A thousand words before lunch? Yum. Lunch.

In the last of this years seasonal lists, I am thinking about what I ate and drank this Christmas. A word of warning, this list may not be for the squeamish.

“I have been eating for 67 years and I haven’t got bored of it yet!” D. Murnane Christmas 2003

I am going to take the eating season starting in earnest from 4th of December


4th December
Clontarf Castle

Warm up lagers
Soup
Turkey and Ham
Dessert
Coffee
Guinness
Gin
Boogie Nights

Overall (out of 5): 2

Can’t remember all that much about the food, other then I ate it all. The turkey was that kind of wet turkey you get when you’re catering for 500. Expensive, I’m sure, but you have to factor in band. The evening moved into the surreal when some old, and I mean old, pervert at the bar started bemoaning the fact that in his day he could get a Hand job (or a rub down & toss as he said) in Dublin for £10.


7th December
Dunderry Lodge

Warm up Kir
Seafood platter
Peasant
Tiramisu
Wine
Coffee

Overall (out of 5): 4

What a nice place to have lunch. Seriously. The seafood platter was great, fresh and smoked salmon, tiger prawns and crab on a bed of lettuce, with a slightly tangy vinaigrette, followed by very gamey pheasant. Yum! The tiramisu was springy and light. All washed down with a St.Emilion. Coffee good too!


13th December
Milanos

Caesar Salad
Pizza Jalapeno
Beer (nazurro adzero?)

Milanos. The pizza express guys have been doing it a long time, and doing it well. No more to be said

Overall (out of 5): 4


17th December
Salamanca. Tapas.

Warm up lager
Pate
Hummus
Parma Ham
Olives
Calamari
Chorizo
Asparagus
Spicy potatoes
Deep fried monkfish
Chocolate muffin dessert
Vino
Coffee
Gin and tonic(s)
Guinness

Overall (out of five): 3

Hmm. The normally great Salamanca had a few flaws this time around. The antipaste (or whatever antepaste is in Spain) were great, delicious olives, hummus, ham and bread. I chose wisely on tapas, the chorizo, patatas and calamari all good. The asparagus, chosen by Glenn a touch overcooked, but nowhere near as overcooked as the fish. Eugh! Fish fritter. The desert was crunchy, heavy and horrible. Still, Salamanca lends itself to being sociable, and the waitress did offer to replace the dessert with any other off the menu. Expensive, and a few miscalculations on the menu.


19th December
Barcode

Some Starter
Turkey and ham
Some dessert
Coffee
Wine
Guinness
Lager
Baby Guinness
Smirnoff Ice
Gin

As you may notice this night wasn’t exactly about the food. When it did arrive it was horrible. Good night though.

Overall (out of five): 1


22nd December
Eden

Warm up Kir
Pan Fried Pheasant
Veal
Ice Cream
Cheese
Coffee
Wine

This place is great. Expensive. But Great. For the second time this December, good gamey pheasant, complimented by a good choice of red wine (Fleurie), the veal steak was huge, on a bed of creamy lentils, spinach and carrot, with baby roast potatoes. Perhaps not the perfect compliment to pheasant, but there you go. I felt like ice cream, so had it, and good it was. Just the cheese left, but I found room. Excellent, expensive but worth it

Overall (out of five): 5


24th December
Party

Mushroom volavents
Salmon volavents
Egg Sandwiches
Ham Sandwiches
Cocktail Sausages
Pizza
Sushi
Mulled Wine
Baked Cranberry and Brie

Yum. Good fun too. Won at table tennis.

Overall (out of five): n/a


25th December
Dinner at the In-Laws

Lobster
Turkey
Ham
Roast potatoes
Carrot and turnip mash
Sprouts with onion and chestnut
Pine nut stuffing
Cheese cake
Mince Pies
Trifle
Cheese
Coffee
Wine

First time at the In-Laws for dinner, I made the starter (didn’t have the boil the lobsters thank God). Lobster with tangerine on a bed of lettuce with a homemade mayonnaise and a small dripping of honey and mustard dressing. Yum. Turkey and Ham, well cooked for the first time this Christmas. Special mention for Sprouts. Cheese and dessert excellent. Wine - Wither hills for the lobster, a D’Arenburg Ironstone pressings for Turkey and a sweet muscadet for dessert. I enjoyed it so much I ate seconds of everything

Overall (out of five): 5


26th December
Still at the In-Laws

As above. Yum


27th December
Back to my folks

Pate
Dips
Spiced Ham
Roasted Parsnip
Red Cabbage
Roast Potoates
Meringues
Lemon Ice Cream
Trifle
Cheese & Port
Wine
Coffee

Thank God for Food. Just great. Special mention for the parsnip. Yum.

