Books 2K6

Here is a (mostly complete) list of books I read in 2006. I don't include any comic collections which I may post later in a gigantic cloud of anal retention. Also, free of charge, a very very short review.

One Hundred Great Books In Haiku
David Bader

Not sure this counts. It's fine.


Does Anything Eat Wasps?: And 101 Other Questions
New Scientist

As above. Sinéad and I both bought each other this for Christmas. The sequel is out this Christmas, "Why don't penguins get cold feet?"


The Traveller
John Twelve Hawks

At last! A book! Enjoyed this crappy conspiracy drivel. John Twelve Hawks (The author) lives "off the grid" apparently. "Off the planet" may be a better description.


The Call Of The Weird
Louis Theroux

Hmm. Funny. Y'know, OK.


Bringing Down The House: How Six Students Took Vegas For Millions
Ben Mezrich

True story of those wacky kids in MIT screwing Vegas. Entertaining.


Atomised
Michel Houellebecq

Porny filth. Make sure that a nun isn't reading over your shoulder. Good Stuff.


The Sacred Stone
Clive Cussler

Bollocks. Absolute shit. Clive Cussler: The man who flushed his name down the toilet.


No1 Ladies Detective Agency
Alexander McCall Smith

Good Fun.


The Great Gatsby
F. Scott Fitzgerald

It's a classic, isn't it? Hated it in school, enjoyed it now.


Tears Of The Giraffe
Alexander McCall Smith

More of the same.


Silent Bob Speaks
Kevin Smith

Ok. Essays and stuff. Self indulgent, but expected that


Flow My Tears The Policemen Said
Philip K Dick

Mad obviously.


Morality For Beautiful Girls
Alexander McCall Smith

More o' the same.


Seven Ancient Wonders
Matthew Reilly

Ah Matt! Got to love this. Please don't read if you like: English, Physics, Plot, Originality or punctuation. Still, its a pleasure to read.


Hell Island
Matthew Reilly

Novella. Drivel. But it's Matt Reilly so that's OK.


Prisoner's Dilemma: John Von Neumann, Game Theory And The Puzzle Of The Bomb
William Poundstone

Eh? More real life stuff on game theory. Good stuff.


A Darkness More Than Night
Michael Connelly

Can't remember a word of this.


Polar Shift
Clive Cussler

Better then Sacred Stone, and better then the Clive and Son novels. That is a pretty low bar right there.


Otis Lee Crenshaw: I Blame Society
Rich Hall

Fun.


How To Lose Friends And Alienate People
Toby Young

Slight stuff, albeit a couple of real gems here.


A Study In Scarlett
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Brilliant.


The Sign Of Four
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Brilliant.


HP Lovecraft: Against the World Against Life
Michel Houellebecq

Uh, weird combination. Good all the same.


Dress Your Family In Corduroy And Denim
David Sedaris

Remember enjoying this. Please don't ask me what it was about.


Century Rain
Alastair Reynolds

Good Hard Sci-Fi.


The Well Of Lost Plots
Jasper Fforde

J Fforde is guilty of some serious literary wankiness. I really enjoy these books.


Something Rotten
Jasper Fforde

As Above.


Ubik
Philip K Dick

Another by Mad Mac McMad the Madman.


Breakfast Of Champions
Kurt Vonnegut

Yawn.


Modesty Blaise
Peter O'Donnell

Got this for a €1. It was great.


Northern Lights
Philip Pullman

The Subtle Knife
Philip Pullman

The Amber Spyglass
Philip Pullman

These books were brilliant. A must read. Hollywood are in the process of fucking it up.


The Best Thing That Can Happen To A Croissant
Pablo Tusset

Great. There is a movie of this in Spanish. Not sure there is a subtitled version. I'd like to see it, but would perfer not to have to learn spanish to do it.


Digital Fortress
Dan Brown

S-H-I-T. Avoid like the plague.


Porterhouse Blue
Tom Sharpe

Good dirty fun.


A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian
Marina Lewycka

Entertaining.


Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman
Haruki Murakami

I am biased here. Brilliant, obviously.


Haruki Murakami and The Music of Words
Jay Rubin

Dipped in and out of this. Unreadable unless your a fan of Murakami, then it has some amusing insights.


Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell
Suzanna Clarke

Great stuff. It is a real talent to write a 1,000 page novel where nothing much happens and make it capivating.


Dr. Bloodmoney
Philip K Dick

Lunacy.


Second Burial for a Black Prince
Andrew Nugent

Not bad.


Fragile Things
Neil Gaiman

Really enjoyed the first story: "A study in emerald." Some of the rest of it hit and miss. Above average.


N.B I haven't included "The Poe Shadow" by Matthew Pearl. I got halfway through and stopped. Talk about a book trying to put you off reading for ever.

Baby News

Congrats to Conor & Sinead on the birth of their new son yesterday at 20:26
Baby weighed in at 6lb 12ozs.

I wonder who won the baby lottery Conor was running???

Last Word...

I play football every thursday night on the astroturf pitch with a bunch of guys. Its usually a tame enough affair and nothing too dangerous, well except when Greg is there.

Greg is the kind of guy who likes to win. He's well built, kind of a Wayne Rooney build of a guy, and likes to tackle hard.

Footbal starts at 9pm, so I was pondering around the house at 8:30pm wondering will I actually go to football this week, as I'd missed the previous week. I was a bit tired but usually when you get out in the fresh air and run around you'd feel great. Sharon, my wife, didn't want me to play, she was saying ah stay at home with me and we'll watch something nice on the telly, you're too tired to play anyway.

Well I went anyway and I was really enjoying it. We were playing great it was 6 a-side playing on half the pitch. About 45 minutes into the hour of play I was running onto a ball and so was Greg, we kind of hit each other side on with Greg's elbow catching me square in the ribs just under my arm pit on my right side, well I just bounced of him and hit the ground like a rock. I was well and truly winded for a minute or too. I picked myself up and played on, I was a little sore.

Any way its now 11 days since the incident and I decided to go to the doctors today as my ribs were still killing me and I could hardly move at times, sneezing or coughing were agony. The doctor did his thing and checked me out and said I've almost definetly got a fractured rib. He gave me some anti-inflamatories to take care of it but it'll take 4-6 weeks to heal. Anyway just before leaving the doctors Sharon had to get the last word in. Well it wouldn't have happened to you if you stayed at home like I asked you!

Helpdesk Priorities

Confused on how to manage your priorites? Consult my handy guide!

P5.

Ignore this call at all costs. It isn't important and probably never will be. It was a waste of company resources actually typing this into the system in the first place. Decrease the loggers annual bonus by 1% and close the call automatically citing "User Error"

P4.

Shuffle this call to the bottom of the pile. User may have a valid point but nobody cares enough to fix it. It is assumed that if a call is logged as a P4 that the user isn't important enough to get his problem prioritised. Leave open until the user leaves the company.

P3.

You probably have to fix this sometime. 99% of calls are 3s. Use the following equation to decide how to resolve the call and consult chart:

Rank of User (1-5) * Rank of problem (1-5) * Time to fix (Hours).

<5 Demote to priority P5
<10 Demote to priority P4
<20 Do call
<40 Do call first, someone that matters is looking for it
>40 Query length of time call will take, Transfer to project list for resource allocation

P2.

Worry, there may actually be a problem. More likely is that somebody is throwing their weight around looking for call priority, if this is the case downgrade to P4. If there is a genuine problem, stop what you are working on and fix it. By stopping work on your P3s to fix a P2, the fix expectation needs to be adjusted on all your other calls.

P1.

