You can't make this shit up.

Including 16 page booklet outling the history of 'The Troubles'

This is the Day
The Patriot Game
The Song of Partition
Chidren of Fear
Sunday Bloody Sunday
Plastic Bullets
The Men Behind the Wire
The Lough Sheelin Eviction
Go Home Bristish Soldiers
Danny Boy (The Derry Air)
Star of the County Down
In Belfast
Up the Border
The Green Glens of Antrim
The Old Orange Flute
The Old Brigade Dance Medley
The Old Brigade / On the One Road /
The Broad Black Brimmer/Celtic Symphony
Disc 2

Lament for the lost
We Shall Overcome
You’ll Never Beat the Irish Part III
Tyrone
Must Ireland Divided Be
Song of Liberty
The Orange and the Green
Long Kesh
The Sash Me Father Wore
Fermanagh Love Song
Hills of Glenswilly
Joe Mc Donnell
County of Armagh
Guildford Four
Billy Reid
Up the Rebels Dance Medley
Teddy Bears Head / Helicopter Song
Sean South / A Nation Once Again

The Wolfe Tones have a new 2CD album out for christmas. This really really is beyond parody. "Plastic Bullets?" Catchy! I liked the name so much I went I found the lyrics. I imagine that it is sung the same tune as the rest of their shit.

Plastic Bullets

So you divided up my land
Six counties stayed in England's hand
And so you take my home
But you cannot take my mind
Then you tried to keep me down
With your tanks and guns in my streets and towns
And you shoot your plastic bullets
To keep your plastic state

(Chorus)
In Ireland's troubled land
Each decade brings its rebel band
And forces of the crown
They try to bring them down
But the flowers will bloom again
And the people they will rise again
And then you shot him down
So all the world could see

Does it matter how you kill
You make the rules it is your will
But let your plastic bullets
To kill it's all the same
Oh I could not believe my eyes
You took those young lads by surprise
The way you shot them down
That day in Derry town

(Chorus)

Oh some justice we did seek
A place for all to live in peace
An island in the sea
Where people could be free
But you can not be proud
The way you shot him to that ground
A nightmare you shot them down
That night in Belfast town

(Chorus)

Then shoot me, shoot me down
Because I made my colors known
And I heard the mercy cry
Where people in fear do lie
In anger then he ran
With the banner stick all in his hand
And then you shot him down
And all the world could see

The day you shot Séan Dowd
That day in Belfast town

Available in all good record stores, and all shit ones too. Except on the Shankhill road, or maybe Lurgan.

The badly drawn fire safety manual

What to do in event of fire? Follow this badly drawn guide.

Say you work on the top floor of a four story building shaped like a horseshoe with an atrium in the middle, how would you get out?

1. Take the stairs



Verdict: Good. You’re out. Let’s make things harder.

2. There is a fire on the ground floor exits are blocked. Take the lift?



Verdict: Bad. You are stuck in the lift and probably dead.



3. Don’t panic



Verdict: Good. Very Douglas Adams, but you need a clear head to escape this towering inferno, and Steve McQueen isn’t going to help you.

4. To the roof?



Verdict: Good. Break the glass and take the steps to the roof. Follow the arrows on to the neighbouring roof, and slide down a handy awning to safety

5. But the roofs on fire?



Verdict: You’re fucked. Ring your loved ones, Break glass and jump.

Theres only one Dr Bonkers

If you find yourself feeling sorry for the Rev Paisley over the coming festive season. Remember these snippits of wisdom.

When Terence O'Neill held a meeting with Sean Lemass, Paisley shouted "No mass! No Lemass!"

After a Loyalist rally in 1968, Ian Paisely justified his violent anti-Catholic pleas by saying, "Catholic homes caught fire because they were loaded with petrol bombs; Catholic churches were attacked and burned because they were arsenals and priests handed out sub-machine guns to parishioners; and the massive discrimination in employment and shortage of houses for Catholics were simply because they breed like "rabbits" and multiply like "vermin".

In reference to the Unionist party's Jewish candidate, Harold Smith, he said, "The Unionist party are boasting he [Harold Smith] is a Jew. As a Jew, he rejects our Lord Jesus Christ, the New Testament, Protestant principles, the Glorious Reformation and the sanctity of the Lord's day. The Protestant throne and the Protestant constitution are nothing to him."