Overall (out of five): 5


28th December
Still at my folks

As above, but with Beef and horseradish.

Never, ever, eat beef without horseradish. Great.

Overall (out of five): 5


Well, Still eating. New Years Day promises to be the last of it, or maybe the first of it! Bon appetite!!

Presents, filthy lucre.

I like giving presents. Seriously. I really enjoy the thinking about, the buying, the giving. I also like the receiving. I am human.

So am I better giver or receiver? Here is a list of what I gave and received, in no particular order. I like everything here, spoiled brat.

Gave

1 x mp3 player
2 x Flaming lips CD’s “Ego tripping at the gates of hell”
1 x Clive Cussler novel “Trojan Odyessy”
1 x REM CD “Singles collection”
1 x Dave Matthews CD “Some Devil”
1 x Schott’s food and drink miscellany
1 x Michael Smith biography of Captain Oates “I am just going outside”
3 x D’Arenburg wines (1 x Dead Arm, 1 x Laughing Magpie, 1 x Footbolt)
1 x Joanne Harris book “Blackberry Wine”
1 x Tracy Chevalier book “The Lady and Unicorn”
1 x Hanging Bird Feeder
1 x Creature Comforts DVD
1 x Pat Shortt DVD “Live and a bit dangerous”
1 x Ambrose Bierce book “The Devil’s dictionary”
1 x The Human torch action figure
1 x Fargo Special edition DVD
1 x Bird Table
1 x Indoor plant
1 x Body shop smelly box

Received

1 x Jumper
1 x Decanter
1 x Bottle of Cloudy bay
1 x Egg Fridge
1 x Penguin Dictionary Set
1 x Pink Panther box set
1 x Lyrics Board game
1 x Saints or Sinners board game
1 x Cocktail kit
1 x Executive table football
1 x Do it yourself snowglobe
1 x Donation to Trocaire
2 x Bo Selecta DVD

A Traditional list

What are my New Years Resolutions? Hmm. A list

1. Be on time for work
2. Learn how to tune a guitar (reasonable goals, reasonable goals)
3. Learn the words to the national anthem
4. Read more
5. Lose weight (16lbs)
6. Go to Cork more
7. Fart less in my cubicle
8. Blog more from home and less from work
9. Unless it’s NYE
10. Be proper Bo, I tell thee
11. Build or buy a house in the country
12. Get my wife driving
13. Fix my R/C plane
14. Learn how to fly an R/C plane
15. Tidy my desk
16. Drink more coffee
17. Drink less coke
18. Stop threatening Phil Coulter behind his back
19. Play more computer games
20. Clean my fish tank once a week
21. Buy more fish
22. BlueJack
23. Grow my hair again
24. Shave my beard at least once
25. Work harder
26. Love my wife and fight properly
27. Go to the dentist
28. Play more scrabble
29. Be happier
30. Be an ambassador for comic books
31. Watch Hellboy
32. Dress better
33. Laugh more
34. Go to the Listowel races
35. Swim in the sea
36. Save
37. Don’t do anything overtly life threatening except smoke
38. Give up the smoke
39. Start painting again
40. Get involved in pointless competition
41. Organise a “fantasy six nations”
42. Write 1 less introspective list
43. Wear shirts
44. Write a children’s book
45. Convince someone else to illustrate it
46. Write an adult fiction book (not that type of ‘adult fiction’)
47. Surf the net less
48. Unsubscribe from Usenet newsgroups
49. Write more, blog more
50. Live

New Years Eve, New Years Eve, Fuck and Bollocks.


December 31st 2003. Last day of this year. Whilst playing Trivial pursuits over Christmas I was asked what date Victorians celebrated the turn of the century on. Well fact lovers, it was the 1st January 1901. My wife, before reading the answer, said “They did it properly.” But in 2000 the masses spoke, and while the thoughts of going along with the great unwashed makes you want to go “No, no you’re wrong, fuck off! you dim fuckers!” There is something about the guy, you know the type, who sits in a room going on about the rest of the world that just doesn’t appeal to me. As it is, New Years Eve, was then, is now, and will continue forevermore to be shit. It is de facto the worst night of the year. But it is getting better. I think this is more to do with me, then the night itself. Over the last twenty eight years I have tried many ways to combat New Years Eve. I use the word combat because it is war. Feel free to try these NYE remedies, but bear in mind they only brought me limited success.