Panic. If a P1 call is logged, try to avoid the entire issue by getting it transferred to one of your colleagues as soon as possible, this directly affects you and more importantly your bonus. If unable to pass the buck, start thinking of convenient lies on why the infrastructure under your control has failed. Start spreading the blame and roping other people into the issue so you can deflect the focus from yourself. It is a good idea to bring in external contractors and point the finger at them when unable to find a resolution. If there is a disaster recovery situation, or your building is on fire, make sure to leave the country as soon as possible. All calls from your boss, MD or CEO are P1.

Jane Eyre Leaving Cert Notes

Jane Eyre. Romance. Auth. Charlotte Bronte. Published 1847

Jane Eyre is an orphan sent to live with her aunt. Her Aunt Mrs. Reed and her cousins all hate her so she is sent off to a boarding school for young girls. It is here that Jane has her first lesbian experience with her only friend Helen. Helen dies of Typhoid soon after and Jane becomes a teacher.

Jane gets a job as a governess outside of the school at Thornfield Hall, owned by Mr.Rochester. Rochester is obviously incredibly heterosexual, and has a ward named Adele from a previous liaison. Rochester is being courted by a tramp called Blanche Ingram. Ingram is an air-headed bitch who must like it rough to put up with the treatment she receives from the nut-job Rochester. It turns out Rochester is only leading Blanche on to make Jane jealous.

Jane learning of his deception decides to marry him. The wedding gets to the “Does anybody know of any just cause…” bit, and a lawyer (who might as well be called Mr.McGuffin) declares Rochester is already married. This turns out to be true, and he is keeping his mad wife in the attic. Rochester rationalises this behaviour by saying he could of have had her killed by having her locked up in a damp house up north, but thought the attic would be more humane.

Rochester only got married to Antoinette in the first place because he thought he was going to be disinherited by his father and brother. The father and brother then had the temerity to die and leave him rich with a mad wife.

Rochester asks Jane to run off with him to somewhere hot, where they will live a brother and sister-like arrangement with the odd chaste peck on the cheek before elevenses. Jane, not being a complete moron, thinks perhaps Rochester would like a bit more than this and flees Thornfield Hall to wander the moors.

She wanders the moors for a few days until she is picked up by a local Vicar St. John Rivers. Rivers is an obvious homosexual, who is completely dysfunctional around women. The story loses a bit of its dynamic here, as we are expected to believe that women (especially the churches patron’s daughter) are chasing after this sad-sack of shit. St. John finds out that Jane is actually his cousin and that she is rich, so he asks her to marry him and go to the west-indies to be a missionary. He also says he doesn’t love her. Jane, never having seen Last Tango in Paris, still went to an all girls boarding school so has a pretty good idea what may happen if she becomes the wife of a missionary fag, and refuses. She does give him the money to go to India though.

Then, in the barmy way of Bronte novels, she hears Rochester’s voice calling to her on the wind. She sets off to Thornfield to find him. Once there, she finds the Hall burnt to the ground. It turns out that Rochester’s mad bitch wife burnt the place down and he lost an eye and a hand trying to save her. After ruining his life, you’d have thought he’d let her burn, but there you go.

Jane finds Rochester, tortured and blind, in his country estate. Here they reconcile, marry, have good, rough, straight sex and have children. The book ends with the Death of St. John in India, most likely representing the dangers of being a weak homosexual in a Bronte book.

My First Police Interview

I had my first police interview yesterday evening @ 5:15pm

Drive Time

A few hints for some dummies out there who still haven't learnt how to drive safely in Fog:
a) Headlights are required you're invisible without them.
b) Half headlights are not sufficient, you're still invisible you idiot!

Observations taken on my drive into work today in the Waterford/Ardkeen area.

Lost Lost Girls

I haven't talked about this for a while. Why haven't I bought it yet you ask? Where is the porn review I promised? Yes, it's porn, but is it art?

Well, blame the children. Great Ormond Street hospital own the rights to Peter Pan. They don't want it published in Europe, so it hasn't been. Now the law is a little vague on how all this works considering Peter Pan is out of copyright. It's being sold in the US alright, but topshelf won't ship to Europe. Apparently the whole mess is being sorted out amicably, and will be available in the new year.

Fair enough, who wants to be sued by a children's hospital?

Birthdays

I find myself slightly depressed on my birthday. I am thirty-one. That this depression has chosen to manifest itself as a diarised blog is bewildering to me.

I imagine that my malaise is less due to my birthday (the zero cranks would have you believe that I am only now joining my third decade), and more to do with the staggering amount of alcohol that I consumed this weekend. This must be where people go and drink more to lift the gloom, it’s a dangerous precipice.

That said though, I had a good weekend. I went to restaurant Patrick Guilbaud with Sinéad on Saturday night, on which I’ll right a review on Eating Out Ireland. It was Sin's treat and was nice. I drank, among other things, a bottle of Chateau Lafleur de Bouard, not feeling rich or stupid enough to buy the Petrus. I don’t think that I would a good restaurant critic, you have to be a bit, well, wanky to carry it off. If I am going to write reviews on the web I am going to editorialise more (if possible). Still, it’s a fun place to go and eat.

On Sunday we went down to John and Karel, with whom I shall be abandoning the boy next weekend, while we step out to a wedding in Cork. My liver abuse continued there. Lunch was great too, but a review shall not be appearing on the web unless J&K decide to open their house to strangers, which, all things considered, is unlikely.

We went home, put the boy to bed, and finished the Chardonnay in the fridge.

Sinéad woke me up this morning (not true, I was already awake) to open my presents. She selflessly got me two tickets for the Flaming Lips in Vicar Street. Selfless, because she will a week away from having the new baby so won’t be able to go. She also got me Jay Rubin's biography of Haruki Murakami "The music of words." I read a chapter this morning, out of sequence, from the middle of the book. I don't think this is as odd as it sounds. She also got me Jonathan Strange and Mister Norrell in three books, so I can read them on the train. The big book was never going to happen. These gifts are from a person that knows me very well.

I decided to read a book of short stories that I got Sinéad for her birthday on the train: "Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman" again by Murakami. I am enjoying it immediately, even though I have read a few of the stories before. Out of the four stories I read this morning three had gratuitous ear mentions, and one was about birthdays. The birthday story also had some ear pornography, but that's not important right now.

The birthday story, which I had read before, was about a waitress who brings the reclusive restaurant manager a meal in his room. He grants her a wish for her birthday; just one, as a present.

The story doesn't tell us what the wish is for, it’s not important. Say it's your birthday, what would you wish for?

Chinese Name

In the spirit of being a five year old, Richie in work wrote my name for me in Chinese.

Richie, real name Zhuo (pronouced jhu-ah) is a student working for us, who is setting me straight on a couple of things about China:

Western Chinese food is definitely not Chinese.

You can get authentic Chinese food in Dublin, we are going to eat there next week.

Only Koreans eat dog. They breed a special type solely for this purpose.

Mandarin Chinese is the mostly commonly spoken dialect because it what you are thought through in school.

Gambling, except for the national lottery and football pools is illegal in China.

Not everybody plays MahJongg. Many people don't know the rules.

Jackie Chan and Jet Li are from inland China, but made their names in Hong Kong.

The symbol 中 means middle and not Red Dragon.

China is commenly written 國, or 中國 meaning "The Middle Kingdom"

If you are in China for a while, you do not 'get given' a Chinese name, even in rural villages. You can choose one for yourself if you like.

Surnames come before forenames in China, but you probably knew this.

Phonetically spelt Conor means "Health That" it looks something like this:

Ugh.

