Christmas Party Last Night

Here is a quick picture summary.

MoByeBye

All,

Thanks to all who donated. We raised TEAM TOTAL EUR €6,610.01, which puts our team 2nd in Ireland. Doubled (for those who studied French) is €13220.02

No small potatoes. Site stays open till the 8th. My personal tally puts me 55th in Ireland which is still pretty sweet.

Conor

Spitz and Me

All of you probably know that I swimming the channel. You may or may not know that I am also (and more impressively) sporting a moustache for the month of November. It's for charity.

You can donate here: http://ie.movember.com/mospace/1764636

In the meantime here is a brief list of the differences between myself and Mark Spitz

Spitz	Conor
Won 9 olympic gold medals	Has been (as yet) overlooked for selection
7 olympic gold medals won in a single games	Has been (cruelly) overlooked for selection
Named World Swimmer of the Year in 1969, 1971 and 1972	Not in contention for 2008. Fuckin’ Phelps.
Swam at Waikiki Beach every day. "You should have seen that little boy dash into the ocean. He'd run like he was trying to commit suicide	I also swim like I am trying to commit suicide
By the early age of 10, held 17 national age-group and one world record	I have some 1st place rosettes from pony camp
Was nicknamed "Mark the Shark" by his teammates.	Teammates don’t tell him his nickname to his face.
Retired at 22	Will be lucky to retire at 65
Had a moustache because they were the times	Times have changed, can you sponsor me please?

Spitz looks like this:



I look like this:

MPG

Hey! Look at this. My body gets 42mpg.

42 miles per gallon

Created by The Car Connection

Beards

Beards.

twentylbaversary

To celebrate losing 20lbs, and to really bore the tits off everybody, here is a list of all the exercise I did to lose the weight.

Weight lost: 9.5kg (21lbs)
Time: 124 days. (4 months)
Total Calories burnt: 32534 Kcal
Total Combined Distance: 441.76km (275miles)