• 18 pints of Guinness
• Sex with the wrong women
• Waking up to find your best friend about to take a piss on you
• Getting stoned as a badger
• Walking around Dublin endlessly
• Trying too hard to have a good time
• Swimming in the north sea

I say things are getting better this year because I am working, and because I am working I cannot go to Lahinch Co.Clare and try too hard to have fun. So I am going home, to my wife, where I will sit and drink champagne. My brother may come over on his way home from work, that’ll be nice. My friends will be in Clare, probably not fucking, as they know each other far to well for any of that carry on, my eldest brother, sister and parents will be in Toad having dinner, and my other brother will be celebrating his wife’s birthday at home. I like the sound of this NYE. It speaks to me.

Things that annoy me in the cinema.

1. Other people

Boy! I have not blogged in a long time.

Lunchtime today was:

The most expensive man made element

Here's what the jury says

Most expensive naturally occurring

Very, very expensive and man made, but not the most expensive, our good friend plutonium

But the most expensive (by a stand out mile) is the ironically named californium, which costs a staggering 3.8 billion dollars per troy pound, making it not only the most expensive element, but the most expensive thing in the world. Ever.

Here’s what a smart kid has to say about it

and the straight dope

Enjoy every sandwich.

Weight loss on the moment of death? Up to 21 grammes

This is your 'Soul Shave Weight.' For the purposes of this exercise Human Soul Shave Weight (HSSW)

Fully grown sheep (note: Not lambs or goats) for about 1 - 6 seconds after death can gain between 18 to 780 grammes. This transient weight loss is contrary to Newton's third law because there is no compensating weight loss. It should be noted that these experiments "occurred in a quiet time at the moment of death when all breathing and movement had ceased". So the sheep had a natural death - not slaughtered. For the purposes of this exercise Sheep Soul Shave Container (SSSC) .

So. It is clear the soul shave wieght from dead humans is being displaced into dead sheep. We can guess the velocity of HSSW is between 1 - 6sec, and we know the velocity of SSSC is ~1sec. The mass of HSSW is ~21g. The mass of SSSC is 18 <> 780g.

Now allowing for the fact that there are far more humans dying then sheep having natural deaths it take ~37 Humans to fill a sheep to capacity. If a human soul cannot find a sheep it may have to travel – It has 6 seconds to get there.

So say that a soul travels as the crow flies (ignoring spherical geometry) the furthest it would have to travel is 12756.32 kilometers and it has ~6secs to do this. This means souls travel at approximately 2126 m/s or 6 1/4 times the speed of sound. For the purposes of this exercise Human Soul Speed (HSS). Sheep soul speed again ~1 sec (SSS)

So taking Newtons third law (as applied to momentum) we get:

x(HSSW) x(HSS) + y(SSSC) y(SSS) = x(HSSW) x (v1*) + y(SSSC) y(v2*) where v1 and v2 are equal to relative soul velocities (~ ∞ or ~1)

This equation of course could be flawed, if sheep aren’t actually an advanced form of Ovine soul container. I propose that we weigh all the animals in the world pre and post mortem and then make our minds up about soul transition theory.

Hollywood has made a movie called 21 grams. Named after the weight of the soul, I am sure that it has nothing to do with the above.

TTFN – So long Warren.

Todays discussion seemed to be a competition to find the most unbelievable 'fact' about .......... Popes.

Did you know....

There was allegedly a female Pope ...

Any male catholic can become Pope ... you do not have to be a cardinal.

The Borgia's were in fact Spanish and not Italian.

The next Pope could be the last ...

We have been discussing opening lines for books recently.

You know the sort of thing 'It was the best of times ... it was the worst of times...'

Well here's a selection of our own.... in various genre styles....hur hur.

Only one thing could convince Dave to remove his foot from his grandmothers throat.
'What have you done with my hamsters', he snarled.

(Mark)

Sub-Commander Hrzzftzz tentacles stiffened in alarm
'Qyzzz ftzz heueeuer?', he mouthed...

(Mark)

Just before dawn, came the strangely comforting revelation that he was, in fact, a woman.

(Connor)

Not since Derby day had Johhny rode anything so delightfull.

(Mark)

The meeting wasn't going the way Michael would have liked. Time to resort to Plan B. He pulled a small gun from inside his brief case and calmly began shooting all his co-workers sitting around the table. Hearing the commotion, the CEO entered the room moments later to the sight of bloodied bodies strewn about.