I wrote this in a document today:

"Integrating into a scalable design solution is key to project implementation"

I deserve the electric chair.

You know its time to:

Some Wisdom I've accumulated over the last month I taught I'd share.

You know it's time to buy a stira when you fall off the step ladder getting out of the attic and hurt yourself. (it's getting installed on Wednesday)

You know it's time to get a new car with air con given the current climate change and also if you plan to take you car on holidays to France and drive 1100 miles in a heat wave.

You know its time to get a new camcorder when you discover swimming pools and camcorders don't mix very well.

Any pearls of wisdom you'd like to share?

Tramore City ?

According to the latest prelimary report from the CSO for the 2006 Census Tramore now has a population greater than Kilkenny City, so I beg the question should it now be Tramore City?

With such a population explosion in Tramore over the last decade its high time there was some serious investment into Tramore. OK we got our ring road eventually, but where are all the shops we were promised and also the cimena that was granted planning permission 3-4 years ago hasn't materialised and on the basis of an outstanding planning permission for that cinema a more recent planning permission for a cinema was turned down in the town, its bloody disgraceful I say!

Another great decision is to relocate the Race Course outside Tramore down by the back strand and develop the current race course into housing. I'd hate to be those people in Ard na Groi who paid big money about 6 years ago to have a nice big house with an upstairs sitting room and balcony overlooking the race course, overlooking your neighbours garden will be more like it!

One more final point, lets get rid of those bloody amusements!

But He Did Die.

David Gemmell finds Jerusalem aged 57.

Gutted. Had an opportunity to meet him, but had to go to my sister's wedding. Maybe we'll meet in the void.

Tyger Tyger Burning Bright

Last night a 19-year old girl got mauled by a Tiger in Dublin Zoo after climbing over a six foot fence while drunk and sticking her arm in their cage.

I have written a response for Dublin Zoo in the event of litigation:

"The Monkeys aren't that stupid,
The Tapirs aren't that thick,
The Toucans wouldn't be so simple-minded,
The Owls are much more quick.

The Lemurs aren't so short-sighted,
The Gibbons aren't so slow,
The Rhinos can't believe their eyes,
The Lions watched the show.

The Meerkats aren't so senseless,
Nor the Otters so indiscreet,
The Elephants aren't so mindless,
The Ostriches would retreat.

The Penguins aren't so witless,
The Ducks aren't such schmucks,
The Fox wouldn't be so foolish,
The Tiger can't believe his luck.

Climb into the tigers cage,
The keepers will raise the alarm,
When you play with Tigers,
You're lucky only to lose an arm."

Really Stop Humping

Man, this guy is insistant! Another in the occasional postcard range.

On Hold

Super busy. Looks like I'll be that way until I go holidays in two weeks.

Normal service will resume then.

Rebel against Revels

"Dear Cadbury,

Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans
These jelly beans come in a variety of flavours. Some flavours are even extremely disgusting.

These Harry Potter sweets already exist and are called Revels.

Today on the train an oversized man sat beside me, making both of us uncomfortable. He wasn't fat, just bigger then an ordinary human, like he had been magnified by 20%. I sat there beside him, touching, neither of us very happy. But he can't change and he has a right to sit down. Revels are like that extra 20%, but unlike oversized train guy they can be changed. Coffee and chocolate should never be mixed into one product, surely evolution has taught us that much? Come on Cadburys! Look at the life train guy has and ditch the coffee Revels. It's not big, it's not clever. Have you even done any market research? Who likes the coffee ones? Make a list so we can put them to the sword. Freaks! They probably liked Richard Linklater's "Before sunrise" as well. Isn't there some kind of test we can administer to prevent this sort of thing? Or is that your plan? If so, it is not fair on the rest of us.

I am not a crank,
Yours etc.,"

Postcards from the Hedge

Having reviewed postcards on the stands around Dublin, I realised that I can go months without seeing a sheep, years without seeing an Irish cottage and even months without seeing a Guinness in this post-baby world I live in.

So, seeing a gap in the market, I am releasing a range of postcards of parts of Ireland that I and many commuters like me see every day. We need some postcards of the real Ireland. Here are the first two, from the 'local colour' range:

Stop Humping



Up the Royal Canal

Last Lost Girls Post

Taken from Neil Gaiman's blog (again), Alan Moore has a Radio Interview with the BBC available here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/today/audio/full_alan_moore_interview.ram where he talks more Lost Girls.

After the Lost Girls segment there is an entertaining bit on why his name will be on no more Hollywood movies and why he will not draw for American comics. He also talks about his books, describing his last 'Voice of the Fire' set entirely in Northamton as being 'a bit too cosmapolitian'.

F.Y.I Lost Girls is released in August, just in time for Sinéad's birthday. Lucky Girl.

More Lost Girls

For Anyone that's interested i.e me, there is more on Lost Girls on Neil Gaiman's Blog, where he attaches the original introduction to the book. He talks about pornography vs erotica.

You probably won't read it, but in one paragraph he says "If it failed for me, it was only as smut; the book, at least in large black and white photocopy form, was not a one-handed read. It was too heady, dense and strange to appreciate or to experience on a visceral level. (Your mileage may vary; porn is, after all, personal.)"

There has in the last ten years or so been a large intellectualisation/legitimisation of the role of pornography in society, which this book is liekly to be an extension of. Maybe the pornographer's lobby commissioned it? If I buy this book, which is looking more likely every second, I will really try to avoid this type of argument and review it as the smut it is.

Buying Pornography, Maybe.

I am thinking about buying Lost Girls by Alan Moore. It is a comic book (drawn by his wife Melinda) where Alice of Alice in Wonderland, Dorothy of The Wizard of Oz and Wendy of Peter Pan meet up to discuss their sexual exploits. If you’d like to know more Alan has a very funny/very crazy interview on Suicide Girls. The link is SFW, but don’t stray from the path, as the rest of Suicide Girls is very definitely NSFW. Any interview that has a question "The book is also very funny and of course there are funny moments that are written. But with something like the picture of Dorothy having sex with the Cowardly Lion, Melinda has drawn it in such a beautiful way that I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be funny" has to be worth 15 minutes of your time.

Anyway, I don’t think that Sinéad would mind terribly if I bought it, other then it costs about €60, we’d have to hide it from the boy till he gets older (how frightenly conservative of me) and we’d need to buy a coffee table to put it on. Is there a place in my life for an expensive oversized leatherbound pornographic alleged masterpiece? Maybe. The completist in me is screaming "buy it!, buy it" and I have very little self control when it comes to these things. I could hide behind the "Yes, but its Art!" debate, but not really.

I currently own one other porn book, again a comic by Spanish Artist Milo Manara, called the Art of Spanking. I bought it on a whim to give it to my father-in-law as a present. I bottled out from giving it to him and kept it. To this day I have never left it casually on a coffee table. I did make a 5’ poster of one of the frames from the book and gave it to friends as a present, which they framed and hung on the wall. It is quite an arresting sight.

I don’t know where I am going with this, other then that I have been thinking about posting pictures of myself naked on the internet (again). I mean it’s my blog, I can do what I want. Maybe I’ll leave my hybrid boxer/Y-front things on, maybe I won’t. Then I’ll photograph all my clothes, and have one of those games where people can come and dress me online.

Maybe I’ll make it into in a coffee table edition. Got to get a nice coffee table first.

Present Time

At the best of times I find it hard to buy my wife presents. June is usually an awkward month for me, its our 7th wedding anniversary followed a week later by my wife's birthday.

Any suggestions on presents greatly appreciated. We'll probably go out for a meal as well on top of it.