In 1968, in a heated debate with the fierce Republican Bernadette Devlin, he responded to her accusations of his unfair assumptions by saying he, "would rather be British than be fair."

During a visit from the Pope, Ian Paisley yelled "I denounce you. Anti-Christ" several times at the European Parliament. The whole affair can be heard on sermonaudio.com

Of cousrse he can be funny as well.....

"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds."

"Line dancing is as sinful as any other type of dancing, with its sexual gestures and touching. It is an incitement to lust."

Ill leave it upto someone else ....

"If the word 'No' was removed from the English language, Ian Paisley would be
speechless"

-- John Hume

Finding yourself in a real life dismal irish novel

We've all read them: I was born poor, raised miserable, I didn't enjoy my life and then I died. Here are a few boring anecdotes from the protagonist's life.

I went to see a house with Sinéad the other day, and unwittingly became a character in a rather creepy irish novel.

The house was a small stone cottage on about 1 acre. An offer was in for €280,000. I said "no" from the outside. If I thought the outside was bad, the inside was worse.

Before we went in, another couple viewing the place came out and gave us "the eyes". I think they were trying to convey the horror within.

Two men were crammed in the kitchen with a baby, we entered with estate agent and shook their hands. They told us the kitchen was five years old, this estimate was presumably in dog years.

We saw the rest of the cottage in three minutes. In the sitting room cum corridor/bedroom ante-chamber the women of the house was standing by the fireplace smoking a fag. She told us this little story:

"See this fireplace? Original. My father built it with his own hands. Fourteen years dead today. I remember it. It's my mother's birthday. I have a candle lighting for him here."

We left, and shall not be putting in an offer.

10 Things I could own without selling my house

Here is a list of ten things that I could own with out selling my house.

The rules of my completely made up game are:
1)I'd like them
2)I could buy them
3)I'm not going to buy them
4)It is very unlikely that anyone else will buy them for me

I realise that all the items on the list are probably a little geeky. So what? It's my list.


A complete set of 2000ad (STG£1,250)

A room full of comics - ($9,999)

Château d'Yquem, Sauternes - 1959 - (€2,330)

Mindball (140,000 SKK - €15,000)

Galaga Cocktail Arcade Game (€1,995)

Lithograph No.1: Neil Gaiman
By Dave Sim & Neil Gaiman ($1,025)

One of those stupid sony dogs (STG£1,399)

A fully stocked saltwater fish tank (€5,000+)

Dirk Pitt's Orange face Doxa Dive Watch ($1,149)

Nexstar 11GPS telescope (€6,728)

From whence you came – A reply

Samantha Mumba

Probably you came here looking for images of Samantha Mumba, the patron saint of traffic, apparently. Sadly we get a lot of hits for this image and considering that the single picture we have of her is a very bosomy one, I humbly suggest you are a bunch of very frustrated guys. Very frustrated guys who are bored in work by the looks of things.

Thanks for the traffic guys.

Google medicals in Kent

I respectfully suggest you do not know how to use the internet. Typing into a generic search engine “Google medicals in Kent” is not a google search. Still, I hope that the Mills & Boon riff you ended up with made you laugh.

Thanks for the traffic guy.

Rental accomadation in Castlerea

Your bad spelling of accommodation brought you to our site. One of Michael’s posts is responsible for our spelling mistake, I’m leaving it stand. I hope you enjoyed me giving out about the killing of Garda McCabe in Castlerea, and that this didn’t stop you from visiting what, I am sure, is a perfectly wonderful town.

Thanks for the traffic guy.

"Most expensive element" Californium

You knew what you were looking for and I had done the research on this. It was a pleasant change that someone came looking for some information and got rewarded with exactly what they were looking for.

Thanks for the traffic guy.

Ho Chi Minh City blowjob

What the hell are you looking for fella? Going on holiday soon? Reading Michael’s diaries got you this far, but I don’t think we can help. Pervert.

Thanks(!) for the traffic guy.

Poetry on drugs, pain

This has come up a couple of times, courtesy of HotBot. I can’t find what page it brings you to, as the referrer tag seems to be broke. Not much poetry here now, but here is a haiku about drugs just in case you come back:

Hard drugs are brilliant
Take heroin and cocaine
Get out of your head

Hope this helps!