"Well well Michael" he declared, "looks like you finally deserve that promotion".

Michael smiled, It had been another good day at the office. He was really looking forward to tommorows presentation to the Japanese Investors.

(Michael)

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

by Anonymous

Life's Mulligan

Growing old. Sore knee
Years pass. High BP.
Looking back. Missed chances.
Moan and whine. Fuck you Time!

Broken I sigh, ‘Where’s my Mulligan?’.
Flash of lighting. Crashing thunder.
‘Ok’ God booms, ‘You can have this chance’.
‘This one opportunity. To redo life’s dance.’
So off I head, flash crash in time.
At precisely eighty-eight. The clock destroyed.

Enjoying different school. Fearless. Education.
Playing sport. Win or Lose, Participation.
Picking a job I like. More career challenge.
Setting tougher goals, I know I’ll manage.
Meeting more people, not TV sets.
6 Billion friends I haven’t met.
Travelling the world or some at least
So much to see, horizons to breach.
Playing some music, trying to entertain.
Being in front, fear not shame.

So while living my new life, do you know what I’ve found?
That I can actually hear the same old sound.
The knock knock knocking of opportunity missed.
With so much more done, and yet I still feel pissed.
Its apparently one of life’s little conditions.
No matter how much you have, there’s always ambition.

So watch out now, here comes cold water.
Do-over gone, back where we started.
But I see the answers quite clearly now.
A route forward. Solutions abound.

Past mistakes do not provide.
Reason enough to duck and hide.
So histories dreams will be revived
I hereby declare my life alive.

While driving in this morning I heard Baz Luhrmann's "Everybody‘s free to wear sunscreen" on the radio. It seemed like good advice to live life by.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.

Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

This of course reminded me of advice a father once gave to his son.

Lord Polonius
Yet here, Laertes! aboard, aboard, for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for. There; my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
See thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledged comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear't that the opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell: my blessing season this in thee!

Cube Life

Hi, my name’s Michael, prisoner 4631.
Serving 20 to life, for shit I shouldn’t have done.
Trapped in a 12 by 12, here on cubicle row.
In the ILIM penitentiary, life goes slow.

My story’s familiar, all much the same.
So I’ll bitch and moan, and apportion some blame.
Starting with a 12 year stint, in some humdrum school
Learning to read and write, while not being cool.

A five year spin, followed quite soon
At the DCU Pen., attached to the nerd platoon.
I had just got out, unburdened and free.
When along came a job, for a man with a degree.

I should of known better, tried to keep my nose clean.
But greed grabbed a hold, like you never have seen.
So here I am, trapped in my cell.
Shit, Cock, Fuck. I silently yell.

Hours tick by, I chalk up the days.
Memories of freedom, all but a haze.
Tied to my desk, these manacles clink.
The monotony for sure, could drive me to drink.

I refuse to despair; I’m going to get out.
To fulfil dreams and ambition, I’m in no doubt.
I’ll dig a tunnel or two, and never be seen.
Hopefully more James Coburn, than Steve McQueen.

I should really be posting this as a comment ... but blogextra seems to have crashed ....

anyhoo ... my mr men character picks itself ...

Mr. Lazy

If I was a Mr. Men .... which one would I be?

Mr. Greedy

Inspired by a book I had read recently and a comment by Connor at the lunch table I went in search of the Illuminati.

Big tip ...... never use the internet to search for 'NutBar' information.

The upshot of all this is the coming new world order ...... the most worrying link is the last .....

Here are some "Facts"

{Deep Breath}

1.The Background

A man named Adam Weishaupt founded a secret society in Bavaria in 1776, that had as it’s goal, to rule the world. The methods they would use would be assassinations, bribery, blackmail, revolutions, and espionage. Their model of organization was similar to the Jesuit Order and the steps and degrees of Freemasonry. They intended to control and manipulate banks and bankers, money-lending powers, the world’s financiers. They intended to cause economic collapses, wars, bloody uprisings and revolutions around the world, with each upheaval calculated to re-structure the status quo leaving the Illuminati in greater positions of influence, and poised for their next step. The main enemies or “targets” of The Illuminati in the 1700s were the kings and queens, the monarchies of Europe, and, the Church. The two most-remembered Illuminati-caused revolutions in history, were, the French Revolution and Reign of Terror (1788-1799), and the Russian Revolution of 1917 that first made Communism a world power. The Illuminati and it’s diabolical conspiracy was very real. These things actually happened and are a matter of world history. The Illuminati Conspiracy got exposed. The authorities made raids and seized Illuminati documents. In its day this was all public headline news, not some obscure, rare, or arcane knowledge. There you have the basic gist of it. That is the starting point. That is what people usually mean by “The Illuminati.”