This is my current small list of ideas:

• Jewelry


• Give her money to buy clothes etc


• Some type of gadget maybe like an ipod?


• Beauty Saloon voucher

All ideas/suggestions welcome.

Also I need ideas for what my 4yr old can buy her as well.

End of the World

Is today the end of the world?

Some say it is, as predicted by the Number of the Beast 666
Today is the 6th Day of the 6th Month of the 6th year of the new millenium.

To be honest I wouldn't be surprised if 666 is bush's password for that nucelar red button that could cause the end of the world.

On another note the new Omen remake is released today to mark the occassion of the 666 Date.

New Puppy

We got a new puppy last thursday night. Its an 11 week old female Bichon Frise.
The whole naming of the puppy thing took about 3 days to resolve. The Name changes went as follows

Molly
Snowy
Maggie
Sally
Lady (This one actually stuck for about 12 hours. My 4yr old son wanted this name as he's a big Thomas the Tank engine fan)
Then Finally back to Sally.

So say hello to our new puppy Sally.

Why People Like/Dislike Comic Books

On the BBC newsfeed today:

"Batwoman Hero Returns as Lesbian"

That is all.

Eating Out Ireland

If you have been reading all the other blogs you'll have seen that Ursula has set up a new blog called 'Eating Out Ireland' on which I have been invited to write restaurant reviews.

Well. I'll give it a go. A few people are saying the name is jokey, i didn't get it until Sinéad spelt it out for me:

"
Put yourself back in the mindset of a 15-year-old boy.
Or Jay and Silent Bob.
If you were Eating Out Ireland, you'd be a busy man with a sore jaw and a tired tounge
"

Quite.

No Immunity from Defamation and Libel.

Reading the front page of my free "you’re an IT Professional" ComputerScope. I am told that you can be prosecuted for defaming people on your blog in Ireland. Not being stupid I already new this. Commentators beware, you are also libel for what you write. Now, I think that my blog is satire. Heavy-handed, ill thought-out satire, but satire all the same. Still, to cover my bases, I’d like to clear some things up:

TicketMaster who were cleared by the Irish competition authority, are probably an ethical company, or least have some sort of ethical company policy on their intranet. They engage in normal business practice, and are entitled to do whatever they want within the eyes of the law. Any allusions or quotes that I may have used about them being unethical, greedy, money grabbing bastards were for humorous purposes only, and probably don’t reflect the truth.

Some people who are not complete morons may not get "The Da Vinci Code" movie. They may be taking acid, be drunk or in shock.

Not all psychics are "bead-laden taffeta-clad behemoths and tank-top wearing weeds," and the guy who took my photo was not fat, by some people’s standards.

Sky do not "make news up," I least I think they don’t, I don’t watch Sky news. I presume people would sue them if they did. I am not encouraging people to sue Sky, or watch Sky News. Not that I’d know because I don’t watch Sky News. Not because they make stuff up or anything, it’s just too far down the channel list.

Shannen Doherty is not a "Mad Bitch," she has issued statements to this effect. Go read them.

Ryan Air should not change their name to "Council House Airlines"

God has never issued a statement from heaven (post old-testament), that I am aware of. Plenty of others may say otherwise.

The Harp Bar was not "…a secret eugenic extraction facility to purify the essence of human scum…"

Mariah Carey does not keep a guy in her bedroom to blow cocaine up her ass. Why would she do that? C’mon why? Nor indeed, to my knowledge, does she take any drugs, either orally, nasally or anally.

50 First Dates is not about Adam Sandler on a quest to rape and psychologically abuse Drew Barrymore. It’s actually a light hearted comedy, and oh so funny.

I didn’t enjoy Riverdance. It was actually shit. In my opinion, not in others.

So there you go. Don't sue.

TicketBastards.

Some unsavory news on the net today. Rewritten to suit my own bias:

Three years after Ticketmaster introduced ticketFast, its online print-at-home ticketing service, consumers have so embraced it that the company now sells a half-million home-printed tickets for sporting and entertainment events each month in North America. Where ticketFast is available, 30 percent of tickets sold are now printed at home, said the company, which is by far the nation's largest ticket agency.

But consumers — many of whom have complained for years about climbing ticket prices and Ticketmaster service charges — may be less eager for the next phase of Ticketmaster's Internet evolution.

Late this year the company plans to begin auctioning the best seats to concerts through ticketmaster.com.

With no official price ceiling on such tickets, Ticketmaster will be able to compete with brokers and scalpers for the highest price a market will bear.
"The tickets are worth what they're worth," said a Ticketmaster rep. "If somebody wants to charge €50 for a ticket, but it's actually worth €1,000 on EBay, the ticket's worth €1,000. I think more and more, our clients — the promoters, the clients in the buildings and the bands themselves — are saying to themselves, `Maybe that money should be coming to me instead of Bob the Broker.' If fuckin’ retards are going to pay that price we might as well capitalise on it. Man those monkeys are stupid. This is off the record isn’t it? Ah, print it anyway, I have three Porches. I’m fucking untouchable."

"We exist to fuck the consumer," he continued, "and anyway, why are you getting at us? EBay started it. Good bless their greedy little hides"

EBay has long been a busy marketplace for tickets auctioned by brokers and others. Late last week, for example, it had more than 22,000 listings for ticket sales.
Once the auction service goes live, Ticketmaster will receive flat fees or a percentage of the winning bids, to be decided with the operators of each event, said a Ticketmaster's executive.

Along with home printing, auctions are central to "a new age of avarice and greed," the Ticketmaster rep said, "We swim in cocaine, normal hookers are no longer good enough." In the second quarter of this year, tickets sold online, with or without home printing, represented 51 percent of Ticketmaster's ticket sales. The rest were sold by phone or at walk-up locations.

Many of those customers are skeptical about Ticketmaster's plans to auction the best seats to concerts.

"The band's biggest fans ought to have the best seats, not the band's richest fans," said Tim Nolan, a naïve tool from Carlow, who used Ticketmaster recently to buy tickets for a concert by the rock group Aslan. Ticketmaster would be, in essence, official scalpers, Mr. Nolan said, voicing a sentiment expressed by some other customers.

Industry watchers agree that auctions will affect all concertgoers. Prime seats are undervalued in the marketplace, said John Moloney, a professor at Trinity, who has studied ticket prices. He predicts that once auctions begin revealing a ticket's market value, prices as a whole will climb faster. John Moloney admits part of his job is stating remarkably obvious observations. "It’s fantastic that I paid for saying this shit," he said.

Gary Gary Gray, editor of the concert industry trade magazine, StarSmack, predicted that all ticket prices would become more fluid. Tickermaster say after a promoter assesses initial sales from an auction, remaining ticket prices could be raised or lowered to meet goals. "Lowered!" Gary Gary snorted, "when that happens I’ll stop beating my wife. Does anybody believe a word these cocksuckers say?"

The notion of ticket auctions is annoying, Mr. Gray said, but he is resigned to them. But mostly he doesn’t care because his editor picks up the bill.
"I guess the capitalist inside me would say, `Hey, if that's what they can get for tickets, I guess that's just something I can't afford, like a Yacht, a Learjet or a sex-change.' "

The Last of it. For Today.

Finally added in the in-laws. Makes my lovely poster a little cluttered and far less dynamic.

Also, remember girls and boys that if you are going to do an image search for Shannen Doherty do it at home. Definitely, definitely NSFW. Don't do it. Don't be tempted. Shudder to think what would come up if you did a search on Alyssa Milano.