Thanks for the traffic guy.

Poetry John Hatcher

This brought you to Marked for Death starring Steven Seagal as John Hatcher. I seriously doubt this was what you were looking for. Sorry to waste you time. I have no idea who the real John Hatcher is.

Thanks for the traffic guy

Text-Based Adventure - Dublin

>Look

You are in O’Connell Street. There are a suspiciously large amount of new trees here. There is a large spike in the middle of the street. On your left is the GPO, Ann Summers is on your right. Every other shop sells fast food.

>Go East

You are in Sherrif Street. There are a group of young men looking at you.

>Look at young men

The young men look like they mean business.

>Talk to young men

Rather then talk to you the young men rob you and beat you senseless. You come round half an hour later. You are in the gutter.

>Go North

You need to get out of the gutter first.

>Get out of the gutter

You get out of the gutter and brush yourself off. Your head clears. You are still in Sherrif Street. The young men are no longer here.

>Call Guards

With what? The young men took your phone.

>Go North

You are in Drumcondra. There is a public house here.

>Enter Pub

You go into the pub. Bertie is here. There is a bar menu.

>Talk to Bertie

Bertie is very genial.

>Talk to Bertie

Bertie is very genial.

>Buy Bertie a Bass

Bertie warms up considerably. He regales you with stories of his days as Finance Minister.

>Buy Bertie a Bass

Bertie warms up considerably. He regales you with stories of his days as Finance Minister, and then as his days as Taoiseach. He gives you a pass to the Dail Bar.

>Leave Pub.

You are in Drumcondra. There is a public house here.

>Go East

You are in Clontarf. The Yacht Bar is here.

>Go East

You cannot go that way.

>Go North

You are on the Howth Road. From here you can see Bull Island and St. Annes Park.

>Go North

You are on the Howth Road. There is nothing to see here.

>Go West

You are in Darndale. There are a group of young men looking at you.

>Talk to young men

You just don’t learn do you? Rather then talk to you the young men rob you and beat you senseless. You come round half an hour later. You are in the gutter.

>Go North

You need to get out of the gutter first.

>Get out of the gutter

You get out of the gutter and brush yourself off. Your head clears. You are still in Darndale. The young men are no longer here.

>Call Guards

If you still had your phone, the young men that just beat you up would have taken it. You notice you Dail Bar pass is gone.

>Quit

Concept Albums

White,Red,Me

Have Faith
Right where I want Him
Calling the Devil
Spacehopper
Big Oaks
Boy, Trust the Doctor
White Arts
Free Will
Warm, Warm Days




My City

Bloody Sunday, Good Friday
Dirty Protest
White Snow, Red Blood (Those Derry fields)
I beat him like a Black and Tan
H-Block Lullaby
Filthy Peelers
Orange Crush
Seperation Hurts
My City
Santa doesn't come to the English
Lonely in prision
A maze in Grace
Dangerous Presents



Ugly Things

i've had enough
grounds for violence
bored to tears
pain in heaven
happy
forged by sadness
abstracts
sleep forever
endorphin rush
sneaker



Grey on Grey

ROUND and AROUND
BLUES, BLUES and YOU
JUST LIKE YOU to GO THAT WAY
WATCHING WOMEN on TV
GIVEN TIME to BELIEVE
LONELY EYED PROUD BEAUTY
FINALLY I GET to LEAVE
WATCH IT as IT PASSES

Mark's guide to drink....and drinking

- happy-happy joy juice

It's not normal! strong dutch beer ... no wonder they were to incapacitated to fight Hitler. Remeber this is the country with very liberal drugs culture .. no wonder... you try drinking eight pints ..everything goes dark,except for the bright light, oh yeah and dont forget the voices.

ABV Doesnt matter, radioactive and possibly pschoactive

- wife beater

beloved of english football hooligans - a few pints goes down v well after a cooked breakfast (roma cafe leyton). Gets its name from the rise in domestic violence recorded in the uk after it went on sale .Allegedly.

ABV 5.2%

- ashtray lager

When there is nothing else available drink this - tastes the same in every bar in the world - may as well be drinking from an ashtray.

