Monday, June 28, 2004

How I laughed

"A FF council candidate who was the
victim of a bogus letter urging voters
to support his running mate has said he
is 'amazed' the party has accepted an
apology from the perpetrator.

Pat Rath lost out to sitting councillor
Lorcan Allen by less than 400 votes in
the Local Elections.

Letters were sent to several thousand
voters, purporting to come from the
Taoiseach, asking them to give their
first preference to Mr Allen.

Mr Allen today took full responsibility
for the letter and apologised to Mr
Rath for the deception "

He used prepaid envelopes to post the letters from the Dail ( ie paid for by taxpayers ) and forged Bertie Aherns signature on the letters ....... A glittering career in Irish politics awaits ....and they are in the same party. ohohohohhoo..... you couldn't make it up...

Friday, June 25, 2004

Train Time • Snap Judgements • External Numbers • Murakami

I take the train on weekdays, once in the morning and once in the evening. I normally read a novel of any genre, and don’t interface with humanity if possible. This is the fundamental principal of train time; 50 minutes a day of time with out possibility of interruption. I may start turning my phone off to try and complete the illusion.

Today, tiring of my book (the excellent “Wind-up Bird Chronicle” by Haruki Murakami) I got back to an issue that has been nagging at my mind for sometime. Just past Croke Park where the train-track becomes elevated (or EL in Americanese, an abbreviation that I really like) there is a block of council flats. A few days ago I noticed that the doors to their balconies have house numbers. This must be affecting me at a subconscious level because I haven’t been able to shake my “why?” reflex since.

Is it a form of obscure house pride? Is it for athletic burglars? Is it for literate homing pigeons? Is it just a mistake? The doors were built and installed in pairs? It hardly matters, the phenomenon exists and people don’t care. Spread the word.

I started to look around on the train to see if I could ask somebody else what they thought. In my immediate vicinity there were nine people. I straight away formed snap judgements about all of them, and gave them names. I feel that Murakami would have approved of this introspective exercise.

They are in order from furthest away to closest:

Blue Wraparounds Man:
This guy had a pair of very well cared for or possibly new blue wraparound sunglasses. I have an aversion to people who wear sunglasses on the train, and he had a mean mouth. He struck me as the type of person who doesn’t wait for the green man at busy intersections, and doesn’t give up his seat for pregnant women.

The Mauve-Trouser-Suited Woman, and Daughter:
The Mauve-Trouser-Suited woman was wearing a suit one size too small for her. Her daughter was wearing a mauve jacket two shades different, as if deliberately chosen to cause maximum discomfort to onlookers. Both had bleached blond hair, and were engrossed in conversation. They were standing too far away for me to eavesdrop, but I imagine they were talking about the Brown Thomas’ summer sale, and their planned assault on wandering eyes.

Necklace:
Necklace was an abnormally tall man who wore his shirt unbuttoned by an unfashionable three from neck. Nestled above his collarbone was a linked chain, which at first appearances was made out of pewter, but was probably silver. When the train stopped at Connelly station two tourists leaned in and asked him if the train went to Bray. He said (correctly) that it didn’t. The tourists went away and asked a guard; they didn’t trust him either.

The Piano Tuner:
This girl was nestled into the far corner reading the “The Piano Tuner” by Daniel Mason. I remember more about the book then her, which is probably due to the quantum (and distortive) nature of Train Time. In my Murakami daydream, perhaps she knew about my attention and stepped outside my focus. Her ears were covered, but I suspect they may have been perfect. It’s lucky I didn’t see them or I may have been lost.

The Doorman:
A suited man of slight build stood at the door with one hand on the doors, as if waiting to be let out. I suspect that he releases himself to Train Time completely and is unreachable for the duration of his journey.

Hangdog Texter:
The Hangdog Texter was a repulsively ugly, or maybe just sad women with an old model Nokia mobile phone. She was fully absorbed in what she was doing. Her ears were on full view and nobody was affected; they were far from perfect. She had managed to create an unusual amount of space around her for the morning commute. I would be surprised if this was coincidence.

Couple:
A man and woman stood talking for the entire trip. They were not a couple couple, just two people of opposite sex talking. It was clear that they had no idea of Train Time and it was not my job to inform them. They stood next to the Doorman, who of course remained oblivious.

Drunk:
Right next to me, was a short fat man in a grubby T-shirt. The smell of mouth wash couldn’t mask the smell of booze. On the commuter route, he was still holding down his job, but probably not for a great deal longer. Too downtrodden to worry about abstract thought he was best given a wide berth, but he chose to stand beside me. One look at The Piano Tuner’s ears may have sobered him, but she doesn’t show them. Not even for mercy.

I got off the train without talking to anyone. While being entirely unsatisfactory for you if you read this far, it is still an ending.
Why I can't hate the English Football team

In the interest of balance

a) Sol Campbell is a fantasic defender. I'd buy him.
b) The hype is not their fault. You well never hear an english commentator say 'England are decidedly average'. Which they are.
c) Penalty shoot-outs.
d) Bobby Moore.
e) The players are not the fans. Well ok Terry Butcher was aptly named.
Why I can't love the English Football team

From Sky ....