Anyway, for the maybe final time, here is the new poster:

Da Vinci Code

The Da Vinci Code is getting terrible reviews. What did people expect?
Here is an excerpt from the review on BoxOfficeMojo.com:

"Long-haired Mr. Hanks and French-accented Tatou skedaddle across Europe, eluding gendarmes, escaping to a French chateau and jetting to London, all the while tracking clues and positing theories using their knowledge of history and Catholicism.

Tatou's childhood takes on added significance as the pair come to possess another Da Vinci treasure that implicates the Holy Grail, Da Vinci's The Last Supper and—gasp!—the very foundations of the Catholic Church. Without spoiling the twists, it involves Jesus and, broadly, it secularizes Catholicism.

This will not endear the movie, which counts on basic history knowledge, to the comic book crowd, who will not get it, and, conversely, Mr. Howard would have been branded a blasphemer even had he added hundreds of Vatican gift shop product placements."

Now this is complete gibberish, Everyone who's not a complete moron will get this movie.

Movie audiences can be seperated into two groups:

Those who thought Mission Impossible was complicated and hard to follow and those that didn't.

People in the latter group should stay indoors, away from sharp objects.
People in the former group should probably not watch the Da Vinci code, lest they rot thier brains.

More Plot

Dynasty was already taken...

Definitely a Fargo "based on a true story" is the way to go. I also like the idea of expanding real life events to absurdity.

For example:

Dad decides to give Conor K a fishing rod, but when he opens it finds out it's dynamite. I expect a gag like this needs the setting to moved to Heuston, TX. Bringing home a dolphin and cooking it features somewhere. A culture clash gag would work here, with Dad being a southern patriarch and Conor K being a Yankee.

(To adapt and steal from Neil Gaiman) this might happen:

"I read the various drafts of the script as they came in, pointed out when they were getting too far away from our lives, pointed out when they were moving even further away from our lives, and, finally, enthusiastically agreed with the powers that be when they decided that the movie script had got so far from our lives that it would be best for everyone if the movie's characters weren't called The Murnanes, the film wasn't called Pedigree and we took our toys back and started again..."

Despite this, I am thinking about pitching it as "The Royal Tenenbaums only coarser, faster and funnier."

Definetly not a gross out comedy. Broad yes, Gross no.

More Pedigree

So,

After a couple of folk including me said it, I substituted Mum for Carrie Fisher. The movie now needs a tagline and a plot.

Currently running with Sinéads sublime "When Even The Best Isn't Good Enough"

Plot Guides lines to follow one of the seven plots:

1 - [wo]man vs. nature
2 - [wo]man vs. man
3 - [wo]man vs. the environment
4 - [wo]man vs. machines/technology
5 - [wo]man vs. the supernatural
6 - [wo]man vs. self
7 - [wo]man vs. god/religion

and script to follow:

Initial situation - the beginning. It is the first incident that makes the story move.
Conflict or Problem - goal which the main character of the story has to achieve.
Complication - obstacles which the main character has to overcome.
Climax - highest point of interest of the story.
Suspense - point of tension. It arouses the interest of the readers.
Denouement or Resolution - what happens to the character after overcoming all obstacles/failing to achieve the desired result and reaching/not reaching his goal.
Conclusion - the end of the story.

None of your postmodern structure here, thank you.

Amended poster (still without In-Laws)

Pay Scales for "Pedigree"

After making the below, and my mind refusing to let it go, I started looking at how much we'd need to make our movie.

James Spader as the lead? He did Secretary for $400k + % profits. Not bad, but this doesn't have "arthouse" written all over it. Say $5m James? You’re hardly in demand.

Robin Wright Penn. $2m. Ok.

Dakota Fanning. $3m and rising. Still within budget.

Daniel Craig. Eek. Probably looking for $20m now he’s Bond. Try to negotiate a pre-bond fee of $2m

Billy Zane. $2m apparently. Fair enough.

Jason Lee. $3m. $3 million??? Ok. You are playing me.

Helena Bonham Carter. No idea how much she asks for. Let’s say $3m.

Shirley McLaine. Normally looks for percentage. Let’s say $3m?

Robert Redford. $11m. No way Rob. Maybe you can produce it like A River Runs Through It, and waive your fee. Or percentage? We’ll have to see if Paul Newman is available. He’s the same price? Rutgar Hauer it is so…

Shannen Doherty, Carrie-Anne Moss and Andrew McCarthy. $1 a piece.

So, excluding Rob Redford who were hoping will work for free, the actor wage bill comes to: $23 million. I don’t think I can put this on my credit card. I think we’ll just have to play ourselves, or hire Australians looking for a visa.

B-Movie Life

It started the way all these things start.

Sinéad and I were sitting on the couch watching the end of Pretty in Pink. James Spader plays the bad guy (Steff) and Sinéad says that he could play the role of John in the movie of his life.

Not a bad choice. This lead to the conversation on who would play me in the movie of my brother's life if he was played by James Spader. Obviously with James Spader playing my brother, especially in the title role, all the other actors cannot be A-Listers. It was an interesting twist on the who would play you in the movie of your life. I would have picked George Clooney a lá Syriana, but now that option was gone.

Anyway, Sin and I worked through the cast with much hilarity.
I now give you the cast of the movie of John's life, working title: "Pedigree"

(Apologies Sinead, Brigid and Conor K. I couldn't fit you on the first version of the poster. I will amend though.)



PEDIGREE

An Aaron Spelling Production
Directed by: Ang Lee

John James Spader
Karel Robin Wright Penn
Sarah Dakota Fanning
Dad Robert Redford
Mum Shirley McClane
Susan Helena Bonham Carter
Stephen Daniel Craig
Andrew Billy Zane
Conor Jason Lee

Also starring:

Sinead Shannen Doherty
Brigid Carrie-Anne Moss
Conor K Andrew McCarthy

Amazon Replies

Well what did I expect? What I got I suppose, a polite PFO. Bearing in mind I wasn't confused about shipping, just annoyed about it. In the past I also have in the passed suggestions onto "along to the appropriate department," we all know what that means. I have a friend from Fermanagh though, and he has offered to bring the stuff down for me. Way to beat to the system. Would there be a market to get stuff delivered up North and deliver for half amazon's rates? Maybe. I wonder what the weight of sales are like in the south?

"
Dear Customer,

Thank you for contacting Amazon.co.uk. I'm sorry for any misunderstanding regarding our free Super Saver Delivery option. As stated on our website, this option applies only to UK delivery addresses. You can find our current international delivery rates on our website at the following Help Desk page: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/tg/browse/-/11072971

We are always working to serve our international customers better. However, as policy, we do not comment on any possible expansion plans. Please know that all our customers, international and at home, are very important to us and I have passed your suggestion along to the appropriate department.We apologise for any disappointment this may cause. Thank you for shopping at Amazon.co.uk.

Warmest regards,
Etc.,
"

I am not a crank

Sent a complaint letter to Amazon:

Hi,

I have used Amazon a lot over the years, but cannot justify it any more due to the high shipping rates to the Republic of Ireland. It is as easy and often cheaper to buy books in the high street. Does Amazon have any plans to offer super saver delivery to the Republic of Ireland. If not, why not?

Regards,
Conor

I feel better now.

Post IT Organisation

I have a lot to do.

I have a lot of tools at my disposal to help me organise my work: Email, Helpdesk, Tasks, Calendar etc.

Seems that all these are now full and contributing to the problem. I talked about this to the powers that be and got given "Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-free Productivity" which I read.

While not a terrible book he advocates lists, which you put everything (work, personal etc.) on to. From there, you work on them in order of importance, everything goes on the list, stuff gets bumped etc. If a task is small you do it immediately. It doesn't even make the list. In my experience if you have many, many things on you list, your list is useless.