DATE	ACTIVITY	DISTANCE	CALORIES
16/10/2008	Swim - Laps Laps / Swimming Pool	1.00 km.	571
16/10/2008	Swim - TI Drills Pool Games / Lessons	0.00 km.	490
16/10/2008	Gym - Weights Weights - Upper Body	0.00 km.	245
16/10/2008	Gym - Abs Class - Abs	0.00 km.	119
15/10/2008	Gym - Running Cardio - Treadmill	5.75 km.	600
14/10/2008	Gym - Weights Weights - Upper Body	0.00 km.	245
14/10/2008	Gym - Abs Class - Abs	0.00 km.	144
12/10/2008	TI Lessons Pool Games / Lessons	0.75 km.	1,000
11/10/2008	TI Drills Pool Games / Lessons	0.75 km.	1,000
10/10/2008	Gym - Weights Weights - Upper Body	0.00 km.	246
10/10/2008	Gym - Run Cardio - Treadmill	2.20 km.	220
09/10/2008	Gym - Rowing Cardio - Rowing Machine	3.00 km.	180
09/10/2008	Gym - Running Cardio - Treadmill	3.00 km.	300
09/10/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.80 km.	287
07/10/2008	Gym - Bike Cardio - Bike	5.00 km.	115
07/10/2008	Abs Class Class - Abs	0.00 km.	120
07/10/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.50 km.	193
07/10/2008	Gym - Rowing Cardio - Rowing Machine	2.20 km.	150
07/10/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	3.00 km.	300
06/10/2008	Gym- Weights Weights - Upper Body	0.00 km.	165
06/10/2008	Gym - Run Cardio - Treadmill	3.00 km.	300
03/10/2008	Gym -Weights Weights - Upper Body	0.00 km.	165
03/10/2008	Gym - Run Cardio - Treadmill	1.70 km.	170
02/10/2008	Swim - TI Drills Recovery and Form	0.00 km.	200
02/10/2008	Gym - Elliptical Cardio - Elliptical	0.70 km.	173
02/10/2008	Gym - Rowing Cardio - Rowing Machine	2.20 km.	137
02/10/2008	Abs Class Class - Abs	0.00 km.	121
30/09/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.60 km.	193
28/09/2008	Long Run Long Run 2	21.07 km.	1,901
27/09/2008	River Run Quick Run	5.34 km.	488
25/09/2008	Swim Open Water	0.00 km.	125
25/09/2008	Class - Abs Class - Abs	0.00 km.	146
25/09/2008	Gym - Rowing Cardio - Rowing Machine	3.00 km.	180
25/09/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	3.00 km.	300
23/09/2008	Abs Class Class - Abs	0.00 km.	121
23/09/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.80 km.	291
23/09/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	4.20 km.	450
20/09/2008	Cycle Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride 2	23.08 km.	776
19/09/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	5.25 km.	550
19/09/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	1.12 km.	388
17/09/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	5.10 km.	565
16/09/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.80 km.	292
16/09/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	4.00 km.	465
15/09/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	5.00 km.	600
15/09/2008	Gym Cardio - Bike	5.00 km.	100
12/09/2008	Swim+ Laps / Swimming Pool	0.60 km.	292
12/09/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	4.00 km.	460
11/09/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.70 km.	438
11/09/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	3.00 km.	315
11/09/2008	Gym Cardio - Bike	5.00 km.	97
09/09/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.60 km.	438
06/09/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.40 km.	195
06/09/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	3.00 km.	250
20/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	5.15 km.	600
18/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	2.85 km.	345
18/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Rowing Machine	2.25 km.	136
18/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Elliptical	1.00 km.	185
15/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Elliptical	1.00 km.	250
15/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	2.10 km.	240
15/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Rowing Machine	1.50 km.	90
13/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Treadmill	1.25 km.	145
13/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Rowing Machine	1.50 km.	90
13/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Elliptical	1.20 km.	275
12/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Elliptical	1.00 km.	235
12/08/2008	gym Cardio - Rowing Machine	3.00 km.	166
11/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Rowing Machine	2.00 km.	120
11/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Elliptical	2.00 km.	300
10/08/2008	Cycle - Celbridge - Leixlip Road Cycling - Light Intensity	18.43 km.	669
08/08/2008	gym Cardio - Rowing Machine	3.00 km.	170
08/08/2008	gym Cardio - Elliptical	2.50 km.	480
07/08/2008	gym Cardio - Rowing Machine	2.20 km.	120
07/08/2008	gym Cardio - Elliptical	2.50 km.	475
06/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Elliptical	2.50 km.	450
05/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Elliptical	2.50 km.	400
04/08/2008	Ride - Castletown - Leixlip - Maynooth Road Cycling - Medium Intensity	20.04 km.	676
02/08/2008	Cycle Road Cycling - Medium Intensity	18.92 km.	508
01/08/2008	Cardio - Rowing Machine Cardio - Rowing Machine	1.00 km.	63
01/08/2008	Gym Cardio - Elliptical	2.00 km.	282
31/07/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.28 km.	151
31/07/2008	Gym Cardio - Rowing Machine	0.00 km.	130
31/07/2008	gym Cardio - Elliptical	1.20 km.	231
30/07/2008	Gym Cardio - Bike	5.00 km.	101
30/07/2008	Gym Cardio - Elliptical	2.00 km.	231
29/07/2008	Gym Cardio - Cross Trainer/Bike	1.20 km.	173
27/07/2008	Dundrudian - Marble - The Bumps - Small Route Road Cycling - Moderate Hills	7.89 km.	226
26/07/2008	Dundrudian - Tramore Road Cycling - Moderate Hills	17.90 km.	451
25/07/2008	Donegal Cycle Road Cycling - Moderate Hills	10.17 km.	339
23/07/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.28 km.	202
22/07/2008	cycle work Road Cycling - Light Intensity	6.03 km.	216
22/07/2008	Cycle Home Road Cycling - Light Intensity	5.53 km.	173
22/07/2008	swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.20 km.	101
22/07/2008	Gym Cardio - Elliptical	0.70 km.	115
21/07/2008	Cycle Home Road Cycling - Light Intensity	5.53 km.	173
21/07/2008	Swin Laps / Swimming Pool	0.40 km.	202
21/07/2008	Home - Train Road Cycling - Light Intensity	6.03 km.	173
20/07/2008	Cycle - Boardwalk Road Cycling - Light Intensity	17.60 km.	519
18/07/2008	Laps / Swimming Pool Laps / Swimming Pool	0.00 km.	303
17/07/2008	Cardio - Bike Cardio - Bike	5.00 km.	101
17/07/2008	Gym Induction Cardio - Cross Trainer/Bike	1.00 km.	115
15/07/2008	Laps / Swimming Pool Laps / Swimming Pool	0.30 km.	202
14/07/2008	Laps / Swimming Pool Laps / Swimming Pool	0.30 km.	202
11/07/2008	Laps / Swimming Pool Laps / Swimming Pool	0.40 km.	202
07/07/2008	Softball Softball	2.00 km.	866
07/07/2008	Laps / Swimming Pool Laps / Swimming Pool	0.40 km.	202
03/07/2008	Laps / Swimming Pool Laps / Swimming Pool	0.70 km.	303
02/07/2008	cycle Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	5.53 km.	173
02/07/2008	cycle Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	6.03 km.	173
01/07/2008	Home Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	5.53 km.	173
01/07/2008	Cycle Train Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	6.03 km.	173
29/06/2008	Intel - Carton Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	12.63 km.	389
27/06/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.50 km.	202
26/06/2008	Train - Home Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	5.53 km.	173
26/06/2008	Home - Train Station Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	6.03 km.	173
26/06/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.50 km.	202
25/06/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.50 km.	202
25/06/2008	Train Station - Home Commute	5.53 km.	173
25/06/2008	Home - Train Station Commute	9.70 km.	345
19/06/2008	Train - Home Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	5.53 km.	173
19/06/2008	Home - Train Station Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	6.03 km.	173
19/06/2008	swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.50 km.	202
18/06/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.50 km.	202
17/06/2008	Train - Home Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	5.53 km.	173
17/06/2008	Home - Train Station Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	6.03 km.	173
17/06/2008	Swim Laps / Swimming Pool	0.40 km.	194
14/06/2008	Train - Home Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	5.53 km.	173
14/06/2008	Train - Home Road Cycling - Easy Training Ride	6.03 km.	173