2. Some links.

Conspiricy theorists are obsessed by The Dollar Bill

What people say about them...

For a load of end of times stuff check out ... those crazy Christians...

And for all the geeks ...what we always new about Mic**s**t.

Finally .... Do you believe this ? Geoge W listens to this bloke?

Which of the Mr.Men are you?

A question I have not often contemplated. Still, the question was posed by Mark in the pub, and so I have done a little research. My! What a lot of Mr.Men there are! What a tiny web presence they have! Not a single javascript quiz that I could find with a half-assed google search! Bah! I'm not going to write one. Instead I have chosen a mister man for myself. If you disagree, let me know, I'll change it.

Mr. Daydream


Before you go - Find out what breed of cow you are.

Conor at work.

A quick note about lunch today:

Extensive talking but not much time to blog. So, here's a summary

Did Karl Marx exists or was he an Idealogical construct? This was a one liner (not original read a biography of Philip K Dick), that led neatly on to did Shakespeare exist? The internet is alive with this one. The runners (expect highbrow mini-poll soon) are Francis Bacon, the Earl of Essex, Christopher Marlowe, the Earl of Derby, the Earl of Rutland, the Earl of Oxford, and Queen Elizabeth I. Here's tuppence, feel free to add it.

The conversation progressed probably via non-sequitur to Michael Ironside and Kurtwood Smith, and who starred in what action movie. I foolishly suggested Kurtwood Smith for Total Recall and in fact was dead wrong. That's right! it was Michael Ironside, and according to his number one fan it's his favorite movie. Conversation moved on to "V" probably due to a subliminal Michael Ironside reference, who was a star. The other guy in V? Not anyone with a publicity still on IMDB.....

The last (well 2nd last) thing discussed was Chinese and the fact that English speaking kids at 4 have fluency, which Chinese kids have to wait until they are 7. Reasons could include the fact the chinese is essentially phonemic, i.e each syllable receives a particular tone, which is as characteristic as the height of the vowels in it, and can distinguish words.

So if you are going to create your own language, especially off an oriental modal keep the following in mind:

Phonological constraints
Each language has combinations of sounds that are considered difficult, forbidden, or impossible. These are called phonological constraints, and are the moulds into which any word has to be made to fit for the sake of coherence and "familiarity". The rules of syllable- and word-formation are part of what is called phonotactics (i. e. which sounds can come in contact with other given sounds).

English is quite free of phonological constraints. Hence the enormous quantity of foreign words it has been able to absorb, like garage, sombrero, mosquito, ersatz, schmuck... Some languages do not resist such invasions.

The last thing talked about? A constant. And there is no point discussing constants...

Since lunch I've thinking more about the Principle of Peter, or more specifically the difference between a manager and a boss. Don't bother googling for P of P, or reading the book, because it summarises as "A person is promoted to the level of their incompetence". So with a very tenuous link I have decided to open this poll:

...POLL NOW CLOSED...

Multiple votes allowed, to make it easy for those that want to vote rig and keep their cookies.

Following up on previous post, and no longer distracted by dolphin brain experiments, I have moved on to predetermination of your babies sex. Or how to have a boy. This stems from a conversation I had recently with my lovely wife (just banter - alright already!), and continued at lunchtime today.

The core issue here is that male sperm are fast swimmers, but run out of steam quickly. They are also the first sperm to be produced after ejaculation (Fact®).

Sooo. To make a boy, you will need:

1 x Ejaculation, daily, alone, for three days.
1 x Ovulation
1 x Deep penetration (dirty sex works just as well here)

Wait 5 minutes (pillow helps)

Congrats! A boy.

Variants on the reciepe include:

1 x Baking power douche everyday of the fertile week (ouch!)
1 x Douching with either vinegar water or Coke before sexual intercourse (eek!)
1 x Increasing your Testosterone levels
1 x Throwing your pants on the left bed post

Other indicators/theories can be found at:

The Chinese Birth Sex Chart
The Old Wives Birth Sex Chart

Now you know the facts. Go make boys.