ABV 4.5% approx

- fighting irish beer

Bizzarely seen in London as the basis for 'fighting irish' stories. Low alcohol pct but other side effects recorded include;

Melancholy
Hatred of the english
Christy Moore

ABV 4%

- something for the ladies

Nuff said - if you drink this you probably are a lady - personally I prefer a good Montrachet.

ABV 12-15% - and who said girls can't drink?

50 First Date Rapes

Genre: Psychological Horror

Stars: Adam Sandler (Henry Roth); Drew Barrymore (Lucy Whitmore);

Review:
Henry Roth (Sandler) plays an emotionally crippled misogynist who preys on vulnerable women. We first meet him when he is breaking up with a one-night stand. Unable to interact in any meaningful way, or commit for any period of time, he is breaking up by concocting an involved fantasy. The parallels between Henry Roth and (American Psycho) Patrick Bateman are immediately obvious.

Roth goes into a restaurant and meets his dream girl in the form of Lucy (Drew Barrymore). Roth uses all his normal lines to draw in his quarry. He arranges to meet her the next day.

When he returns, things have got better. It turns out Lucy had been in an accident over a year ago and only has short term memory of one day. Roth realises that he has met his perfect woman. If he can insinuate himself into her life, he can get victimise this women all he wants without fear of long-term commitment.

Lucy is surrounded by well-meaning but ineffectual ‘friends.’ Her Father and Brother have long since given up hope and placate their own existence by keeping Lucy in an artificial time-warp; when she arrives home, all is like it was the day before. They half-heartedly to dissuade Roth from pursuing Lucy, but eventually cave in. This is in part a mixture of Roth’s sublime confidence trickery, and their weakness. Perhaps they see a way to remove some of the Horror from their own lives.

The film ends with Roth virtually abducting Lucy from a mental asylum. He does this with the permission of Lucy’s Father and the asylum doctor. The real horror here is ease with which the director makes the audience think that Roth is doing a decent, sweet thing.

The film does not have a happy ending. Lucy ends up pregnant, trapped on Henry’s boat in the Arctic. She continues to wake up every day, here only perception of truth a video which Henry has ‘kindly’ made for her.

Roll Credits.

Planning - Eventually

Finally it arrived in the post today!
We received our planning permission for our new house. The application was lodged on 5th May 2004 so it will have taken us 24 weeks + the 4 weeks wait before starting to build to get planning instead of 8 weeks + the 4 weeks wait. My god planners are fussy B$£^&*ds.

Little background info:
I bought a site measuring 15M wide by 30M deep. Its a serviced site on a small estate about 40 sites in today. The idea is you buy the site and then build what ever you like on it the only stipulation was I was allowed build a 2 storey house where as others had to build dormer houses.

We employed an architect to do up some designs for us based on our needs. Eventually agreed on a design and plans were submitted to the planners. On the very last day of the 8 weeks we got a letter requesting Additional Information.

Basically they wanted us to lower the roof height 400mm and also we only had a gap of 1.3m down one side of the house and a gap of 1.1m down the other side of the house. They said that new planning regulation came in 2 weeks previous saying this had to be a minimum of 1.5m on both sides. This was never raised in the preplanning meeting that the architect had with the planner who said everything was fine, he had also said in same meeting that roof height was OK. As it turns out there are 5 house in total on my row I'm the middle house and also the only house of the five to get stung by the 1.5m rule between house and boundary as they had their planning in sooner than me, its just not fair. After messing around with the plans we had to remove 600mm or 2ft fro the side of the house, net result house is now 100sq ft smaller.

We then resubmitted the additional info, hoping we would know in another 4 weeks, but when the architect ran the planners towards the end of the 4 week period he was told. Additional Information turn around for Planning Permission is 4 week but Additional Information for Planning Approval (which was us as they was outlying planning on the site) is an 8 week turnaround. Well we received the letter today 1 day short of the 8 week deadline, they like going to the wire on these things eh.

Well now if I taught that the planning process was stressful then I'm really in for a shock when we start building or so I'm told. I'm sure you'll hear me rant on here over the next year about builders etc. Here's a look at the plans in case your interested.