I have taken all of this and condensed it into the "PostIT System (TM)."

In this I have a postIT on my desk containing all the items that I am going to do this week. Nothing else goes on the postIT. If I am asked to anything else it goes on my postIT for next week. Best of all, no one (except me) can add to the postIT. I believe that this is called task orientation, and it is how I have decided to do my work. It's either that or go crazy.

I am going to write a book on this when I am done, and give seminars and be rich. Watch this space.

Good Fore it.

Yesterday I noticed a bump on my tire. I do remember slamming into a pothole a few days ago, so I have probably buckled the rim. Darn.

I am off down to Cork for the weekend so I decided to change the tire as Sinead will I have the car and I am a good caring conscientious husband. Easy peasy. You’d think.

Got the tire out from under the car? Check
Loosen nuts? Check
Jacked up car? Check
Took off nuts? Check
Took off tire? Nope. That fucker’s stuck fast.
Yanked at tire? Check
Kicked tire? Check
Yelled at tire? Check
Pulled tire? Check
Kicked tire? Check
Rang Dad? Check

The conversation with Dad was a good one.

"Do you have a sledgehammer?"
"Nope."
"Well, get something heavy and hit the back of the wheel and should pop off. It’s stuck on the rim."

Just then my neighbour Simon passed by.

"Hey Conor"
"Hey Simon. Got a sledgehammer?" I hope that this is the most surreal question that he has been asked today.
"Nope."
"Ask him if you can use his wife," says Dad’s voice in my ear. I don’t ask Simon this, he’s my neighbour. I not sure Dad knows Simon’s wife, she’s very nice. It appears that finding a sledgehammer in suburbia is no easy task. I hang up on Dad.

I go to my shed, to see what I can use to hit the back of my wheel. The previous occupants left a set of golf clubs.

I choose the three iron. A couple of good tee-offs later and the wheel is loose. The three iron can no longer serve its primary function.

No punch line here, except that I hate fucking golf.

I Don't Know Kung Fu.

Super Powers.

For a while I have be going on about everybody having a super power. Your super power doesn't necessarily have to be useful, nor helpful to oneself. In fact, your superpower can just be a localised ability to bend reality in a given situation a little better than anybody else. What may seem a benign and useless power may be invaluable one day if you find yourself in a highly improbable situation.

For example:

Sinéad (my wife) has a superpower that she always loses her luggage on long-haul flights. You may be tempted to say that this is merely bad luck, but you’d be wrong. Her metaphysical power diverts the bag to either a different plane, or to stay on the tarmac at Charles-De-Gaulle. While initially seeming like an irritating and masochistic power, imagine the following scenario:

While on holiday in Thailand we leave our bags in the room. A cleaning lady in the employ of Triads from the Golden Triangle stuff the lining of her suitcase with heroin. When in the airport, the bag gets checked through. We get on the plane. Sin’s special power does its work and the luggage is lost before it’s X-rayed or sniffed. We get home without being sent to the Bangkok Hilton for life. Sinéad’s luggage turns up a week later, and we keep the Horse.

Not too shabby.

Another example:

Jim (my friend, his mother calls him James) has a superpower that he can terrorise Carnaval Folk. His special power is to be able to walk into a carnival and win by throwing hoops over things, throwing balls in basins, hurling frogs onto lily pads or knocking down three old tin cans with a couple of softballs. The Carnies are forced into handing over stuffed toys, confused about how he beat the system. This power has a downside in that Jim cannot get on a carnival ride that goes more then a foot of the ground. It is hard to see what use Jim’s power is now that he is engaged, and he no longer needs to impress girls. Maybe a steady relationship nullifies his power (sex is his Kryptonite?) but we’ll need to go to a funfair to find out.

Me:

Until recently I didn’t know what my special power was, but now I have found out. Nobody wants to sit beside me on the bus. You may not think that this is unusual, but let’s apply Bus Theory.

Bus Theory states:

When entering a bus you will instantly calculate where you want to sit. You will choose your seat in the following order:

1. Empty double seat, near quiet people
2. Empty double seat, near nobody
3. Empty double seat
4. Empty single seat near quiet small lady
5. Empty single seat near quiet small man
6. Empty single seat near quiet normal sized lady
7. Empty single seat near quiet normal sized man
8. Empty single seat near small lady
9. Empty single seat near small man
10. Empty single seat near normal sized lady
11. Empty single seat near normal sized man
12. Empty single seat near quiet fat lady
13. Empty single seat near quiet fat man
14. Empty single seat near fat lady
15. Empty single seat near fat man
16. Empty single seat near noisy small lady
17. Empty single seat near noisy small man
18. Empty single seat near noisy normal sized lady
19. Empty single seat near noisy normal sized man
20. Empty single seat near noisy fat lady
21. Empty single seat near noisy fat man
22. Stand
23. Empty single seat beside crazy/aggressive/unbelievably noisy person

At worst I come in at no.7 on this scale (or no.13 depending on your point of view), that means for people not to sit beside me, they are perceiving me as a no.23. So often as not I get to sit alone or be a “Number 52” (the last person someone sits beside on the bus as most buses have 53 seats). I think you agree that this is not a terrible special power. I do have a secondary aspect to this power in that I can work out the Bus Theory calculation abnormally fast.

Often my enemies defeat me by later taking an iPod out of their pocket as soon as I sit down.

One day I will smite them.

Would You Credit That?

Hmmm. It appears I spend to much money on books and not enough on clothes. Table below is my Credit card purchases by number of transactions and percentage of total value. Kind of aimless, and really needs to cross referenced with laser info. Read from it what you want.

What makes the information slighty valid is that I am a plastic junkie. I hate cash, so I have a (sometimes) painful record of most things I buy.

Category	No of Purchases	Percent of Value
Bins	1	5.0
Books	8	8.8%
Booze	4	2.3%
Car	1	5.7%
Cinema	2	0.6%
Clothes	1	1.3%
Computer	1	0.9%
ESB connection	1	1.1%
Fishing	1	1.9%
Flowers	3	1.5%
Food	9	4.1%
Glasses	2	5.7%
Gov	3	8.3%
Holiday	4	15.7%
Household	2	1.3%
Insurance	1	7.0%
Internet	3	1.2%
Medical	2	1.6%
Music/DVD	3	3.2%
Paddy Power	1	0.7%
Paypal	4	1.3%
Petrol	22	14.2%
Present	3	6.0%
Vet	1	0.6%

13 Fictional places that I wouldn't like to live in

Sunnydale, California

Pros: Hot Buffy action.
Cons: Full of Vampires, Demons, he undead, built over a hell-mouth. Generally not a nice place to live.

Smallville, Kansas

Pros: Wholesome, if you are not being possessed/killed.
Cons: Monster of the week, frequent devastating meteor showers, super powered psychopaths, super intelligent psychopaths, in the middle of nowhere.

Ankh-Morpork, Discworld

Pros: Big City, Excellent entrepreneur opportunities.
Cons: Very dangerous, heavily polluted, legal assassination.

Ballykissangel, Ireland

Pros: None.
Cons: Excessive shamrockery, philandering priests, excessive boredom.

Mega-City One, Eastern United States

Pros: None.
Cons: One of the most violent cities on earth, 100% unemployment, numerous cataclysmic events, inadequate housing provisions.

Castle Rock, Maine

Pros: You may not die.
Cons: You'll probably die. Shops are dangerous. Graveyards are dangerous. People are dangerous. Dogs are dangerous.

Dark City, Space

Pros: You'll think that you like your life.
Cons: Subjected to nightly alien experiments, in a virtual prison on in a city floating through space in perpetual darkness.