While looking for sites that talk about what we were talking about at lunch today (or at least what I was talking about) I came across this site Dolphins and Man.....Equals? check out the section on Dr. John C. Lilly, who I am renaming Dr. Slightly Creepy Nutjob. After browsing the web a little more I see Dr.SCN has his own website. Locking yourself in an isolation tank with three dolphins after injecting yourself with 300 mgs of LSD will do something to a guy...

It sounds simple, but truly reliable software often turns out to be no more than a mirage.

1. Create self-healing programs, able to repair themselves (say, by reinstalling key files) when problems occur.

2. Create software that can patch and upgrade itself automatically. Many IT workers feel crushed by the constant need to download and install security patches for products like Microsoft's IIS Web server.

3. Beta-test their products to a much higher standard.

No application is ever bug-free.

Broke my own record,
Out of bed and in to work,
In fifty minutes.

I don't feel better for it.

The IT Team getting ready for action Monday night





And the post release drinks in the life bar

The aim of software testing is to identify and address all issues which would prevent software from meeting its requirements prior to its release. Until software is tested, the quality of that software is unknown.

Testing is expensive. It takes time to find problems, time to correct them and yet more time to test corrections. Problems are unavoidable, therefore the earlier a problem is identified, the cheaper it is to correct.

A Link

Do the Job ......

And a Haiku

Hack,Hack,Hack,Hack,Hack
Hack,Hack,Hack,Hack,Hack a Tree
Hack,Hack,Hack,Hack,Hack

On the train I saw,
A bumble bee, I saved it
From the idiots

Samantha Mumba wins!!

Well I stand corrected. A very scientific survey has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Samantha Mumba is Ireland's best looking female pop star. So in honour of Sam, here is a very tasteful picture of her.

The Chronology of Life.

Age 0, A nice young doctor prescribed me a life.
Top shelf, he said, doesn’t matter; They're all the same.
Have a job, car, house, kids and a wife.
In 70 years, you'll be back, to share the blame.

Age 10, Hulkster is great; my bike is cool.
After homework I play football with the boys.
Mommy says I'll be a doctor, if I work at school.
But I wanna be a fireman, 'cos I like the noise.

Age 20, Rock On. I live the lie.
I can be anything I want to be. It's my choice.
CEO, Musician, Painter. Don't care, I'll never die.
Party harder, drink more, live life, c'mon rejoice.

Age 30, Have a job, a car. Next a house, I'm told.
Twenties behind me. Growing more mature.
There'll soon be kids. Parenthood seems old.
But I'm still young and hip. Life in this dog, for sure.

Age 40, Just bought a shiny red Ferrari Ghost.
Not very practical, wife's lugging kids in the minivan.
Don't know if grey locks or bald patch annoys me most.
Job's going well, lots of money, I do the best I can.

Age 50, A friend from school died this week.
Really brought home that life is flying by.
My eldest will be leaving home soon, to seek
His own good fortune and new life. Softly, I cry.

Age 60, The kids came to visit last week, that was nice.
They're doing really well, success of my life.
I took early retirement, not sure if it was worth the price.
Back aches, hip sore, nasty cough. Worried about my wife.

Age 70, All alone now, and life is frayed.
Dear God, I asked, Why did you let her die?
I had a good run, did my best. Played
the hand the doctor dealt. I shouldn't cry.

Age .....
Dad's not here now, but he wanted me to say
Live hard. Make good choices. Be free. Don't waste a day.
Be sure to control your destiny. Make of your life
what you want, don't allow it to cause you strife.

You'll never guess what we talking about at lunch today....

....POLL NOW CLOSED...

This lunchtime the conversation mostly revolved around three topics.

Is the universe expanding? Nasa think so and boldly go so far as to try and put a figure on it. Nasa are running with the seemingly incredibly popular Hubble Constant which ironically enough isn't a constant at all. They integrate this into the The Einstein-deSitter Universe in which (oddly) large measurements of the Hubble Constant can result in an age of the Universe being younger than the objects we know are in it, an obvious impossibility. To fix this, they simply change the value of the Hubble Constant. Apparently this is called science, not cheating. Most agencies seem to believe that the universe is expanding. Except this bloke who may be very intelligent, or a nutcase, or both.

The conversation then moved on to the rumoured existance of a car made entirely from, and running on bananas. Built by ingenious mexican students I couldn't find any confirmation of this feat of brillance on the internet. Still interested in banana cars? Here is a placebo

Finally things got around to an island, that may or may not be off the coast of Indonesia, that has a trade embargo on it, that uses coconut oil instead of diesel. The internet was again remarkably short of information about this (lots about alternative fuels though, coconut diesel undeniably exists), and this guy has probably seen the same documentary, and that's good enough for me.