Ground Floor



1st Floor

Steven Seagal

Reincarnation of a Buddist lama. Environmentalist. FatLiarMentalist. Wanted by the mob. Aikido master. He’s also (nominally) a movie star. I’ve also seen most of his movies (all of them up to 2002 in fact). So here is my guide to 14 years of Steven Seagal movies. All hail the world’s fattest action hero! All my reviews are from memory, so feel free to correct any factual inaccuracies by watching the movies yourself.

Nico (Above the Law) (1988) .... Nico Toscani

Tagline: He was a covert agent trained in Vietnam. He has a master 6th degree black belt in Aikido... and family in the Mafia. He's a cop with an attitude

Plot and Analysis:
This is Seagal’s breakthrough movie. He hadn’t discovered the cheeseburger yet, so is still quite slim. Slim and angry. Back from Vietnam where he worked for the CIA he gets told to keep out of a drug and bomb deal, his family get threatened a priest gets killed, and Nico goes spare and kills everyone. Allegedly the completely delusional Seagal really believed he was in the CIA and told everybody so. I remember one moment in this movie when he is surrounded by a bunch of bad-guys one of whom says “you can take us all!” whom he then shoots and says “Nope, but I can try!”

Total

4 Fat Buddas. Launched a legends career. Watch out for Pam Grier and Sharon Stone

Hard to Kill (1990) .... Mason Storm

Tagline: Nico's back and this time he's even more harder to kill.

Plot and Analysis:
Besides two outrageous errors in the tagline for this movie (Nico? He’s not in this movie, and more harder? Hello?) this has got to be Seagals finest hour. His wife and kid get killed at the beginning, Mason ends up in coma hidden in hospital by his boss. Kelly LeBrock (Seagal’s then-wife in real life) plays a nurse who enjoys taking a peek at his cock. Entertaining in every single way, there are many highlights in this movie: Mason recovering fully from a coma in a fortnight. Mason swapping his car with some Latinos. Mason realising the senator is the bad guy – “I’ll take you to the bank senator, the blood bank!”

Total

5 Fat Buddas. Unmissable.

Marked for Death (1990) .... John Hatcher

Tagline: In Above the Law, he got tough; In Hard to Kill, he got even; Now the man with the short fuse is... Marked For Death

Plot and Analysis:
Not messing with a good thing, Seagal remakes his first two movies again. This time with drugs and Jamaicans. His partner gets nailed (instead of his family, who narrowly escape death). A pattern has emerged. Best line? “I know you're a scumbag and a puke, I don't mind that, but give me what I need and I'll leave here a nice guy. If you don't, I'm gonna fuck you up.”

Total

2 Fat Bubbas. Watch the first two instead.

Out for Justice (1991) .... Detective Gino Felino

Tagline: He's a cop. It's a dirty job... but somebody's got to take out the garbage

Plot and Analysis:
Seagal playing a cop with an alliterative name remakes exactly the same movie a fourth time. This time it’s his best friend who bites the bullets (in front of wife and kids that’s what really annoys Gino Felino). There is a really OTT scene where Gino knocks a henchman’s teeth out with a pool-ball (“Motherfucker, you knocked my teeth out!”)

Total

2 Fat Buddas. Time to move on.

Under Siege (1992) .... Casey Ryback

Tagline: Steven Seagal is Under Siege!

Plot and Analysis:
The second laziest tagline of any Seagal movie. Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey on autopilot nicking a ship and targeting some city with its missiles. That girl from Baywatch shows off her breasts. Seagal for one film only pretends that he may actually be a movie star. He also cooks.

Total

5 Fat Buddas. Die hard on a boat.

On Deadly Ground (1994) .... Forrest Taft

Tagline: Steven Seagal is On Deadly Ground

Plot and Analysis:
The laziest tagline of all time introduces you to the first of Seagal’s environmental movies. Boy, this is shite! Michael Caine plays some oil magnate trying to displace Eskimos. Caine used to rape and pillage whole villages of children with Seagal, until Seagal had an epiphany after been rescued by some suspiciously non-ethnic ethnic Eskimos. Seagal then decides to single-handedly to destroy everything he sees by (in-turns), squinting at it, hitting it, or using his (now impressive) bulk to roll over it.