"Anger at the result spilled over into the streets of some English towns with violence aimed at Portuguese establishments.

More than 100 England supporters besieged the Red Lion pub in Thetford, Norfolk, run by a Portuguese businessman, with around 120 people - including children - watching the match inside.

Police in Jersey used CS gas to disperse a crowd of 1,500 England supporters who taunted Portuguese fans, according to reports."

No doubt the lads were fuelled up on imported German lager and went for a nice curry after.

Fuckin morons.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Bertie for Europe

I may have been a little negative about politics in the past, so I have decided to support the government with my "Bertie for Europe" campaign. I have even made posters. You can use them free of charge.


Star parts

I was watching a reality TV show recently where a crew follows around a group of hopefuls as they try to make it in Hollywood. I can’t remember its name, but I’ll watch it if it comes on again.

It provided a moment of high comedy. An ingénue was in an audition for a role. It became apparent that she was putting herself forward for a role in some sort of space opera.

Two people were involved in the vignette; the director and the would-be starlet.

The director explained the setup.
“You’re angry, imagine he’s on the ground, deliver your line and kick him.”
“What's my motivation?”
“You’re angry.”


The girl then stomps around the stage, and before she comes to deliver the blow she stops.

“I don’t want to kick him. What’s my motivation?”
“He’s just destroyed your home planet, you’re angry. Kick him!”


The hopeful pauses to think about this.

“I think I’d negotiate.”

We find out next week if she got the part.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Reason why Wexford should be Crowned All-Ireland Hurling Champions 2004

1. They're aren't Kilkenny
2. We hate Kilkenny
3. We've beaten Kilkenny already so AKA we're the best !

Feed your habit

Check out the feed links. Lunchtime now supporting RSS2.0 and Atom. Stay current with our meaningless filth.
If you are confused about this technology, or want to know more, let me know!

Why Britain should leave the EU

Taken from the Guardian.

"The flurry of weekend opinion polling that followed Friday night's agreement in Brussels has revealed a British nation that is strongly opposed to the European Union constitution and also deeply ignorant about it. Few polls in recent years say more about the state of our politics and our prejudices than the YouGov poll reported in yesterday's Sunday Times. According to this survey, British voters in a referendum would reject the constitution agreed by the 25 EU nations last week by more than two to one - 49% voting no to 23% voting yes - a margin confirmed by a separate ICM poll yesterday for the Vote No campaign.
Then, though, YouGov asked the voters what they actually knew about the constitution. Here the results produced a remarkable picture of widespread ignorance. Many people believe, for instance, that the constitution gives the EU immediate power to increase taxes in Britain - a wholly unfounded belief. Many also fear that the British passport will now be replaced by an EU one - wholly wrong again. A majority think it compels Britain to join the eurozone - not true either. Many think that the constitution gives the EU power to prevent Britain from waging a war, or that an EU representative will now take Britain's place on the United Nations security council - wrong and wrong again. Then comes a truly eloquent finding. If your anxieties were met in the treaty, the voters were asked, would you vote for or against it? By 41% to 35%, they replied, they would vote for it
."

Trust me this sums it all up ..... Europe doesn't exactly bring out the rational in Britain...after all it is full of foreigners ...and we all know anything foreign is rubbish don't we?

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Nonsense
I have been taking a little stick recently, people seem to think I have something against the Catholic church.
This is so unfair. I just don't run my life by superstitions and predjudices .. but that is just me :-) .. Anyway to redress the balance.

Mormons

This lot believe a man called JOSEPH SMITH was directed by an angel to find a book of gold pages.
He translated this in to The Book of Mormon.Among their beliefs; native americans were once white but cursed by god to be "red", people from jerusalem settled in North America .. hmmm interesting but not Al Quaida I guess. Dont mention polygamy (practiced in the early days) or there is no place for women in the priesthood.
(who is the weaker sex :-) ?)

Scientology

Among the more interesting beliefs are the fact that ancient earth was ruled by an alien civilisation (here we go again ...after all man could never have build the pyramids etc...)

For some facts...or search the web :-)

Scientology US Navy Style

Ulsermen as the lost tribe of Israel

This one goes along the lines of the ulster/scots/presber in ireland being descended from the lost tribe of israel (Dan). This is popular in odd corners of the protestant tradition in Ireland ..... smacks of freemasonry as well ... and we know what an enlightened bunch they are ...any female members..no.?I didn't think so..
have a look @ the following links.

The Ulster flag
The Union Jack

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Typical Irish Summer Saying...

It's too Hot

Taoiseach issues a firm “Ah come on lads!”

Irish premier Bertie Ahern has issued a strong “Ah come on lads!” to the electorate in response to his parties disastrous performance in the Local and European elections.

“Just what do you think you are up to?” He demanded.

“Don’t you know that we are the biggest and best party in the country? Sure, we’ve had a couple of scandals, but we’ve brushed them under the carpet and forgotten about them. Surely it’s only fair that you do the same?”