Moo Last

Going to remove all the running and training stuff to different team blogs around the place. But before I do, here is a photo of me finishing the 1/2 Marathon. Notice the relief on my gob.

Hello Stranger, My Best Friend

Hi,

Nice to meet you. You're at this thing too, huh? Who do you know? Ah, you're her husband. You don't know anyone either? Aha! It appears that you have all the qualifications to be: MY BEST FRIEND FOR THE EVENING.

Let's bond through the medium of Jägerbombs. You want to drink Crème de Menthe mixed with Baileys? Anything for you buddy, the night is young and we are, of course, the best of friends. Let's try some Sambucca.

I have given you your assassin name: "The Chiropractor." I shall refer to you by this for the rest of the evening.

We start to share strangly intimate details. That's ok. We're friends forever. Let's dance. Golly! You can really move. If I wasn't married and a little bit more gay, you'd be the guy for me.

You know, I think our lady wives are really impressed with our behaviour. Look at the way they are looking at us. I think that's called "eye-fucking." I am really lucky to have a best friend like you. Man these whiskey-shooters are good. Perhaps they'd taste better in a pint of guinness.

It's three thirty ay em and we have started discussing homoerotic action thrillers. I too think that Jason Statham has never appeared in a bad movie. Its a pity that Josh Hartnett isn't in more films.

Someone is taking photos? Huddle up, buddy! We'll want to capture this moment and remember it for the rest of our lives.

The Sydney Morning Herald published a hilarious list of the 100 best books of all time. Just look at the list! A popular vote, obviously. What I have read marked in blue. Australians must really love badly written thrillers (I know Matt Reilly is Australian but come on folks, best books of all time? Really?) and 'inspirational' lit. Still, being a man I am genentically predisposed to liking lists and I have marked in red what I probably will read now, or what I have on my shelf to read. If I am wrong, please, please tell me not to bother.