Total

2 Fat Buddas. Worth it to see Seagal pile on the pounds, and Michael Caine piss all over his career

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) .... Casey Ryback
Tagline: A top secret nuclear satellite. A team of international terrorists. A government held hostage. An undetectable moving headquarters. Only one hero stands in the way.

Plot and Analysis:
Steven remakes under siege, without the aid of that girl from Baywatch breasts. It must be a low point of your career when the fat mentalist Steven Seagal is more famous then your knockers.

Total

4 Fat Buddas. Worth it for Seagal outrunning gravity.

Executive Decision (1996) .... Lt. Col. Austin Travis
Tagline: Fasten your seat belts

Plot and Analysis:
He’s not in this a lot. Kurt Russell plays some suit-type, Seagal a commando. Some people rate this the best movie in his career. Go figure.

Total

3 Fat Buddas. Seagal the hero.

Glimmer Man, The (1996) .... Jack Cole

Tagline: Two good cops. One bad situation.

Plot and Analysis:
Seagal mixes up his genres here. On one hand he’s the Buddist eco-warrior, on the other he is an ex-assassin. The title comes from Seagal’s ability to sneak through the forest and you’d see a ‘glimmer’ and then be killed. Keenan Wayans is Seagal’s sidekick who has to trust him even when Seagal’s prints are found all over his mutilated ex-wife. Seagal also (in a comic moment) makes Wayans eat powdered deer penis. Seriously.

Total

2 Fat Buddas. Seagal kills someone with a credit card

Fire Down Below (1997) .... Jack Taggart

Tagline: Beneath a land of wealth and beauty hides a secret that could kill millions. Undercover has never run so deep.

Plot and Analysis
A remake of “On Deadly Ground”. Boy, this is shite! Michael Caine Kris Kristofferson plays some oil toxic waste magnate trying to displace Eskimos small town folk. Caine used to rape and pillage whole villages of children with Seagal, until Seagal had an epiphany after been rescued by some suspiciously non-ethnic ethnic Eskimos. Seagal (an environmental protection agent) then decides to single-handedly to destroy everything he sees by (in-turns), squinting at it, hitting it, or using his (now impressive) bulk to roll over it.

Total

2 Fat Buddas. Worth it for Kristofferson and Seagal having a squint-a-thon

Patriot, The (1998/I) .... Dr. Wesley McClaren

Tagline: Every second counts.

Plot and Analysis:
Boy, this is boring. Boring. Boooooooorrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg. Seagal races against time to find a cure of a virus or something. Not even funny.

Total

1 Fat Buddas. Avoid.

Exit Wounds (2001) .... Orin Boyd

Tagline: What Can Two Men Do Against A Gang Of Crooked Cops? Whatever It Takes

Plot and Analysis:
Seagal is a cop that does what ever it takes to get the job done. He gets demoted after throwing the Vice President off a bridge. He ends up in the worst precinct in NY, the Fifteenth. Soon he is beating the crap out of folk, chasing after DMX and in anger management classes with Tom Arnold. During the course of all this he does some rope work, and dodges a bullet.

Total

3 Fat Buddas. Getting back on track.

Ticker (2001) .... Glass

Tagline:?

Plot and Analysis:
By Christ this is bad. Really, really bad. Dennis Hopper plays some (Irish?) bomber, who seems to have an identity crisis (South-African maybe?). Tom Sizemore took a break from beating up hookers to sleepwalk thorough this as the cop looking for Hopper (Russian?). Steven Seagal is too fat to stand up in any scene and is replaced by a quite obvious body double when any action starts. Badly made rubbish. Rubbish. Rubbish.

Total
0 Fat Buddas. Rubbish. Absolute Tosh.

Half Past Dead (2002) .... Sasha

Tagline: The Good. The Bad. And the Deadly

Plot and Analysis:
The last Seagal movie I have seen. Seagal tries to replicate the success of Exit Wounds by teaming up with another rapper (Ja-Rule). Ja-Rule and Sasha (Seagal) get sent to prison. Then (if I remember correctly) loads of other criminals break into prison looking for hidden gold, and Seagal kicks the shit out them. Notable for the use of extreme close up and favourable lighting when showing Seagal.

Total

2 Fat Buddas. It’s no Exit Wounds