Arkham, Massachusetts

Pros: The Architecture?
Cons: The Cthulhu, Drives you mad, child sacrifice, bad doings are accepted as a part of life.

Dogville, Colorado

Pros: None.
Cons: Rape, slavery, beatings, eventual death.

Las Venturas, Western United States

Pros: There are nice places to live, if you are rich.
Cons: Everybody is armed and violent, open gang warfare is the norm. GBH, car-jacking and robbery not usual.

South Park, Colorado

Pros: Quiet American mountain town.
Cons: Satan walks the streets. Random violent death not uncommon. Numerous cataclysmic events. Uncontrollable unruly mobs.

Twin Peaks, Washington

Pros: Damn good coffee.
Cons: Evil possession a possibility. Murder likely. Population allegedly speak English, but are completely incomprehensible.

Zion, Deep beneath the earth

Pros: You are free?
Cons: No resources, no knowledge of how anything works, living at the machines mercy, likelihood of death with every new iteration of "The One"

Radio Star

Who was listening to the Ian Dempsey Breakfast Show on Today FM this morning at around 8:50am ????

Conor has been bugging us all week about the talking heads competition on the Ian Dempsey Breakfast Show on Today FM. Its basically a quick sound bite of sombody famous and you have to guess who it is. The cash value goes up €50 every day if its not guessed, its was at €350 this morning. Conor was convinced that the answer was Pierce Brosnan, although I didn't think it could possibly be.

I'm listening on the Radio this morning as follows:

Ian: Caller one, who do you think it is?
Caller 1: Is it somebody famous (I can't remember who they actually said)
Ian: Caller two, who do you think it is?
Caller 2: Is it Pierce Brosnan ?
Ian: Nope, surely you could tell that as that Navan voice is very distinctive!

(I'm shouting in the car to myself, ah ha Conor, you were wrong, you smug git)

Ian: Next person is a Conor Murnane from Celbridge
Conor: Hi Ian, how's it going.
(I couldn't believe it, its was smug Conor and he's brillant answer had just been blown out of the water)
Ian: Are you related to Anthony Murnane (RTE2 News Reader)
Conor: No
Ian: Are you sure? Maybe if you go back far enough you probably are
Conor: No, definetly not, sure we pronouce it Mur naane (smug git)
Ian: Ok Conor, what's your guess?
Conor: Well I was going to say Pierce Brosnan too....

Ha Ha you were wrong and on National Radio !!!!!!!!!

Some Stats

Here are some site stats, because I was interested in running them.

First post: 7th August 2003
Last post: Today, 15th Feb 2006

Total words in that time: 54,310
Number of words in an average fiction novel: 90,000 – 100,000

Number of comments: 356

Most prolific commentators:

Niall: 48
Conor: 43
Sinéad: 43
Michael: 24
Gerry: 21
Andrew: 20
The Shadow: 16

Celebrity Commentators:

Ainsley Harriott
Bertie Ahern (4)
Carl Jung
Eamonn Dunphy
Gerry Adams
Gordon Ramsey
Johnny Logan
Keano
Luis Figo
Martin McGuinness
Mary Whitehouse
Rasputin
Rene Descartes
Richard Gere
Shakespere (2)
The Metron

Craziest commentator: Intertested. By a standout mile.

One of my favourite comments: "Wow, that's a lot more entertaining than the time, a girl on the bus pulled down her trousers urinated, said 'Sorry I can't control my waters' as everyone swiftly picked their bags up off the floor. Yep, who needs bus conductors"

Visits: 5991

Most likely search to refer you to the site: Samantha Mumba Image Search

Other searches that'll get you here:
Buffy porno
Poetry on Pain
Getting rid of hickeys
Ho Chi Minh City Blowjob
Rental accommodation in Castlerea


Conor's Stats:

Posts: 119
Words: 35,700
Average words per post: 300

Michael's Stats:

Posts: 47
Words: 8,109
Average words per post: 172

Mark's Stats:

Posts: 38
Words: 6,430
Average words per post: 169

Niall's Stats:

Posts: 27
Words: 4,071
Average words per post: 150

A nice pie chat:



That is all.

Adore my Aura.

Last Sunday Sinéad and I went to a Health and Psychic Fair in the Setanta Hotel in Celbridge.

I was kind of hoping to find something a little less mainstream then crystals, tarot and scientology but was, of course, disappointed. All we got was the usual raft of bead-laden taffeta-clad behemoths and tank-top wearing weeds, trying to convince you (and possibly themselves) that the future is not quite as random as you might believe.

But hey! We were there and it was wet out, so I bought in. After a quick lap of the room I had the measure of the place.

Bottom left hand quadrant: Stuff you may or may not want to buy, including spiritual self-help (for beginners), crystal balls, crystals, plaster of paris fairies, wooden bowls, bath salts, tarot, tapes and poetry in frames.

Upper left hand quadrant: Fortune tellers, Palm readers, Tarot readers, Aura photography

Upper right hand quadrant: Scientology, more Tarot.

Bottom right hand quadrant: Holistic Massage.

I went for the quick fix and got my Aura photographed. I started to ask the fat man some questions about his work, and what I could expect. Specifically, I wanted to know what was considered a bad aura, or what was good. He refused to be drawn on negativism in the auric field, focusing on the positives only. "You may see gold, if you’re lucky" he told me, "but that’s very rare." I find this irritating on amateur-psychic-hour, the absolute refusal to admit that there can be anything bad in life. I am more likely to trust and believe in something that is not universally positive.

So I sat for my picture:



The result is very red. I was quite disappointed, but my overweight chum was more upbeat. "Ooooh! Your dominant colour is red. Look it’s centred around the throat chakra. You can still see the throat so the energy is flowing."

All very interesting. But what does it mean?

"Red means you are grounded in the physical plane. A strong colour, you are grounded in the now, with day to day matters meaning more. You are not concerned with the spiritual plane. You are ambitious and like challenges."

Anything negative? (Yeah I know, I couldn’t let the negative thing go)

"No, it would only be negative if you aura wasn’t flowing. This is very positive."

He dated the Photograph. "Come back in five years and see if anything has changed."

Maybe I will fatboy. Maybe I will.

Sky Views : Part II

Dear Rupert,

I only reciently moved into my new house and got my sky dish re-connected last week. I've been off the air from sky for the last 5 months and I have to say your new post water-shed line up is fasinating: Babecast being broadcast simultaneously on about 8 different channels, its basically topless girls on mobiles charging young eager males an arm and a leg to phone them or text them, how exciting, lads your money would be better spent subscribing to one of the many soft-core channels available on sky between chanels 965 and 995 !!!

On the plus side Sky+ rocks especially when connected to my projector and Amp for movies and sport.

Regards,
Niall

P.S. Disregard the previous letter from Conor, if he was a true TV/Sky fan he would have a satellite dish and not dodgy Chorus Cable, I suppose its an improvement for Conor on the rabbits ears he had in his previous place.

Finally

The Day finally arrived, we've moved into the new house. After being homeless since 12th August 2005 we finally moved into the house on 28th January 2006.

After the usualy few days of unpacking the essentials I turned my attention to more important matters, my home cinema setup !!!

After much effing and blinding I got the projector mounted to the ceiling and aligned correctly and it only took me 2 attempts to get it right. I was then all ready to plug in the DVD PLayer using the HDMI cable I'd run only to discover I need a special M1 to HMDI adapter for my Infocus 5700 projector. A quick call to my home cinema installer friend and I had the adaptor 2 days later. Connected up my DVD Player and configured it to upscale the DVD player to 720p and I have to say the results are amazing the picture quality is fantastic. I'm getting a projected image of 74" which isn't too bad. Next thing I need now is funds to invest in my motorised screen instead of my white wall to improve picture quality.