1 Harry Potter series - J.K. Rowling
2 Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
3 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
4 The Obernewtyn Chronicles - Isobelle Carmody
5 My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult
6 To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee
7 The Book Thief - Markus Zusak
8 Breath - Tim Winton
9 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
10 Break No Bones - Kathy Reichs
11 The Power Of One - Bryce Courtenay
12 Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
13 Magician - Raymond E. Feist
14 The Bronze Horseman - Paullina Simons
15 Mao's Last Dancer - Li Cunxin
16 Memoirs Of A Geisha - Arthur Golden
17 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
18 Cross - James Patterson
19 Persuasion - Jane Austen
20 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
21 The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
22 The Secret - Rhonda Byrne
23 Marley and Me - John Grogan
24 Antony and Cleopatra - Colleen McCullough
25 April Fools Day - Bryce Courtney
26 North & South - Elizabeth Gaskell
27 In My Skin - Kate Holden
28 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
29 A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini
30 The Other Boleyn Girl - Phillipa Gregory
31 Nineteen Minutes - Jodi Picoult
32 Atonement - Ian McEwan
33 Shantaram Gregory - David Roberts
34 Pillars Of The Earth - Ken Follett
35 The Pact - Jodi Picoult
36 Ice Station - Matthew Reilly
37 Cloudstreet - Tim Winton
38 Jessica - Bryce Courtenay
39 A New Earth - Eckhart Tolle
40 The Princess Bride - William Goldman
41 Running With Scissors - Augusten Burroughs
42 Anybody Out There? - Marian Keyes
43 Life Of Pi - Yann Martel
44 Seven Ancient Wonders - Matthew Reilly
45 People Of The Book - Geraldine Brooks
46 Six Sacred Stones - Matthew Reilly
47 Memory Keeper's Daughter - Kim Edwards
48 Brother Odd - Dean Koontz
49 Tully - Paullina Simons
50 Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Albom
51 The Catcher in the Rye - J.D Salinger
52 Eragon - Christopher Paolini
53 Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert
54 It's Not About The Bike - Lance Armstrong
55 A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
56 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
57 The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho
58 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
59 A Fortunate Life - A.B. Facey
60 The Mists of Avalon - Marion Zimmer Bradley
61 The Notebook -Nicholas Sparks
62 Water For Elephants - Sara Gruen
63 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
64 The Host - Stephenie Meyer
65 Dirt Music - Tim Winton
66 Eldest - Christopher Paolini
67 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
68 It - Stephen King
69 World Without End - Ken Follett
70 Emma - Jane Austen
71 Temple - Matthew Reilly
72 Little Women - Alcott Louisa May
73 Lean Mean Thirteen - Janet Evanovich
74 Scarecrow - Matthew Reilly
75 American Gods - Neil Gaiman
76 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
77 P.S, I Love You - Cecelia Ahern
78 All That Remains - Patricia Cornwell
79 The Last Lecture - Randy Pausch
80 Past Secrets - Cathy Kelly
81 The Persimmon Tree - Bryce Courtenay
82 Husband - Dean Koontz
83 Plain Truth - Jodi Picoult
84 Wicked - Gregory Maguire
85 Spot Of Bother - Mark Haddon
86 Always And Forever - Cathy Kelly
87 The Road - Cormac McCarthy
88 Cents & Sensibility - Maggie Alderson
89 Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris
90 The Shifting Fog - Kate Morton
91 We Need To Talk About Kevin - Lionel Shriver
92 Everyone Worth Knowing - Lauren Weisberger
93 Hour Game - David Baldacci
94 Darkly Dreaming Dexter - Jeff Lindsay
95 The Woods - Harlan Coben
96 Half of a Yellow Sun - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
97 Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides
98 Scar Tissue - Anthony Kiedis
99 Infidel - Ayaan Hirsi Ali
100 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks

Physical Therapy

As part of the swimming I went to a physical therapist (N.B not physiotherapist, different discipline - no machines, all manipulation). Having never been to one before, I found him an interesting professional guy and he told me some stuff I didn't know about myself and that I am going to mangle into idiot speak here.

I have flat feet. I should start wearing insoles

My arm flexibility is lousy

My shoulders are slightly rounded, but not so bad

My knees have some wear and tear, nothing too traumatic

My leg flexibility is good

Minimum for any stretch is 30 seconds. Nothing less

No neck, back, spine issues to report

Now, to contradict what I said above, when I first started training I gave myself a back injury. Very sore then, not sore now (niggles occasionally when I oversleep). Never did anything about it, it got better and doesn't stop me training. Told this guy, he wasn't worried. He poked around till he found it (Here? No. Here? No. Here? ARRRRRGHHHH). He still wasn't worried, something (not the term he used) isn't rotating properly (not spine?) causing the muscle to spasm. A soft tissue massage and nightly stretches will have me sorted out in no time.