The truth is out there
Experimental probing
Space Monkeys and Greys

More 666

Did you know....

If you take my age ...35
Multiply it by the number of distinct personalities i have ...2
Add on the floor where i work ...4
And multiply by the number of cubicles ... 9 (inc unamatrix 0)
You get 666

[cue music from 'The Omen']

Shevaun Pennington
Learn to spell your name silly cow
I blame the parents

An Independent Life

Uncovered scandal, wherever she went.
Fearless at heart, exposing their shame.
Saw the drugs in the city; young life spent.
Set out determined to finger the blame.

After Cahill, Gilligan, Meehan, and Monk.
As brave as could be, she took them all on.
Finding robbery, murder; criminal funk.
Every Sunday her writing shone like the sun.

Of course playing with fire, noble and all,
Comes with a price, which we later all saw.
First came the warnings, then shot in the leg.
"Please stop this now", her husband did beg.

Enough was enough, and Gilligan struck.
Echo round Naas, sound of life being took.

Last Night I tried to write a Sonnet completely in Tautologies. The are two different types of Tautology; The first is the use of redundant expressions, the second (explained Mathematically here) is when a sentence is always true. While this may have been an interesting experiment in postmodern poetry, the verse itself was staggeringly, mind bloggingly (sic.) bad. Totally against the spirit of the blog, I am not going to post it here. Any poem that contains the line "Healthy birds can fly except for Emus and Ostriches" deserves to be left in the box.

Did you know there are ...

* 666 panes of glass in the Louvre Pyramid.

* The Beast, personifying the devil or Satan himself, has always been considered as "the one who says always NO" ("NON" in French) to the achievement of the divine will. And if we dial "NON" (in French) on the telephone keyboard, we press three times on the number 6.

*The Germany-Soviet pact lasted 666 days, of August 23, 1939 to June 20, 1941.

* In physics, the constant of the universal gravitation is equal to 6.66 x 10E-11 N×M²/kg².

* The name of Hitler gives 666 if we give the value 100 to the letter A in the German alphabet, others letters following the order:

H I T L E R
107 108 119 111 104 117 = 666


And now the end is near and so I face the final curtain

For Inspiration

Wonderous new life
Gazes upon bright new world
What adventure waits?

Alcohol deadens
Brutalises once great minds
Leaving ugly Marks

Fast Food Nation

We are completely the Fast Food Nations.
Munching sloppy burgers and greasy chips
Covered in cheese, garlic and fatty dips.
We demand instant service; no patience.

Creating a generation in bad health.
Slovenly couch bound; box remotes in hand,
Ass getting fatter, increasing waist band.
The Scythe Man, comes closer, slowly in stealth.

So, Empty your biscuit tins and beer kegs.
No more pizza, curries, heart clogging pies.
Walk instead of drive. Remember your legs?
A little exercise will change your size.

Ultimately, your lifestyle choice is nigh,
Decide whether you want to Live; to Die.

Have you ever dared
To travel north of two mile?
Haiku rap battle


Composing Haiku.
Fun; Interesting Challenge.
Atrophied mind sparks

Big Brother

Watching Contestants
Big Brothers Little Brother
Lets expel the bores

Davina McCall
Presents Fridays departure
of loud mouth Lisa

Time passes quickly.
bodies erode; Chances missed.
Capture the moments.

An homage to the Bard and the trout!

If trouties be the food of love, fish on!
Give me a 9ft rod, that fishing may set my stresses free

Troutie, Troutie , where for art thou Troutie

Friends, Romans and fishermen, lend me your flies!

When shall we three fish again?
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

airconditioning
apparently software bug
Oh! sweet irony

Fairest dimension we place all our trust
Our productivity we must increase
All interfaces true, this is a must
Discord systems reduce,control,decrease
With coke and hope, clear specs, our only fuel
Programmers, analysts together brought
Was ever there a project born so cruel?
A plan ,illusion, now there is a thought
How can those terrified vague fingers push
The sticky keys whence code and wisdom flies?
And how can work, laid in that white hot rush,
Be naught but wrong,where error lives and lies?
To sleep, to wake, to work, to code, to sleep
Completely mad,designed to make us weep

[But I am not Bitter]

Weeping Manchester
M56 crash; life fades
People, please slow down!

