For the love of God

I always thought Valentines day was one of those stupid Hallmark holidays that people hate. Restaurants are jammed, dinners (and bridges) are burned. An unforeseen strain is put on previously stable relationships. Romantic men are classed by the 99.9% of the male population as overlooked gays. You see new couples trying too hard, middle-aged couples not talking, and elderly couples still happily in love after fifty years. Bah! I hate love. Here is the history of SVD, in greeting card form:

There once was an emperor from Rome,
Who didn’t like his soldiers getting a bone,
He made marriage an outright crime,
So couples went to a priest named Valentine,
Who wed them, and sent them home.

The emperor found out about the couples getting wed,
He prosecuted Valentine, shouting “off with is head!”
Valentine fell in love with the blind daughter of his jailer,
But being a catholic, probably didn’t get to nail her,
So he cured her sight, left a note and to his death he sped.

The fourteenth was a pagan roman festival day,
Pope Gelasius didn’t like it and said “No way, Hosé!”
He looked for a miracle man,
Valentine had one in the can,
And Roman men and women lost their lay.

Confused? Not as confused as the Romans when they found out that instead of pulling a teenage girls name out of a hat on valentines day, they now got a saint instead, who’s virtues they were supposed to emulate. Well, my darling, watch out! In a mixture of Catholic and Roman tradition this valentines day, I will taking on the virtue of St.Gluttonous the engorged.