This is excellent stuff. What a great guy, remind me to seek out a physical therapist when I have a problem in the future.

Final bill of health?
Looking good CM. Looking good.

Before

Here is a nice happy picture of a fit looking husband and wife team.

Post-run photos when I have them.

The bluffers guide to a half marathon.

Decide to do the race at the last minute, make sure you haven't planned or trained towards it at all.

Make sure you have never run the distance. In fact keep any running you do under 5kms.

Two days before the race eat and drink as much as possible. I recommend the Dom Perignon 1999. Exceptional. Wash this down with at least 5 pints of heineken. Not necessarily in that order.

Get a rotten nights sleep.

Get to where you are going, register, then go out and buy some gear (socks, shorts etc.)

On the night before the race, eat as much as possible. To aid digestion of the Goats cheese, scallops, pannacotta and 1/2 bottle of pouilly fume, I recommend a peppermint tea to aid digestion. Drink a lucosade sport before bed.

Get a rotten nights sleep.

Get up, have a Lucosade Sport, two poached eggs, two sausages, some brown bread, toast and two cups of coffee.

Pee. A lot.

Tog out and run the marathon. Make sure that you have vaselined your balls and nipples throughly.

Feel a sense of elation and satisfaction at having run a 1/2 Marathon.

Eat a banana and some snickers. Go and eat a throughly repulsive lunch. Have a pint of Guinness.

Begin to feel pain, drink some more lucozade sport. Eat a three course meal, Drink a bottle of wine (Bordeaux, if possible). End the night with a gin and tonic.

Wake up. Really feel extreme pain. Have breakfast (full irish). Have a bath. Go home, go to bed.

Wake up. Feel less pain. Go to work. Go for a swim. Go to bed.

...TBC...

Puny Channel

Look at this picture, the channel is only 1cm wide from 518.64km up. If I can build a machine that can maintain this perspective for the swim it'll be a doddle.

Xhersize

Hey there. I have spending a lot of time exercising recently, mostly as part of a get-fit buzz but with a couple of extra carrots. As a result I am soon to breach the -20lb (9KG) mark. I'll let you know, Im gonna be eating cake that day.

I am concentrating on a few things:

1. Running a marathon in 2009

This isn't going to happen, so I suppose I am not really concentrating on it at all. I can happily run 5-6kms without too much bother, but running really doesn't do that much for me. It's useful as a means to an end (that end being weight-loss), but I haven't really got the will to push it up to 40kms. One day soon I think I'll run 10k just for the laugh, but that's as far as it goes. Sinead is the runner.

2. Swimming the Channel in relay

This has more legs (bada-boom, tish!). My swimming isn't all that strong, getting better sure, but still far short of where it needs to be. I am getting involved in Total Immersion training in October, with a view to transferring the skills to other members of the team. The coaching aspect of this is a little daunting to me. Sinead doesn't think so though, and she's probably right. I am going to do the training and work on the drills and see if I can pass it on to the rest of the team. Have a sea-swim planned for this weekend in donegal. Brr-Cold.

3. Triathalons

Definitely going to do a couple of Triathalons in the new year. Need to increase all my times (Swimming, cycling, running). A little worried about running on the road (danger of shin-splints ouchy). I will looking into getting a new bike too, my poor old mountain bike isn't really up to the task. More on this in the new year. Going to do some serious concentrating on this in conjunction with the swimming.

4. Weights

My Weight training started this afternoon with an abs class. This is going to be a long journey. Looking forward to adding a bit of definition, not looking forward to the pain. Going to be tricky to fit it in around everything else, but we'll see.

Gosh, boring blog entry what?

Batman

The new Batman movie is supposed to be excellent.

Maybe DC will take this opportunity to release a Batman comic that's not shit, however unlikely that may seem.

Store Bags.

Recently I have noticed women walking around town using store bags instead or in place of handbags. Two of the more prevalent are La Senza & Myla. Now for folks that don't know, these are both lingerie stores, albeit from different ends of the market.

Yep, you'll get noticed. Presumably that's the point.

A La Senza bag says: "I like dirty, cheap, nasty underwear. And thrush."

A Myla bag says: "I like dirty, expensive, tasty underwear."

BTW, I am more bemused than disapproving. I am going to start carring a couple of bags around myself.

A Jockey bag says: "I like tighty whities, Beckham wears them now so that makes it OK, but I'm probably married all the same."

