages of children with Seagal, until Seagal had an epiphany after been rescued by some suspiciously non-ethnic ethnic Eskimos. Seagal then decides to single-handedly to destroy everything he sees by (in-turns), squinting at it, hitting it, or using his (now impressive) bulk to roll over it.
Total
2 Fat Buddas. Worth it to see Seagal pile on the pounds, and Michael Caine piss all over his career
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) .... Casey Ryback
Tagline: A top secret nuclear satellite. A team of international terrorists. A government held hostage. An undetectable moving headquarters. Only one hero stands in the way.
Plot and Analysis:
Steven remakes under siege, without the aid of that girl from Baywatch breasts. It must be a low point of your career when the fat mentalist Steven Seagal is more famous then your knockers.
Total
4 Fat Buddas. Worth it for Seagal outrunning gravity.
Executive Decision (1996) .... Lt. Col. Austin Travis
Tagline: Fasten your seat belts
Plot and Analysis:
He’s not in this a lot. Kurt Russell plays some suit-type, Seagal a commando. Some people rate this the best movie in his career. Go figure.
Total
3 Fat Buddas. Seagal the hero.
Glimmer Man, The (1996) .... Jack Cole
Tagline: Two good cops. One bad situation.
Plot and Analysis:
Seagal mixes up his genres here. On one hand he’s the Buddist eco-warrior, on the other he is an ex-assassin. The title comes from Seagal’s ability to sneak through the forest and you’d see a ‘glimmer’ and then be killed. Keenan Wayans is Seagal’s sidekick who has to trust him even when Seagal’s prints are found all over his mutilated ex-wife. Seagal also (in a comic moment) makes Wayans eat powdered deer penis. Seriously.
Total
2 Fat Buddas. Seagal kills someone with a credit card
Fire Down Below (1997) .... Jack Taggart
Tagline: Beneath a land of wealth and beauty hides a secret that could kill millions. Undercover has never run so deep.
Plot and Analysis
A remake of “On Deadly Ground”. Boy, this is shite!
Total
2 Fat Buddas. Worth it for Kristofferson and Seagal having a squint-a-thon
Patriot, The (1998/I) .... Dr. Wesley McClaren
Tagline: Every second counts.
Plot and Analysis:
Boy, this is boring. Boring. Boooooooorrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg. Seagal races against time to find a cure of a virus or something. Not even funny.
Total
1 Fat Buddas. Avoid.
Exit Wounds (2001) .... Orin Boyd
Tagline: What Can Two Men Do Against A Gang Of Crooked Cops? Whatever It Takes
Plot and Analysis:
Seagal is a cop that does what ever it takes to get the job done. He gets demoted after throwing the Vice President off a bridge. He ends up in the worst precinct in NY, the Fifteenth. Soon he is beating the crap out of folk, chasing after DMX and in anger management classes with Tom Arnold. During the course of all this he does some rope work, and dodges a bullet.
Total
3 Fat Buddas. Getting back on track.
Ticker (2001) .... Glass
Tagline:?
Plot and Analysis:
By Christ this is bad. Really, really bad. Dennis Hopper plays some (Irish?) bomber, who seems to have an identity crisis (South-African maybe?). Tom Sizemore took a break from beating up hookers to sleepwalk thorough this as the cop looking for Hopper (Russian?). Steven Seagal is too fat to stand up in any scene and is replaced by a quite obvious body double when any action starts. Badly made rubbish. Rubbish. Rubbish.
Total
0 Fat Buddas. Rubbish. Absolute Tosh.
Half Past Dead (2002) .... Sasha
Tagline: The Good. The Bad. And the Deadly
Plot and Analysis:
The last Seagal movie I have seen. Seagal tries to replicate the success of Exit Wounds by teaming up with another rapper (Ja-Rule). Ja-Rule and Sasha (Seagal) get sent to prison. Then (if I remember correctly) loads of other criminals break into prison looking for hidden gold, and Seagal kicks the shit out them. Notable for the use of extreme close up and favourable lighting when showing Seagal.
Total
2 Fat Buddas. It’s no Exit Wounds
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