“Now Sinn Féin have got a chunk of our vote, and good luck to us trying to get that back. I may have to go back onto the fence about going into government with them.”

“It is short-sighted and childish of the electorate not to vote for us, don’t they know that a vote for the opposition is a vote against Fainna Fáil? I even have to turn down the job in Europe, and that’s worth €6 million. Bloody ingrates.”

Gerry Adams of Sinn Féin was in jubilant humour.

“This is not a protest vote.” He lied.

“Sinn Féin are taking the gun out of politics, and are bound by the constitutional framework of this country,” said Adams via satellite feed from Columbia, “we are providing a real alternative, people are tired of parties with more then one policy.”

“We now have a voice in Europe, and God help anyone that stands in our way.”

Mister Adams was last seen choking on his own rhetoric. Pat Rabbitte, Enda Kenny and Bertie Ahern experienced a brief moment of unity as they played rock-paper-scissors to see who would have to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on the opposition leader.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Et tu Brute?


I am one of the worst shoppers in the world.

• I buy washed, peeled, pre-packaged vegetables, at a massive mark up
• I don’t look at prices
• I impulse buy
• I go to the supermarket hungry
• I have a compulsive addiction to try new salad dressings
• I like a glass of wine with dinner

Here is a typical receipt; food for two dinners for two people, if I am lucky. Maybe I can eek three dinners out of it. The economics are still bad.



Based on the ingredients above here is my recipe for “Con’s summer Caesar salad” Cooking time ~15mins.

Take two bowls
Add half of baby leaf and half of lambs leaf lettuce
Add some dry roasted peanuts to lettuce(if you have them handy, and who doesn’t?)
Cook 4 strips of streaky bacon in pan until very crispy, leave to cool
Cut the chicken fillets down the centre and fry until brown using the same pan
Place chicken and bacon on top of lettuce
Add generous shavings of parmesan (potato peeler good here)
Add Caesar dressing, I recommend Cardinis – nice and peppery. If you can’t get this Newman’s Caesar will do Suppose you could make your own.

Serve while chicken is still warm.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Norway slam “Progressive Ireland”

Norway has followed Ireland to become the second nation in the world to ban smoking in all bars and restaurants.
Like Ireland, Norway is seeking to protect waiters and other restaurant and bar staff from second-hand smoke blamed for causing cancer, respiratory and heart diseases.
It is the fact that Ireland introduced the ban first that has got up the Scandinavians’ collective noses.

“Who do the Irish think they are?” Norwegian foreign affairs minister Jan Peterson said.

“We pass the most progressive laws in the world for other nations to adopt, it’s our thing.”

“After this and the plastic bag tax, we’ll be lucky to maintain our enlightened image. Can’t someone persuade the Irish to stop?” He continued.

“Norway thought of the ban first, but the Irish implemented before us. They would never admit to it of course. I am seriously considering severing diplomatic relations.”

When Mr. Peterson heard that Irish are thinking of introducing a ban on children’s advertising he was not surprised.

“The Irish haven’t had an original idea in their lives. They abandoned social progression in the 1900’s, when England left. It’s about time they pulled up their socks.”

“The way they advertise to children makes me ill, perhaps they should consider a ban on fast food ads also” He added.

When Brian Cowan, Ireland minister for foreign affairs was asked about the Norwegian’s claim that we had stolen their idea, he had this to say.

“Those guys think they have a monopoly on good ideas, but we are showing the world that we can be just as progressive as a bunch of backward sunlight deprived soused herring eaters. Now the English are thinking about introducing the ban. Even the Scots are looking to adopt it, and they have nothing else to do.”

“We are constantly the more open-minded and forward thinking country. We even put in a traveller as our entrant to the eurovision song contest. We may have come second last, but we still beat Norway. Never again will the world hear the words ‘The Norwegians have beaten us to it’.”

The dispute looks set to escalate.
If you ever find yourself lost in North London...

I moved to Dublin four years ago from London (I had been a bit of a wanderer as a child..lived in both cities)..well anyway I hadn't noticed how much less I used slang since I moved to Dublin until it was pointed out to me recently...now this is not the apples and pears slang of hollwood but real everyday rubbish... no wonder my mother would complain she couldn't understand me sometimes ....

Pants Pulled - a financially unsatisfactory transaction ie 'I had my pants pulled on the 2-30 at kempton'
Penguin - a person ..usually politician with rigid beliefs ..usually of the old Tory school ie 'Tebbit is a right penguin' ..picture a penguin walking …rod in the ass
Pete Tong - its gone wrong ie 'It's all gone pete tong' … see also titanic,pear-shaped
Spanish Archer - when you get dumped by a woman ie 'he's a spanish archer ' - think about it … El Bow…
Dalek - muslim woman in full burka…
Moped - a woman you wouldn't like your mates to see you with -- see also tripple bagger …
Ten-to Twoer - girl you pick up last thing at night in a club …back in the days when the slow dancing started at ten to two …
The plot - your local geograpical location ..usage 'rozzer on the plot' -- there is a constable nearby
Barnet - Hair
High Barnet - Big Hair.