A Calvin Klien bag says: "I spend too much on underwear, but these are sexy, yes? Is this 1995?"

I can make it work, right?

Price of a cup of coffee?

On the way into work a homeless man asked me for the price of a cup of coffee.

I gave him €4.

SPAM and the future.

I must confess to kind of liking spam. Not in a enjoy-getting-it-into-my-mailbox sort of way, more of a enjoy-looking-at-titles-while-looking-for-real-mail sort of way.

I particularly like when spammers don't bother pretending that their messages are anything else but spam, a few messages like this are guaranteed to put a smile on my face. To wit [all sic - btw]:

Update your Penis
Take out your secret weapon
Do not let the desease spoil your life!
More massive love luger [For the German market]
Turn it into a thing she will never forget
Make your love wand function better
This small blue-colored-pill will turn you to supermacho! [For the Mexican market]
Bring back time when girls were yours.
Lineage to the King of Siam
Attitude of the Hero
Beach season is near, ensure your potence on vacation.
Britney drops top at Monte Carlo [eh. I realise this isn't funny, but I am fixated]
I want sale you rolex . Do you want one? [does this guy want to sell my Rolex?]
Graduate in style with a new shaft [mixing college with penile enlargement. A+]
Is your love stick as hard as stone?
Re: as big as BIG BANG [Ho, Ho. Brilliant. I really like the way this is a 'RE:' like I came up with the original mail. Hey guy! can you make me as big as the BIG BANG? Simply perfect]
Stop being the joke around town

Ah yes. I am ready to take my place as a disease-free supermacho King of Thailand [née Siam], back to a halcyon time when all the girls were mine, pleasing them all with my love luger while looking at pictures of Brittney topless. I will have an endless supply of blue pills and watches. I will no longer be a joke around town either, probably because of my heroic attitude.

This is what spam is like at the moment, we all know it, we all get it.
But what will spam be like in the future? Here's my guess:

Hey! Petrol only cheap $$$
Too Hot? Try our sell you suncream
Tried of boiling? Clean water, Perfectly potable.
In the slow lane? Tired of queuing for Gas?
Dare to get in the air? Travel Deal$, cheap!!
Make your love wand function better - Because even at the end of the world, you'll need a gigantic cock.

Gosh! Canadians sure do suck at Mario Kart

Hey there everyone. Been gone a while.

Just thought I'd pop back to say that Canadians (yes, all of them) suck at Mario Kart.

To illustrate, here is a picture of a clearly distressed Luigi in a pair of Moose horns, being trounced by a determined Mario in a leprechaun hat. The (not-so) titanic battle set against a backdrop of the Candian Flag.

Until next time folks! Enjoy!

More Metro Copy editing

So the bag thing in the metro really kicked off. Not sure I approve of Metro's copy editing process though.

A couple of people replied to my first letter, I especially liked this guy's response:

"Conor, I get the Dart from Dún Laoghaire to Tara Street at 10.26am. I am 5' 11in with dark hair and wear a suit with a dark grey overcoat, and yes, if there are empty seats, I will put my bag beside me. So, if you see me, maybe you would like to ask me to move it? No? I didn't think so."

Now, who knows what his original email was like? I imagine, his point is that he is a man, not a woman so I wouldn't ask him to move his bag because I only harass women. So, his letter to the Metro was probably originally more like this:

"Conor, I get the Dart from Dún Laoghaire to Tara Street at 10.26am. I am 5' 11in man with dark hair and wear a suit with a dark grey overcoat, and yes, if there are empty seats, I will put my bag beside me. So, if you see me, maybe you would like to ask me to move it? No? I didn't think so."

The man is important because it changes the tone and makes a point about me being a scary pervert. Instead he comes across as a loon who thinks 5' 11" dudes in suits are scary.

So, I wrote a letter back, which Metro published as:

"Shane, I am 30+, 6ft, Brown hair, GSOH. Not sure if your letter was a threat or a promise, but if I start taking the train at 10.30, could you move your bag for me? It could lead to fun, friendship or possibly more."

But what I wrote was:

"Shane, I am 30+, 6' 0", Brown hair, Hirsute, GSOH. Not sure if your letter was a threat or a promise, but if I lose my job and start taking the train at 10.30, could you move your bag for me? It could lead to fun, friendship or possibly more..."