I then proceed to try and solder the phono plugs onto the cables I'd run for my Subwoofer only for the bloody soldering iron to stop working. I just bought new soldering iron at lunch time so I'll let you know how I get on trying to solder 16 phono plugs tonight. (In case your wondering the break down is as follows:

Connection Type      Leads      No of Conns      Total
Component              3            2              6
Composite              1            1              1
Sub Woofer             1            1              1
                                                  ----
Sub total                                          8

Both sides of cables                             x 2
                                                ------
Total phono plugs to be soldered                  16

I also setup a nice remote room link for controlling all the kit which is in a closet in the hall.

I fired up Stars Wars Episode III on the system last night and the opening sequence is pretty good test of the system and I can safely say it was no let down, apart from the sub not being connected in yet I wasn't disappointed.

I'll keep you posted on my soldering exploits !!!!

Sky Views

Dear Rupert,

I was watching a Malcolm in the Middle repeat hour on Sky One a couple of weeks ago and instead of the second episode my TV cut over to Sky News. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I immediately blamed my cable provider Chorus. This is because Chorus’s service is abysmal, as opposed to your service, which while never-ending repetitive drivel is reasonably competent.

Anyway, instead of watching Malcolm outsmart his teacher, and Hal forget Lois’s birthday again, I got Grainne Seoige reading the “News.” Now I do like Grainne Seoige, and I don’t get to see her a lot since you took her off TV3 and relegated her to channel 15, but I don’t think this was your motive. Nope. No one was watching Sky News Ireland because it is shit, and so you are force feeding it to us when we want to watch re-runs of shows we’ve seen 15 times before. Fact is I can’t watch Sky News anyway because my baby-monitor interferes with the signal. No loss as far as I am concerned.

If only my TV had picture in picture I could turn off the baby monitor, watch Sky News and Sky News simultaneously and pretend that Grainne has a twin sister. It could be a difficult one to explain when my wife comes in to watch Home and Away. You couldn’t arrange for Sky News to replace this instead?

Please stop this crap. Please. And by please stop, I mean: please stop making News up, please stop showing this shit on Sky 1 and leave on the channel that nobody watches, please show repeats of the Simpsons after series 3, please pick up Firefly, please pick up Futurama again, please pretend to care.

Oh and Rupert? I am not a crank.

Regards,
Conor

Moebius Chair

Following on from the successful building of a Cloudbuster I have turned my attentions to building a Moebius Chair. This may prove to be a more difficult task.

Last time Michael was about (he is now gadding about in Rio waiting for some low-key Carnival festival to start) and helped build the vision. This time could be a harder sell, and some of the materials may be hard to come by.

What do I know about the Moebius Chair? Not a lot. I did find out the following:

Metron travels the universe via his flying Mobius Chair, an invention he created that allows him travel through time, space and other dimensions. Metron created the chair thanks to the X-Element, a rare substance he obtained from Darkseid in exchange for a matter threshold device which Darkseid used to devastate New Genesis in their ongoing war. Darkseid’s war atrocities caused a change in the formerly neutral Metron, who now dedicated himself to defeating the dictator of Apokolips.

A picture of Metron in action:



Now if Michael were about I would be trying to persuade him to drive me out to a scrapyard to get the couple of tons of steel that we’d need to build this machine and then a trip to Maplins and Peats to pick up some motherboards and capacitors. Suppose we’d need a soldering iron as well.

As to how the device actually works, that knowledge appears to lie within the brain of Metron himself, who may not be willing to share his discovery. However, I reckon Metron has given the game away by calling himself, well, Metron.

A Metron is:

The Metron is a unit of surface area used in Heim Theory and is analogous to the branes of string theory. It is approximately equal to the Planck length squared (h*h), or 10-70 m². In common language, one could best describe this area as "vastly smaller than anything we ever deal with."

Heim Theory is kind of a unified theory of everything to resolve incompatibilities between quantum theory and general relativity

So it also appears I'll need the help of a theorectical physicist. Perhaps Stephen Hawking is at a loose end? I hear he can be difficult to work with. Maybe I'll put up some posters in the physics block of MIT. Those crasy kids are always up for this kind of stuff.

Next on the list is some X-Element. I’ve had a quick scan of my periodic table and don’t see it. Looks like that I’ll have to get some from Darkseid. I know that he has already got a Matter Threshold Device, so there is no point trying to bargain with one of those. Perhaps there is a newer version with a camera and a radio that I can lay my hands on. Seeing as how Darkseid destroyed an entire world last time someone dealt with him I may have to tread carefully, or at least put my morals on hold.

So to make a list of things I need to do (Thanks David Allen!):

• Get a few tons of steel
• Get circuit, board & capacitors
• Get soldering iron and welding torch (and goggles)
• Order O’Reilly books: Programming Moebuis Chairs; Advanced Moebius Chair Hacks; Moebuis Chairs in a nutshell, second edition
• Get Stephen Hawking and/or MIT theoretical physics department on Board
• Negociate with Darkseid for X-Element
• Build and travel through dimensions in a skintight blue suit

I'll keep you informed of how I get on.

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FS: 1 Teething Baby

BMX XXX

I was in gamestop the other day checking out the sales and I came across this title. Hmm. BMX XXX eh? This looks a little odd.

So, I didn’t buy it. Is this because I am thirty? Probably. Not the three-Oh is going to stop me buying "We love Katamari" when it gets released in February.

BMX XXX merges the twin pleasures of a BMX simulator will badly rendered naked women. I googled the title and found out many things about this and other similar titles:

• Sony censored the PS2 version of the game, thus naked women only appear on the Xbox and Gamecube. SCEA stated it posed a detrimental threat to Sony's console brand, adding that the edits were not crucial to the game's gameplay experience. SCEA missed the point a little methinks.

• The greatest boob physics are to be found in DOA2 for the dreamcast. DOA4 for the Xbox 360 doesn't compare at all, apparently.

• DOA X-treme Beach Volleyball took the girls from DOA2 and put them in a volleyball game. I found this review on the internet: "Do you find curvaceous, 3D, anime-style girls sexy? If yes, rejoice! For Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball is the medicine for your sickness. Join a group of large breasted beauties as they bump and spike their way around the beaches of Zack Island. DOA spares no jiggling polygon expense as you spend 14 days immersed in sun-drenched, computer-generated voyeurism. And you've got a zoom button for your camera. Need I say more? Be sure to buy a large assortment of bathing suits for your lovely ladies to model to maximize your perverted cartoon lusts. If only I could get the topless cheat code to work I'd never put it down. A must have for sexually repressed males and 12-year-old boys everywhere."•

• BMX XXX is in bargain bins across the land and should not cost you more the €12

• I cannot justify buying this, even for research purposes.

• This reviewer from a Spanish website has a serious problem:
Pontos Fortes: lots of good features, LOTS OF GOOD MISSIONS
Pontos Fracos: you shouldn't have a certain amount of health.
Resumo: i love this game because you get to see a lot of porn for your hard and dedicated work. the reward of porn is like no other. I LOVE PORN... i would get this game because you never get tired of playing it because you are working for porn.

• The first ever Sex in Games Conference has just been announced

• Anyone else remember Leisure Suit Larry? He’s on the PS2 now. Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude unsurprisingly costs the same as BMX XXX

• I started writing this as a funny "Ha Ha Ha" article, but now it looks more then a little sad.

• The character generation screen in BMX XXX looks like this: