Baby Murnane

Baby Murnane born today @ 2:24pm weighing in at 7lb 4oz

Now Conor you'll know the meaning of sleepness nights !!!

To my German fans

"Dear Herren,

I humbly apologise if you have come here looking for pornography. I have no idea why the German Yahoo image search should be guiding you towards us on your quest for all-too personal gratification, but now that you are here you may as well read on. I am talking to you.

I am truly sorry I cannot offer you a “porno pet” or a “little porno” (Ugh! By the way! Little porno? Seek help) or indeed some “Asian porno”. I can offer you some “Buffy porno” but I don’t think it is what you are looking for. I would really like to know what you were going to do with the pictures of “fat Ukrainian women with gold teeth” though. I seriously hope that this was for a project of some kind, but since you were using the search engine “xxx.excite.de” I find it difficult to give you the benefit of the doubt.

I find it marginally upsetting that I am getting about 5% of my meagre traffic from sexually-frustrated Germans. I imagine that you find it equally frustrating that all I am providing you with is tirades against Irish politics and less-than-insightful articles about my neuroses. However, I imagine you liked the article about the Eurovision. Perhaps soon I’ll do a piece on David Hasselhoff.

I suspect that the folks at Yahoo.de are in the midst of some sort of Teutonic-Anthropology experiments with you as the white mice, so to speak. I would send them a mail to ask them, but perhaps I am part of the study as well. Best keep schtum in case they send the search-engine SS around to burn down our houses.

Anyway, sorry I couldn’t give you the filth you were looking for. Please accept a picture of Marlene Dietrich dressed like a man as an apology. Don’t try stalking her or following her home, she’s dead.

Auf wiedersehen,

C."

Baby Books TBP

From inside:

“Make sure not to have your baby circumcised. Otherwise, this could lead to major problems in later life when your child is in the communal showers after a particularly vigorous march against the rights of single mothers. The foreskin is a potent symbol of fascism and any able-bodied brown shirted male should be able to fit at least three marbles under the dermal hood. If problems with the foreskin should occur, it should be drilled into your child from an early age not to reveal his dirty little secret to anybody and that he should overcompensate when participating in a tramp beating. A prosthetic-penis or plastic surgery could also be considered.

If the baby is born with any colour hair that is not blond, make sure the scalp is shaved daily. Blond can be worn with pride (but not too much pride), but only if kept closely cropped. All other hair should not be allowed grow more then one centimetre. I once was called into a house where the baby’s black hair was let grow to shoulder length. I was forced to trim the baby’s hair to the scalp with a Swiss-army knife. The baby is a lot more content now, and the scars are healing nicely.”

Testimonials

“Little Benito was banned from church by the age of eight, we couldn’t have done it with out you” – Alessandro Mussolini

“I could have survived with it” – Eva Braun

“A lovely primer. P.S Thanks for the reference” – Enid Blyton

The New House

Seeing as you all asking me how its coming along, I've decided to post a picture of the new house as of 08:12 this morning.

As you can see from the picture first floor blockwork is complete.
The reason for no blocks on the front left of the house and just exposed insulation its because the front windows are being framed with Hallmark blocks , we're going for the Nikel blend colour but they delivered Pewter by mistake which is what you can see on the palletts.

Current estimate by the builder is to be finished by start August, and so far everyting is on track, so fingers crossed. Watch out for the next phase comming soon, First Floor block work complete, followed soon by Roof.

Everyone is a little bit Irish, except, of course, for the gays and the Italians

All this drinking, violence, destruction of property...
are these the things that we think of when we think of the Irish?

The day after St.Patrick's Day. Nice.

Gardaí from Store Street in Dublin said they arrested 70 people yesterday and that this was much higher than normal. Most were for minor offences.

Man held over Galway city stabbing
A 17-year-old is in a critical but stable condition in hospital after being stabbed in Galway city last night.

18 held over disorderly behaviour in Belfast
Police say 18 people were arrested yesterday and overnight in Belfast for disorderly behaviour in the university area of the city.

Limerick city, 52 people were arrested overall with seven taken into custody after a fight broke out at a bar in the city centre.

Gardaí and the ambulance service were also called to break up a fight between around 25 people on an evening train.
Two trains had to be taken out of service after windows were smashed.

Two in hospital after Dublin knife attack
Two people were taken to hospital following a knife attack in Artane in north Dublin last night.

Male Heterosexual Eurovision Fan Society

Got a nasty problem?

Nobody understands?

Join the Male Heterosexual Eurovision Fan Society for only €29.99.



What do I get?

• A card validating your Heterosexual right to watch and enjoy the Eurovision song contest (complete with hologram of Johnny Logan)
• A welcome pack, detailing past Eurovision highlights. Complete with “Chris Doran was robbed (Nice Change!)” 100% XXL Nylon T-Shirt
• Access to the support network
• A signed photograph of Johnny Logan
• An audience with Dana about the dangers of birth control
• Tickets to the next Eurovision (not including flights)
• A signed apology from Dave Fanning for allowing the deliverance twins to win You’re a star
• The respect of your 4 peers

Nice home by the Sea

Anybody interested in a buying a nice home close to the sea in the lovely seaside town of Tramore.

Click here for more details

So you’ve stolen too much cash? 10 ways to dispose of it.

1. Burn it in your back garden
2. Fill a duffle bag and give to a friend to hold for a while. Tell him not to peek inside.
3. Bring it to a (retired) RUC sports and social club and stick it in a locker. Tip off the PSNI.
4. Buy a holiday home in Roosky, Co.Roscommon. Only one window to replace. Going cheap.
5. Bring it to Cheltenham. Hope the bookies will take large bets.
6. Hire the worlds best spin doctor in the world to try and provide credibility to your outrageous lies.
7. Buy a rifle to go with all those bullets you have lying about.
8. Stuff it in soap boxes and take it for a drive.
9. Finance a stock brokering operation in Cork.
10. Give it back with a note saying “A Chara. Sorry, we didn’t expect to steal so much. Our bad. Is mise le meas”

10 things you should know about buying a house

1.Everything you’ve heard it true. Buying a house is a painful, hateful process. Hate the process, not yourself, it is largely out of your control anyway
2.Get a broker, even a weird anti-social slightly psychotic one. They’ll talk to the banks so you don’t have to
3.Ignore everyone. If your paperwork is in order, tell everybody else that everybody else is holding things up
4.Praise the Lord that guns are illegal in this country. It must save a lot of peoples skins
5.Amnesiac monkey estate agents are the bane of your life. Prepare to have the same conversation 47,892 times
6.You are buying a house, it will become a home later. Repeat this like a mantra
7.Bitch a lot to other people that have not bought a house yet, it’ll terrify them and be cathartic for you
8.Relax; if it falls through it’s probably not your fault and fuck ‘em anyway
9.Trying to move out of one house; into another; have a baby; rent the existing place; re-mortgage; buy furniture; pack; paint; clean and remain cheerful is a challenge, but not impossible
10.Be cool, you’ll look back and realise that you hated every moment of it, but it was worth it.

House of pain

I decided to make a picture of how I feel about the house buying process. I came up with the picture below, which I call "Hope". Hope encompasses all the feelings I have towards amnesiac monkey estate agents, weird aggressive brokers and pushy sellers. I think it is probably the most complex thing I have ever drawn.



Hmm. Could be darker. Turn off your monitor, turn off the lights and close your eyes for full effect. If you would like sound, try emitting a low pained moaning while dragging your fingernails down a blackboard.