So they kept the gay and removed the funny. Which is fine, if a little pointless. Poor Shane will think some dude is trying to pick him up everytime he is asked to move his bag.

Metro 2

So I go another letter published in the Metro. They copy edited it quite heavily, getting rid of some of the more..um..questionable sentiment:

Original:
So, some guy is labelled "rude" for asking someone to move their bag on the train? I whole-heartedly support the bloke in this situation, and would question who was being uncivil. Nothing makes the red mist descend quicker then a seat reserved for a bag: hand, school, gym or other. If all the 'first' seats are gone on the train, the seat with the bag will draw me to it like a homing beacon, and I'll ask you to move it so I can sit down. I know a number of other guys who do the same thing, a good affirmative action making a point about anti-social behaviour. So there you have it, if you don't want my fat ass sitting beside you, keep that seat bag-free.

Metro:
So, some guy is labelled "rude" for asking someone to move their bag on the train? I support the bloke in this situation. Nothing makes the red mist descend quicker then a seat reserved for a bag, hand, school, gym or other. If all the 'first' seats are gone on the train, the seat with the bag will draw me to it like a homing beacon, and I'll ask you to move it so I can sit down. I know other guys who do the same thing. So there, if you don't want my fat ass sitting beside you, keep that seat bag-free.

Bush and Me

Well,

This is...........odd.



Maybe I should try and find this guy. Weird.

Solving the cocaine problem.

I read an article on the internet today about vaccines being developed for nicotine and cocaine addition. It’s just the sort of fucking about the human body I find simultaneously interesting and really, really scary. Apparently human trials are underway (Hey! It worked on the Monkeys! The Capuchins aren’t wearing sunglasses any more! They seem to pretty angry and depressed too…), so maybe we will see this magic bullet sometime by 2020.

Now, while the scientists think they may be benefiting society with their invention (a stretch, I admit: google exhibit A: Fluorescent Cats), it is easy to predict function creep. Now I can take drugs when I am bored, or when I am not bored, or indeed anytime at all and then take a vaccine to remove all future effects. I’ll still need to overcome the addiction, which is, I suppose, a drawback. However in clinical trials overcoming addiction is apparently going well, with users not switching to other drugs.

The next step is to make cocaine free. I was going to say “widely available” but this is 2007, everyman and his dog can get cocaine if they so desire. Needless to say, the Colombian drug lords won’t be to cooperative about giving their marching powder away free gratis, so it stands to reason that we will need an army of robots to grow it on the moon.

While my Lunar-Automatons are at it, they can start cultivating opium and heroin. The Thai warlords in the Golden Triangle mightn’t like this, but my plot involves making them think the Taliban are to blame. Hopefully this will lead to mutually-assured-destruction. I’ll explain my plan to the Americans and they’ll fund it all. They have a good track record in this area, and will get to bomb Afghanistan again, lucky boys. We’ll set the winners up against the Colombians.

Once my drugs hit the streets, people with weak hearts or other complaints may continue to die due to overdoses, but I’ll have to chalk this up to Darwin at work. If you are not aware of the dangers of cocaine or heroin abuse you are either living in a cave, are irretrievably stupid, or just don’t care. My Mooncoke® will be pure (no cement, petrol, laxative, talcum powder, chalk etc.), so will minimise the risk as much as possible.

Parents may choose to inoculate their children against the effects of drugs. This is a mistake, and will be made illegal. The children need to become addicted, so by overcoming addiction they are made stronger. While society may first baulk at feeding children LunarHorse® for breakfast, hopefully the benefits will soon become clear. By overcoming addiction in the formative years, children will less likely to succumb to addiction as adults. Those children whose addictions cannot be broken, will be boiled down for glue.

Synthetic drugs of any sort will all be banned. My robots will flood the market with lethal-variants, making sure that any dabbling in the area will have an odds-on chance of death. You would do well do remember that I am looking out for your best interests, and yes, I do know best.

Now the governments of the world mightn’t like this, most likely because free things don’t have any tax revenue. Some angry parents may not like swapping their offspring for a tin of evostick. They may try and tax the vaccine, but then they’ll be causing a drug epidemic. It’s a real Smack-22. Perhaps they’ll come after me.

Not a wise move, don’t they know I have an army of robots?