Manchester Winter
Arrived in Sweet Bright Summer
Seasons do not stop

News Link

we're gonna get you little fishy
we're gonna get you little fishy
knock you on the head
put you in some bread
we're gonna get you little fishy

I am gonna get out more ..... in honor if this weekends activities

haiku style SQL

SELECT pain,despair
FROM work,dimension,project
WHERE life = mine

I have to get out more.....

The OT crown slips ... just a little ..

He came, young footballer, great decision
No fanfare or press - without any plan
He grew into a player and a man
A sweet right foot, great vision
Commitment to team, manager and club
He played, he scored, won games and all our hearts
Seven passed, when eric, our king departs,
The king is gone, long live new king, not sub.
Along came the not so posh skinny thing.
Silly haircuts, sarongs and fashion soon --
replaced free kicks and double training
One too many front page star, and poor crossing;
And so the boot flew -- quickly changing scene
Now James VIII is a real spanish king.

Dimension - A sonnet

All things must fade. There is for most software
The same tomorrow as for a-regans:
Meetings pass, docs written, nothing good pans.
Our Dot Com shiny toys yet shall fare
Like shattered dreams of youth. A deep breath,
Most bosses defend their expensive thrills
And though young coders vaunt their upstart skills,
The whiff of our defeat shall entice death.
So--from IS2 to scud we prance
With heavy hearts we shuffle in the dark
Alongside Dimension, fanfare pipes,
Sick of her year long march of arrogance,
With too many bugs, and no likely spark
Her epigraph upon our cv types.


(Italian form) abbabbacdecde

REF 20030710020338483122

A throughly miserable sonnet in the style of Yukio Mashima, facist nutcase.

On a pier composing haiku not remembered
Haijin fishwives contemplate grief and loss
Gutting Red Snapper, throwing back the head
Holding off bad luck by feeding albatross
She sits dreaming, hands burned by the red suns heat
Ephemeral thoughts and long nothingness
She sits empty, Dreaming of young stockinged feet
Her old heart never feeling passions kind caress
A solice is found quite unexpectedly
In welcoming arms of death, her lungs fill
Salt water a release, the old woman not angry
At her saviours that learned how to kill
The ripples fade, the lady not remembered
A long life forgotton, but never really heard.

our sweaty butt cracks
warm sticky air floats about
please fix the A.C.


-- Note Office temp 26c.

Inspired by Sharon

No breeze all day to tease us,
Sweaty summer palm,
Conditioned to feel no air

Sharks probably fish

The French don't like anyone,

Even their own kids

Expression tru the medium of SQL ...


MERGE INTO HATE
USING DIMENSION
ON ( HATE.KEY = DIMENSION.KEY)
WHEN MATCHED THEN
UPDATE
SET loathing = 10 ,
frustration = 10
WHEN NOT MATCHED THEN
INSERT ( KEY, LOATHING,FRUSTRATION)
VALUES ( DIMENSION.KEY, DIMENSION.LOATHING,DIMENSION.FRUSTRATION);




select f**k||technology
from computers
where system = dimension

[Kearney]

Mon 30/06/03 18:29

There was an old brit called mark
who liked to fish in the dark
with muddy wellies of green
that had to be seen
he wondered "what the hell is a quark"!

[Michael]

Wed 02/07/03 16:52

There once was a fat man called Kearney
Who really did hate Mary Harney
He'd flash her his wares
Cause security scares
And get shot in the head by the army

[Kearney]

Fri 27/06/03 12:48

There was an English man named Kearney,
Who when working on Dimension went Barmey,
He went to Kildare street
Whipped out his meat
And waggled it for Mary Harney.

[Conor]

Fri 04/07/03 17:59

There once was a man called Murnane,
Went to Cuba, came back with no tan,
In the sack with Sinead,
Is where he had stayed,
Starting on his very own Clan

[Kearney]

Michael Hates Foreigners

Kearney hates turks.

Conor hates Scissors.

see the mad mother f***er
dimension, his dessert
cries for his mother

A brachycatalectic haiku by Kearney ...

82.6% of statistics are made up on the spot.

Scandanavia has a high suicide rate because the nights are six months long.

All Turks are mad.

In Turkey if a man performs a penetrative act on another man it does not make him gay.

Aids was caused by men in the congo having marital relations with monkeys.

The spire is the worlds largest sculpture.

The big toe is the most important toe for balance when walking.

Lee Harvey oswald worked alone.

Ireland is the greediest country in the world.